Before Yale’s Upcoming “True Love Week”, Headline Speaker Published Fanatical Anti-Gay Tirades

“True Love Week” is a series of events organized by seven Yale students calling themselves Undergraduates for a Better Yale College. It’s formulated as an antidote to the concurrent Sex Week, which it believes “aggravates” rape and sexual harassment and enforces Yale’s “hook-up culture”. Though the leaders of UBYC have a history of moralizing—nearly all of them belong to Choose Life at Yale, the campus anti-abortion outfit—it’s not so clear, as it is for abortion, what their solution to “hook-up culture” involves. Nor is it clear what kinds of sexual behavior they deem appropriate for their peers. The group’s selection of speakers for True Love Week, however, provides a clue.

Meet Anthony Esolen, Princeton alum and English professor at Providence College, who will deliver “The Person as a Gift” for True Love Week on Monday. Before UBYC courted the scholar of Renaissance English Literature, Esolen wrote and published an elaborate, ranting, ten-part treatise against gay marriage, in which Esolen blames gay marriage for the destruction of platonic male friendshipsthe divorce rate of heterosexual couples, and the death of culture itself.

When IvyGate inquired about Esolen’s work, UBYC’s Bijan Aboutorabi told us that his “writings about same-sex marriage aren’t really in UBYC’s topical purview, so [he couldn’t] offer a comment on that subject.”

When we pointed out that UBYC is advertising True Love Week with an enormous pair of gold-plated wedding rings, another officer, Eduardo Andino, told us that UBYC “is not an organization which has been made to lay out a comprehensive philosophical system that addresses all sexual questions.”

You can read all of Esolen’s essays here: Part 1 and 2; Part 3 and 4; Part 5 and 6; Part 7 and 8; and Part 9 and 10.

Don’t want to, though? You’re in luck: here’s IvyGate’s official field guide to Professor Esolen’s elaborate conspiracy theory of gay people, in ten parts (with a bonus bit about lesbians): Read the rest of this entry »

Sex Week at Yale: In Memoriam (?)

Considering how un-sexy most of the Ivy League is, it’s always creepy how pervy and sex-obsessed Yale is, whether it be naked recruitment parties, sexist Asian playboys or, taking my personal vote for most scarring, interpretive art ostensibly created from the bodily remnants of a rigorous nine-month period of self-induced abortions.

But things might be changing for the university ranked the second-horniest in the nation by Newsweek and The Daily Beast. Last week, Yale president Richard Levin announced that the student-run Sex Week — Yale’s biennial celebration of everything porn-related or moderately sexually offensive — would no longer be permitted to use university facilities or Yale’s name to conduct the program’s festivities.

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BREAKING: Yale Gets Gender-Neutral Housing for Seniors

Yale College Council President and GoodCrushDarling Jon Wu just emailed all undergrads with some surprising and promiscuous (in the old-timey sense) news: Yale will offer next year’s seniors the option to live in Mixed Gender Suites. Not too much of a shocker, given that every other Ivy has already taken the gender-neutral plunge. Regardless, the email has been met with campus-wide celebration and student declarations of “victory” (after all, these kids camped out in the New Haven cold to rally for the program).

And, just like the Hanover Police, the man finally caved in. Yale’s Class of 2011 will get to mingle in unisex common-rooms and blur meaningless, culture-imposed gender lines as “part of a pilot program,” which the YCC hopes to extend to the rest of the College after a year of review. But don’t worry kids, this won’t be a complete free-for-all. The new policy:

1.  Each bedroom within a suite must be single sex. A man and a woman may not occupy a double bedroom, but they can elect to live in separate single bedrooms within a suite.

So no hetero-roomie-sex, for now…

2.  No student will be assigned to a mixed-gender suite against his or her will.

…or imprisonment (?).

3.  Mixed-gender housing groups will get no advantage or disadvantage in the housing selection process. If they are not able to select a suite that can accommodate them, they may need to break into different groups that may or may not be mixed gender.

Plus, ostensible fairness! And finally,

4.  Students in intimate relationships are strongly discouraged from entering into a shared suite arrangement.

So, basically, you can’t be like this girl... for many reasons.

The new policy found unanimous approval from the Yale Corporation (in the wake of a successful and liberating Sex Week), as well as our friends over at The Bullblog. Here at IvyGate, we’ll be reserving judgment until we see how the pilot program fares. Questions remain… Will it coax back the unwashed off-campus hordes? Will Jesse Morrell make an angry return? What will become of the fine art of sexiling? How will the trannies respond? How will Jesus respond? And has noone considered the cooties?

This breaking news brought to you by a very tired and midterm-addled IvyGate EIC. For our past coverage of Yale’s housing sturm und drang, check out this excellent analysis from our predecessor, Adam (he lives on!).

And, for what it’s worth, read the full, earth-shaking YCC email after the jump.

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Yalies Love “Blow Jobs!! and Eating Out!!” – PART 1: The Bill of Rights

Sex Week at Yale has finally drawn to a breathless close, brought to climax by back-to-back porn star visits–that is, man with ladyparts, Buck Angel, followed by woman with famous ladyparts, Sasha Grey. But it turns out, Yalies aren’t yet done pushing the bounds of taste.

