Normally, College Council elections are a painfully dry, pretentious affair–and in the Ivy League, an especially uppity one. Thankfully, this year has been markedly different. Ruthless ambition, big personality, and YouTube debacles have comingled to produce a circus of epic and hilarious proportions. Penn’s 2013 Class Election gave us elbow-throwing politicking, unflattering nicknames, dirty endorsements and a boat-load of lies. Now, as we write, the BMOC’s behind leaky Spring Flings, Movements for Beauty and Justice, and the Yale Daily News are waging war for the Eli vote. We have a Southern Belle, a Cajun Fratboy, and an afro-convert. The campus has been abuzz with the Yale College Council race for a week now, and until 9 tonight, the voting’s on.

The YDN just did its real, pseudo-serious endorsements (since all the candidates have identical platforms, we’re not sure how). Problem is, we think this whole exercise is sort of a sad joke, and the YCC, no more than a glorified events-planning body with less real power than the Math Team. That said, this could be the most hilarious/ridiculous Yale College Council on record; the only one we would want to party with/romance.

So, without further ado, head past the jump for IvyGate’s picks: these are, definitively, the funniest, most buzz-worthy (and maybe even best) candidates for the Yale College Council–the undisputed winners of this absurd carnival of popularity.

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ELECTION SPECIAL: Yale College Council Presidential Race is On… and Crazy

Ivy League: meet the politicking, wheel-greasing, soon-to-be-YouTubing Yalies poised to fight it out–tooth, nail and Facebook–for Yale College Council prez. This race is shaping up to be a ridiculous one, with candidates of all stripes: boozy, fratty, funny, sassy, sketchy, and totally glam. We can’t wait for the inevitable conclusion: one of Yale’s craziest and most uppity individuals running its least useful and approachable administrative body! You can read up on all their boring credentials here. But, to add a little flavor, let’s take a trip down BM(and W)OC lane:

On right, here’s Pete Croughan ’12, co-Chair of the HTML-friendly Yale Spring Fling Committee. He got Yale MGMT (though couldn’t keep it on the DL); can he get the discerning vote? He’s also a proud DKE brother, and his favorite quotations include:

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk we go to sleep. When we go to sleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” -Old Irish Proverb

If Pete’s running on the pro-booze/anti-sin ticket, then his get-out-the-vote rallies should be a real blast.  ———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Sophomore Prez-hopeful number two is this studly gentleman on left, by the name of Jeff Gordon. He seems like a fairly legit fellow, and a member of Saybrook’s infamous party suite, the 12-pack.

Yet another History major, his interests include: “LeBron James, fantasy sports, C-SPAN, The Saybrook 12-Pack, Kirby.” He used to have a giant afro. If he grows it back, I will consider voting for him. —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Now, by the rule of threes, we’ve saved the best for third. To call Courtney Pannell ’11 a “Yale celeb” or “big personality” would be to do her a grave disservice. In fact, to call her “Courtney” would be as well: she proudly goes by “CoCo.” This accomplished Southern Belle is an honoree of Rumpus’ “50 Most Beautiful Issue,” Pi Beta Phi Social Chair (and star of their infamous Rush video), as well as the Yale Daily News’ Multimedia Editor. Hair Platinum-ed, skin bronzed, impeccably dressed, and arch-Conservative, the ravishing Pannell is planning a fab campaign based on the anti-Jay-Leno “I’m With CoCo” movement. She told Rumpus that her dream man is “intimidating, powerful, and a little cocky.” She wears a lot of fur. So, for those looking to be her First Gentleman, head to the gym and the next PiPhi mixer–after killing an animal.

Also, feast your eyes on right:

Hilariously, the YDN also indicates that there’ll be a fourth candidate of the mysterious, dark-horse variety. John Kim ’11 refused to comment or be photographed… for anything. And nobody knows who he is. Guess he’s running as the strong silent type. Oh well: on left, Facebook provides its bounty.

So there’s the spread. Buy your cupcakes, photoshop your posters, rehash platforms from years past, and pick your poison. It’s campaign season, and the pomposity, surrealism, and resume-padding are in full-on Ivy Renaissance. Check back with us at IvyGate for your healthy dose of the absurd as we cover the festivities… there’s going to be plenty to go around.

SEX WEEK AT YALE – YDN Charts Yale’s Sexual Landscape; Extreme Horniness Afoot

Kicking off Sex Week with a bang, the Yale Daily News just released the results of their campus-wide sex survey, and the results are titillating. Yalies have a lot of sex, in a lot of ways, with a lot of people.

According to the poll, 31.2 percent of students have performed or received oral sex within the last week, and 28.5 percent of students have had intercourse within the last week.

Also, just over 5% say they’ve engaged in a ménage à trois. This from a school with a Fetish Fashion show??? After polling 1,770 undergraduates, the copy-hounds at the News have worked up a feature on the results, featuring some sexy, sexy quotes. They range from the hilariously innocuous:

As explained by Sarah Matthes ’13, a large portion of this pattern can potentially be attributed to what is commonly referred to as “DFMO,” short for dance-floor makeout.

