Ivies under attack for sexual assault policies

Ah, springtime at an Ivy: students descend on the quad, thesis writers emerge from their caves, and — best of all — high school seniors attack campus with naïveté, un-jaded excitement, and a myriad of questions all boiling down to: Can my host get me alcohol? Is this the school for me?

Columbia’s first Days on Campus program — prospective student visiting weekend — for the Class of 2018 began today. Prospies were treated with a beautiful spring day and  blue and white balloons blanketing College Walk. But they’re also getting another dose of classic Columbia: protests.

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Harvard’s 15 Hottest: An Analysis

Let’s be honest here: Valentine’s Day–and true love–is really about objectification, and no one understands that quite like Harvard. The Crimson just released its annual 15 Hottest Freshmen round-up, and this year’s selection is bound to impress. So many Splendid shirts. Such wind-blown hair. It’s good to see that Harvard is equal-opportunity in its objectification: the group is almost painfully diverse, to the point that you can almost hear each race being checked off a list somewhere as you scroll through the portraits. While Yale’s Rumpus releases a similar “50 Most Beautiful” feature each year, New Haven’s idea of beauty seems to include a lot of warm and fuzzy criteria like volunteering and having wholesome extra-curriculars or alternative passions. Harvard only cares about how attractive your face is, and we respect that single-minded honesty.

Our heavy-duty mathematical analysis finds that the hottest point of origin is New York State, with over a third of the freshmen hailing from Manhattan, Rye, Larchmont, or some other Westchester city. Internationals make a healthy appearance: 3 out of the 15 are from outside the U.S., doubtless with charming accents to prove it. Canaday and Weld are tied for buildings hosting the most heat, with 3 each. We’d also like to take this moment to point out that Harvard has a dorm called Wigglesworth. Oh, Harvard.

In the spirit of appreciation, we’ve awarded some superlatives of our own below. Congratulations, you lucky freshmen! Go out on the town (the square?) and experience the prime of your beautiful youth.

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The Crimson Has a PR Flak

The crème de la crème of college papers is pretty, well, self-gratifying.

What we mean to say is: The Harvard Crimson has a PR team of at least one member, from which IvyGate has received literally dozens of frothily positive emails pitching us the cream of their coverage, that we might disseminate it. By means of aggregation.

Haley DeJulio, H ’15, (quickly) comes to mind. (Haley has sent us lots of really nice emails! They will so get her a job, we think! She seems really nice!)

Haley is “a Circulation and Marketing manager” at the Crimson. We’re not really sure what that title means, either—whether she is the only flak, or whether there is a whole “Circulation and Marketing” department. So we have…reached out to Haley, the Crimson‘s public relations representative, to see what the deal is.

We’re sure our email is being forwarded up the chain of command this very second.

Goodnight Finals?

It’s finals — again. Yes, and IvyGate has a little comfort for you even though you don’t deserve it. Admit it, students during finals regress to their “terrible twos.” We fall asleep at odd hours of the day; whine about every single, last thing; have incurable sugar cravings; and even at times break into inopportune sobs. You would think we were teething or something.

While toddlers have someone to soothe their insomnia with a bedtime story as they are tucked in, we’re usually left to suffer, lying in bed as we turn over, wait, and then turn over again hoping pleading that the last remnant of Red Bull would just leave our bloodstream, dammit. What to do?

Have professors read Goodnight Moon, of course.

If anyone is willing to, let’s market this to all the Ivies. PrezBo has a fireplace and comfy chair just sitting there, and I’m sure Harold Bloom can’t wait to say goodnight to both mittens and kittens. The possibilities are endless!

And if this video still didn’t do the trick, may we suggest this lovely read.

“Wheeler? I Didn’t Even Know ‘er!”: World-Class Non-Ivies Just as Gullible as World-Class Ivies

The school that everyone assumes is in the Ivy League before you casually explain to them that, in fact, it isn’t, has made news… Well, only through another tangential misassociation with the Ivy League, but still! Apparently, Stanford professors are smart enough to tell us not to worry about driving around in Japanese flaming death machines, but not to spot a flagrant fakester: that is, Adam Wheeler, whom they admitted as a transfer  for the 2010-2011 academic year.

Smooth move, especially after ‘Wheasler’ had already been expelled from Bowdoin and Harvard, the latter heavily featured on his transcript. Nor did they seem to notice the overwhelming smell of bullshit emanating from his obviously-faked resume before firing off the thick-envelope. Perhaps our parallel-universe California brethren aren’t so different after all. Although, their mascot is a god damn tree. What’s the deal with that?

But here’s the best part: Seems as if Stanford still isn’t sure whether or not to let the guy in. Speaking to the Crimson, Lisa Lapin, Stanford’s PR lady, is taking an innocent-until-proven-so-obviously-guilty attitude:

Whenever the university becomes aware of a possible misrepresentation of facts in an application for admission, Stanford will investigate. If at any point the university concludes that an applicant has misrepresented their credentials, we will revoke an offer of admission.

Maybe, just maybe, after talking his way out of those 20 felony charges, Wheeler will end up in sunny NorCal, working on his tan and being asked what the Ivy League is like. (Also, “suckling on the teat of disdain.”)

We also gather that his academic interests might have changed a bit from “Armenian critical topographies.” He also applied to Williams College’s seaport maritime studies program.

Arr!!!