The Dartmouth upholds standards of journalism: confuses bananas for dildos

Since 1799, The Dartmouth has prided itself on a long and illustrious history of professional student journalism and a commitment to ethical, objective reporting. In keeping with these standards, the newspaper published a correction to its October 17th front-page article that called for an end to the Greek system at the college. While it’s reassuring to know that the paper is upfront about its editorial errors, it’s less reassuring to hear that someone mixed up a potassium-rich fruit with a pretty high-tech sex toy:

Our only question: ejaculating dildo?

(h/t @romenesko)

 

Ivies under attack for sexual assault policies

Ah, springtime at an Ivy: students descend on the quad, thesis writers emerge from their caves, and — best of all — high school seniors attack campus with naïveté, un-jaded excitement, and a myriad of questions all boiling down to: Can my host get me alcohol? Is this the school for me?

Columbia’s first Days on Campus program — prospective student visiting weekend — for the Class of 2018 began today. Prospies were treated with a beautiful spring day and  blue and white balloons blanketing College Walk. But they’re also getting another dose of classic Columbia: protests.

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Eating Lunch Is Too Stressful For Dartmouth Students

Perhaps worried about being the Ivy League school that had to increase their acceptance rate this year, some Dartmouth students are trying to make their school a nicer, more inviting place. The Dartmouth reports that a group of students have recently introduced $100 worth of red cups to the college’s eating halls in some bizarre social experiment to actually have students talk to each other. If a student uses a red cup during a meal, it is now known to all that they are lonely and willing to eat with total strangers. According to The Dartmouth, “The project, launched Tuesday, is a reaction to the dining hall’s propensity to give students unnecessary stress.”

In order to alleviate the paralyzing stress of eating a meal, some students have introduced “friendship competitions” to the program. As this cheery anecdote describes it:

“Today at lunch, some of the men’s heavyweight rowing team will sit alone at opposite ends of the Class of 1953 Commons. Each solely armed with his meal and a red cup, the team members will compete to attract the most dining companions. Whoever ends his meal with the most new friends will be declared the winner of the team’s unofficial ‘popularity contest.’”

Despite it’s good intentions, this daring new initiative does not seem to be working. In fact, it’s actually causing more stress for Dartmouth’s seemingly self-conscious student body:

“Nobody said ‘hi’ to me all evening,” Jon Vandermause ’16 said. “I don’t know if I’m ugly or if the cups aren’t working.”

Jon, it’s not you, it’s them. We promise. They just don’t understand the power of the red cups yet.

Introducing The Dartmouth’s ‘Heterosexual Correspondent’

Meet The Dartmouth’s Nate Davis. Decked out in his baby blue bow tie and Ray-Ban sunglasses, he reports back to the Dartmouth community as “Heterosexual Correspondent” to On the Mark with Clark, a new video series. As Heterosexual Correspondent, Davis covers hard-hitting topics, (read: exclusive Kentucky Derby themed social events), asking the tough questions: “Whom are you wearing?,” “Do you know what preppy means?,” and “Seabiscuit or Equus? What’s your favorite piece of horse related art?”

Check out Davis’ introduction to The Dartmouth community below at three minutes:

Going to Dartmouth: A Recipe For Psychosis?

“Don’t ask me those questions. I’m just a banana.”

Dartmouth’s students are really flexing their mental muscles looking for new ways to articulate all the things that make Dartmouth kind of a bleak place to be sometimes. Last fall, if you remember, there was an absolutely terrifying guitar jam equating all frat brothers with date rapists. Later, there was an elaborate  monument to the school’s semi-official pastime.

Now, there’s this student-drawn comic strip — which is ostensibly a jokey take on the anxieties of looking for a job; though, in actuality, a stark portrait of how Dartmouth drives students to schizoid fever dreams with talking bananas.

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Update: Dartmouth Freshman Arrested on Drug Charges

The ecstasy never ends. Delos Chang, the Dartmouth freshman who allegedly received a shipment of drugs at his residence hall, has been arrested by the Hanover Police Department, according to a story just released by The Dartmouth.