To the painfully smug:

“From a single guy’s point of view, I find few things more fun than going out at night and seeing what I can come home with,” Wyper said. “It’s fun. It’s exciting. I’m not looking to fill my empty heart. Wednesday through Saturday you have a pretty decent shot at hooking up with somebody.”

And finally, the frustratedly romantic:

“I think that very few people are actually legitimately happy with the way things are. I sincerely think that,” Ann Chou ’10 said. “I don’t think very many people are satisfied.”

We’ll leave you all to judge for yourself (that is, if you’re not busy with biweekly oral sex) after the jump, with the comprehensive results of the sex survey, featuring detailed statistics on Yalie masturbation, intercourse, three-ways, manual stimulation, relationships, make out seshes, and sluttiness. Consider this foreplay: IvyGate’s Sex Week coverage (from Dr. Suzy to Sasha Grey) will erotically continue in the coming days. Feast your eyes:

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Ragtime: Be a Good Sport Edition

RagTime: Slept Late, Here It Is Edition

  • Columbia: “Another linguistic charm of the magazine’s name is the resemblance of ‘hoot’ to ‘haute’ as in ‘haute couture.'”
  • Yale: Facebook invitations now considered a journalistic source; nothing compares 2 u, Toad’s.
  • Dartmouth: Kim on MLK Day: “King would have loved this thing that I would have done anyway!”
  • Penn: Social networking for people who have no problem with networking IRL.
  • Cornell: “Before Lady Gaga, there was Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga.” There was music before Lady Gaga?!?! We can hardly remember…

RagTime: You BET Edition

RagTime: Dartmouth, Unite for a Soft-Serve Machine! Edition


The Derek Zoolander Extracurricular for Kids Who Can’t Read Good

Justine and I Official Picture IIIThe profoundly self-obsessed must be truly profound to catch our attention. Recently, in New Haven, profundity has once again reached a high—or low, depending on how you look at it—in Yale’s Movement for Beauty and Justice. Mission statement: Beautiful people are fucking awesome!

Our society is in a state of crisis. Political and social structures have disregarded the collective implications of our individual actions for too long. We live in a world of inequality, social injustice, and conflict.

We believe that promoting the proliferation, creation, and realization of diverse forms of beauty in the world will unite humanity and lead to a more just society.

Founders Justine Kolata and Ric Hernández ‘11 are pictured to the right. (At least their bunnies, “Beauty” and “Justice,” somehow have the good sense to hide their faces.)

The Movement for BJ [our own abbreviation] seems straight out of Elle Woods’s HLS admissions video, but perhaps it’s something more?

After the jump, the mission of what should be called The Movement for Butterflies and Pajama Bottoms and Cupcakes and Snugglebumblywumpsies.

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Yale Secret Society Taps of 2010, Cool Your Jets

yalesocietiesThe Yale Pundits, culprits of the Scroll and Key application prank earlier this year, have released the list of taps for the top secret societies late last night. The newsletter-style email for the “Yale Does It Nude” addressed to and credited to former YDN editor-in-chief Andrew Mangino cracked what will hopefully be the last swine flu joke. Ever.

By the looks of it, Key is holding onto their YDN legacy by tapping current managing editor Bharat Ayyar.  Meanwhile, Skull and Bones kept it presidential, welcoming Yale College Council president Rich Tao along with current publisher of the Yale Record, Nozlee Samadzadeh-Hadidi.

The Pundits’ announcement is hot on the heels of Rumpus‘s publication of the graduating class of 2009 society members list. Regarding our mistake in framing that coverage, we hope you commenters will cheer up now that we’ve covered everything. After all, this shit’s supposed to be secret, right?

After the jump, the original email from the Pundits and a video of a slow loris getting tickled.

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Yale Tabloid Releases Secret Society Rosters, No One Cares

Yale’s Rumpus magazine recently published the full list of secret society inductees for 2009. These future-leaders-of-the-world hopefuls join a league of will-never-really-be-leaders-of-the-world Yale alums plus George W. Bush. Meanwhile, nobody outside of New Haven gives a shit after that Joshua Jackson movie showed how whack secret societies are anyways.

The lists may or may not be correct, but Google doesn’t care. The only name we actually recognized immediately was Andrew Mangino, former Yale Daily News editor-in-chief who is now a Scroll and Key member, again. (Wonder if he applied…and too bad he’s not a Boner…) Since he was on last year’s list, this  seems confusing. Smells like journalistic integrity, nevertheless.

After the jump, the absurdly long list of tap-ees and the trailer to aforementioned Joshua Jackson movie. The list is really effing long. Do the Elis really need 32 secret societies? Do we have a little complex, Yale?

Correction: Kind commenters have let me know that Rumpus publishes the list of graduating members, so obvious that Mangino is on both. We still don’t care.

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