BREAKING: Yale College Council Prez Race Comes Down to TWO VOTES, Campaign Continues

We hoped and prayed that Yale’s College Council absurdity wouldn’t end too soon; big personalities, relentless email spam, endorsement-fodder, and ridiculous postering threats galore. Well, be careful what you wish for. CoCo Pannell (our pick) just edged out Jeff Gordon (of baby-fame) by .06% of the electorate: TWO VOTES. That means (oh god) that there’s going to have to be a runoff election, from 9am-9pm on Thursday… The campaign continues! Sharpen your swords and Facebook events ladies and gentleman: this could get ugly.

We’re personally invested: not only are we definitively with CoCo, all of our other endorsed candidates lost. Here’s hoping that’s not a causal connection…

See full YCC election results after the jump:

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IVYGATE ENDORSES: “YCC Candidates… PRETTY YCC Candidates”

Normally, College Council elections are a painfully dry, pretentious affair–and in the Ivy League, an especially uppity one. Thankfully, this year has been markedly different. Ruthless ambition, big personality, and YouTube debacles have comingled to produce a circus of epic and hilarious proportions. Penn’s 2013 Class Election gave us elbow-throwing politicking, unflattering nicknames, dirty endorsements and a boat-load of lies. Now, as we write, the BMOC’s behind leaky Spring Flings, Movements for Beauty and Justice, and the Yale Daily News are waging war for the Eli vote. We have a Southern Belle, a Cajun Fratboy, and an afro-convert. The campus has been abuzz with the Yale College Council race for a week now, and until 9 tonight, the voting’s on.

The YDN just did its real, pseudo-serious endorsements (since all the candidates have identical platforms, we’re not sure how). Problem is, we think this whole exercise is sort of a sad joke, and the YCC, no more than a glorified events-planning body with less real power than the Math Team. That said, this could be the most hilarious/ridiculous Yale College Council on record; the only one we would want to party with/romance.

So, without further ado, head past the jump for IvyGate’s picks: these are, definitively, the funniest, most buzz-worthy (and maybe even best) candidates for the Yale College Council–the undisputed winners of this absurd carnival of popularity.

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Ivy Leaguers (read: Dan D’Addario and friends) Duke It Out On Jeopardy!

More hotly anticipated than Shark Week, the Jeopardy College Championship is upon us once again. The Daily Doubles will be flying, Alex Trebek, drunk off his ass (a well placed source tells us he hides it well), and the Ivies, very well represented. Tune in (or Tivo/Torrent) to watch your ivory tower buddies take on the state-schooler hordes!

We’ve got Rebecca Maxfield (Brown) and Ashley Walker (Dartmouth), for a start. Representing the Bulldogs will be Yale Political Union President, New York Times-enthusiast and future world-despot Leah Libresco. Penultimately, UPenn will be fielding none other than IvyGate contributor (!) Robbie Berg. How can this get any better?

I’ll tell you how: Renaissance man, cool-cat Columbian, stud-muffin, and beloved IvyGate co-Editor-in-Chief Dan D’Addario will be pounding the buzzer to glory, TONIGHT AT 7PM. Commenters, tune in and hurl insults at his smiling visage; fanboys, fawn, scream, throw your bras. Regardless, this proud colleague has a good feeling that Dan’s near-encyclopedic knowledge and winning demeanor will elevate him to certain victory. Or at least to beating the spread (I’m still taking bets). Here’s what everyone’s favorite adorably dorky media maven had to say:

When my first grade teacher asked what was significant about the number thirteen, I replied that it was the first year of eligibility for the Jeopardy! Teen Tournament.

Aw. Also, apparently the contestants are still friends, despite their absolute destruction and humiliation at the hands of Dan’s tremendous intellect. (We can only assume; he’s been contractually sworn to secrecy regarding the outcome of the competition). According to Robbie, the competitors

have a vibrant Facebook group and lots of commonalities.

Who are “major nerds”? Just kidding. Good luck Ivy Leaguers, and keep an eye out for Team IvyGate: we play dirty.

(Dan D’Addario’s episode of Jeopardy! airs tonight at 7pm on ABC or your local station.)

IvyGate’s Year in Review: Obama, Emma, and Meghan McCain’s Twitter

0101cf983dbe4d42e3d07590133e19413c709822Boldly we Ivy Leaguers stride forth into the 2010s, leaving in our dust the dregs of this lame, lame year. Pause, though, to recall all those things that befell the Ivy League that we’re hopefully leaving in 2009 — and some good things, too! But when the fact that Amy Gutmann hasn’t found any time for impromptu photoshoots for the third year running is a good thing, we know we’re in trouble.

Yalies were told to repent for their (sexual, mainly!) sins, but it was the staffers of the Crimson who seemed naughtier to us. Cornell’s fiendish ticklers were the naughtiest of all! Hopefully they learn what “off-the-record GChat” means in 2k10. The raunchy Princetonians—now, you know, having nightly orgies in their dirty mixed-gender rooms—are the Cornelians’ spiritual heirs. Worst of all, their coed rooms are unaffiliated with eating clubs.

After the jump, big celebrity scoops of 2009, whose very “bigness” depends on how much you love Harry Potter films or voting Democratic.