Chang has been charged with six counts of illegal possession, three of which are felony charges, and will be twiddling his thumbs at home until a hearing on Jan. 3. Most likely he won’t have a room to stay in at Dartmouth when he returns: one of his floormates reports that the admins have asked him to withdraw.

The police have declined to elaborate on the drugs involved, and won’t be going into specifics until the hearing. (Cue unchecked, irresponsible speculation on the comment boards.)

A more important question might be why the Ivy League seems to have exploded into a foaming Scylla of substance abuse–or to put it more accurately, why Ivy Leaguers have suddenly become so sloppy that they’re letting themselves get caught all the time, rather than successfully hiding cocaine in their hipster backpacks and the heels of their Frye boots like they usually do. One hypothesis: it has something to do with all the freaking LSD, which is making an improbable comeback these days along with its patron saint, Cher. Sooner or later someone’s going to realize that the Ivy League is swimming in a giant cesspool of scummy ecstasy-flavored Altoids. And then slideshows like this one from the Daily Beast will feature not fifty colleges like Appalachian State University and Rollins, but 50 particularly excellent mug shots of Ivy League perps.

Dartmouth Freshman Gets Drugs in the Mail, Trouble Ensues

A word of advice to anyone doing some holiday e-shopping: do not order drugs online and have them sent to your college mailbox. You will get busted, stripped of your titles (assuming you have any), and possibly expelled.

Such is the pending fate of Delos Chang, a Dartmouth freshman who was caught receiving a shipment of illegal substances roughly two weeks ago. The Hanover Police Department has since confirmed Chang’s involvement, according to an IvyGate source.

It’s not clear whether Chang mailed the drugs to himself, bought them online from some freaky crackhead version of Amazon, or merely had a generous pen pal from the Netherlands–but rumor has it that the drugs included cocaine, ecstasy, and LSD. (Really? LSD again? And here we thought it was only good for the occasional Albanian trance concert or planetarium visit. Who knew everyone in the Ivy League liked to sit around for hours hearing colors and watching the walls breathe.)

Chang is, or at least was, the elected secretary of the 2014 Class Council–not to mention a staff writer for The Dartmouth. Sebastian DeLuca, the 2014 class president, said in an email that Chang would be relieved of his position and replaced with an existing member of the class council. Chang, meanwhile, took down his Facebook page sometime between yesterday and today, and didn’t respond to requests for comment.

The most beautiful irony of all might be Chang’s most recent contribution to The Dartmouth, an opinion piece he penned just over a month ago called “How to Ruin Your Social Life at Dartmouth.” His list consists of (1) harassing people on the toilet, (2) harassing people with threats of mortal psychosis, and (3) harassing people using emoticons. Let us add (4) LSD. Contrary to popular belief, it really only makes you popular with the police.

The administration has been very hush-hush about the case for the last two weeks, but Delos Chang has been an ongoing source of muttering on the website BoredatBaker.com. The Dartmouth, which technically ceased publication two weeks ago, is grinding back into gear for a breaking news story on Delos, according to a reporter for the paper. Updates to come on that. For now, consider this a warning to send all your drugs by FedEx.

Update: an IvyGate source who’s requested anonymity has informed us that cocaine was definitely not involved. And then there were two.

Also, there appears to be confusion at The Dartmouth as to whether Chang is actually secretary or treasurer of his class council. Their most recent story says treasurer, but this article says secretary, and so does the Facebook page created for Chang’s election. Apparently drug use is not uncommon at campus newspapers either.

RagTime: Slept Late, Here It Is Edition

  • Columbia: “Another linguistic charm of the magazine’s name is the resemblance of ‘hoot’ to ‘haute’ as in ‘haute couture.'”
  • Yale: Facebook invitations now considered a journalistic source; nothing compares 2 u, Toad’s.
  • Dartmouth: Kim on MLK Day: “King would have loved this thing that I would have done anyway!”
  • Penn: Social networking for people who have no problem with networking IRL.
  • Cornell: “Before Lady Gaga, there was Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga.” There was music before Lady Gaga?!?! We can hardly remember…

RagTime: You BET Edition

RagTime: Dartmouth, Unite for a Soft-Serve Machine! Edition

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