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Ivy Sports Roundup: Cornell Triumphs, Penn Wrestlers Ready to Rumble Again

020SavageEven over holiday break, sport marches on in the Ivy League — and not just for those of us skiing at Aspen (we lost our invitation this year, otherwise we’d be there with you all!).

The Pennsylvanian reports that three seniors have been reinstated to the wrestling team after an arrest subsequent to an “October 3 incident” that the Pennsylvanian is too genteel to disclose. We’re not! Nor was the Hartford Examiner, which reported that the three wrestlers had been arrested for aggravated assault and reckless endangerment and that they might well be “among Penn’s best matmen.” Their suspension had been for “violation of departmental policy,” an issue settled just in time for the Southern Scuffle tourney.

How lucky that, as the Pennsylvanian implies, the wrestlers’ most recent court appearance was moved up so that their case could be dismissed in time for the tournament. So many things we’ll never understand about wrestling! And we saw the Mickey Rourke movie, even.

After the jump, deep analysis and a video of Mickey Rourke shopping for lesbians.

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Trojan: Ivy League Sexual Health, Flaccid and Unsatisfying (mostly)

Trojan Pleasure Pack - hires

Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the most sexually healthy of all? Well, according to Trojan, which just released its annual Sexual Health Report Card, it’s not any of us debauched Ivy Leaguers. Its 2009 report, which ranks 141 colleges nationwide on such scintillating criteria as “the availability of sexual health resources and information,” yielded a few unpleasant surprises.

After surveys, polling, and health-center analysis, the (wait for it) South Carolina Gamecocks emerged victorious (Go Cocks!). The venerable Ivies—perhaps reaching ED age—did not fare as well in the sensuality department.

Sex-starved Columbia, who last year claimed the Ivy copulation-crown with a silver medal second place finish, fell to fourth, and orgy-planning Cornell, from third to eighth. Prostitutin’-Penn took a nosedive from 21st to 45th, condom-condemning Princeton dropped from 29th to 61st, and Lena-Chening Harvard (sexually healthy to say the least), from 25th to 62nd. Ouch…

This is pretty troubling, especially as Yale administrators publicly attempt to “strengthen the resolve of those who are dedicated to finding just the right words that would lead to glorious and consensual sex”(true story); glorious and consensual maybe, but unhealthy? We in the Ivy League have more sex than just about anybody outside California’s 27th District. Maybe those loser abstinence-only nerds were right… We’re headed for disaster! Time to jump the sex-ship Ivy Leaguers; save your junk while you still can!

But wait!: good news, and the full Trojan Sexual Health list–with criteria and 2008/2009 comparisons–after the jump.

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Why GQ Is Always Right, OR America’s Douche League Officially Proclaimed

fortuny-douchebagBrown is the douchiest school in the country, according to GQ. Princeton is number three. Harvard is number four. Does this seem wrong? Keep reading, Deep Springs grads. It gets worse.

Just before the station wagon left the IvyGate garage, GQ published a “heavily researched, possibly stereotyped, but still accurate guide” to the nation’s 25 Douchiest Colleges. In their own words, the GQ editors observe the inherent paradox of the douche:

The question isn’t whether you’re a douche bag when you go to college. We were all kind of douche bags when we went to college, if we’re going to be honest about it. No, the question for America’s youth is: What kind of douche bag do you aspire to be?

Gottseidank Yalies, Dartmutts, and Columbians, you’re off the hook. Harvardians, Princetonians, and Brunonians are not so lucky. Cornell, Penn: honorable mentions don’t always need mentioning.

After the jump, what’s wrong with the list, and what you can do about it.

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US News & World Report Rankings Out of the Bag… Sort Of (UPDATED)

home-aloneHYP: Time to celebrate. Everyone else: Get ready to be pissed off.

Justin Pope over at the Associated Press scooped the US News & World Report college rankings by 6 and a half hours. While we vivisected some of the rankings from the the Princeton Review’s “Best 371 Colleges” and Forbes, no one cares about those lists.

Onward past the jump to the rankings that really matter, which we arrange into a handy, numbered list, because for some reason Pope didn’t do that. Read the rest of this entry »

And You Thought Cornell Had the Only Ivy Cow College

edrendellisthethingQ: U Penn has a vet school? A: Not for long.

The School of Veterinary Medicine was founded when “West Philadelphia was still the countryside.” You know, before Will Smith got there and ruined everything. The Pennsylvania government just cut $10 million of the vet school’s funding from the state due to that whole recession thing.  Amounting to about 8.5 percent of the total budget, it’s the second cut in six months. All these cuts come despite the fact the Government Accountability Office has noted a decline in the number of vets trained in caring for “food animals,” and the rise in animal-to-human disease transmission. Now they’ll never find the cure for Lena Chen’s “swine flu.”

This is such bad news that the staff of The Daily Pennsylvanian wrote an editorial demanding the state save the vet school. The staff blames Pennsylvania Governor and UPenn Trustee Ed “The Thing” Rendell for the cuts, accusing him of the mortal sins of favoring state schools and hating cows. An erstwhile Hillary Clinton supporter, this is the first time the latter argument has been made about Rendell.

While the Pennsylvanian staff is writing editorials, the vet students are writing letters to the state capital. It is likely the University’s “government affairs office” will make more headway.