IvyGate has received an exclusive copy of a six-page set of oral-sex notes, entitled “Blow Jobs!! and Eating Out!!,” currently heating up inboxes across campus. The meticulous treatise was scribbled during Sex Week’s most popular event, “Babeland’s Lip Tricks: Blow Jobs and Going Down.” (For those interested, Babeland is a sex-toy and erotic film boutique.)

The mysterious notetaker claims to be a “sexpert and goddess,” and her treatise documents not only the workshop itself, but also the ‘oo’s and ‘aa’s of an enraptured, aroused crowd of Yalies, asking lewd questions and deep-throating bananas (yes, really; just wait for Part 5).

The speaker herself? A colorful character by the name of Darlinda (just Darlinda, you know, like Cher), described by the notes as an “x-rated Mrs. Frizzle.” She started the event by declaring “I hope you’re all out there having sex!” and having all Elis in attendance scream “cunt” and “cock” in unison (listen to audio clips from the event here.) What follows is perhaps the most graphically debauched and proudly X-rated lecture ever to echo through Yale’s ancient stone walls. The notes themselves are divided up into different sections, each increasing in lascivious intensity. The first is “THE BILL OF RIGHTS (based on pleasure).” Some highlights:

  • Own Your Own Orgasm
    • “Love thyself. Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate!”
  • Ask for What you Want
    • “Don’t be afraid to say, ‘I’m read to fuck you in the butt’”.
  • Don’t Be Afraid to Make a Mess
    • Don’t be ashamed “if you squirt, you cum, you’re just juicy”…”if you pee…”

And our own personal favorite:

It’s like cooking. If you don’t make a mess, you aren’t doing it well.

And, sweet mother of sasha, it only gets better. Read the full text of Part I after the jump, and check back next time for Part II, “Anatomy of Pleasure.” This is going to be a juicy, messy, oraltastic ride.

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Op-Ed: GoodCrushFail

It’s about that time of the year when your pants are fitting a little tighter and couples, making you snarl: Valentine’s pre-week, and if you’re lucky, Sex Week as well. Slushy snowy nonsense keeps you indoors, and your achy breaky heart’s asking you to look for love in all the wrong places. What options have you got? Facebook? Umm…Grandma’s on that, now. Craigslist? Not, unless you want to be brutally axe-murdered. How about their twisted, nymphomaniac grandchild: a new site, just for lonely collegiates like yourself?

Well, why not? Guess it’s about time for a techno-regime change; young, bored college students need to redefine what’s already been defined. Myspace failed where Facebook triumphed. And now, e-Harmony’s been bested by this new, perky young thing, fresh to the Interwebs. Her name’s GoodCrush, and she’s on the prowl, eating away the last three minutes you have after Facebook-ing, Twitter-ing, Digging, Myspace-ing, Masturba… – taking long showers etc.

If your inbox hasn’t already been thoroughly molested by GoodCrush’s prying hands, then sorry… guess you’re not attractive. (Or just not the Yale student body president.) Either way, the love notices are as sex-starved as…well, as all the Ivies themselves. Take these Shakespeareans, for example:

Your beauty is so radiant it’s like you have eight legs. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

You were wearing an argyle sweater. You’re descended from Xerxes.

You’re short and Asian and always so well-dressed…I love that you use a pink ruler to draw your graphs when taking notes….any chance you’d want to hold my ruler and lie tangent to my production possibilities frontier?

Hot. If people weren’t so busy being awkward stalkers, who knows how many children would be running around on campuses? The smell of love’s in the air, and GoodCrush is cooking up a feral pheromone stew. Or maybe that’s just the smell of lube, SAE. Either Cupid’s shooting blanks or college kids have finally realized that mystery is sexy (do me, Sherlock).

So how does it work? Crush on anyone (literally) by typing their e-mail into a precarious “crush list.” They’ll get your anonymous note and – ta-da! More confusion. They sign-up and are forced to find you by “matching” your crush. Sound like a romantic disaster? Yup: In every way possible. But it’ll get you laid, right? This Valentine’s, don’t sit alone in your room with Mr. Vibes, a Fleshlight, or your best friend: Jergens. Get out there. GoodCrush…and then smash!

Or, maybe just get trashed. Love is overrated.

UPDATE: Yale Makeout Prank Pics! R U DTMO?

Last night, famed Yale prankmasters, the Pundits, invaded a Yale Political Union debate on “Rejecting Hookup Culture” to express their views. They vigorously made out with one another in the lecture hall, for several minutes. The event was BYOMP (Bring Your Own Makeout Partner), and the horny horde was decidedly DTMO (Down To Make Out). We promised you pics; with the help of Cross Campus, we’re coming through in a pinch. After the jump, feast your eyes.

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BREAKING: Pranksters Disrupt Yale Debate with Steamy Makeout Sesh

The super cool kidz at the Yale Political Union were rudely and ironically interrupted this evening, mid-debate. Their resolution? “Resolved: Reject Hookup Culture.” Yale prank crusaders, the Pundits–along with some willing volunteers–were decidedly in the negative: they stood up in the middle of the pretentious discourse and proceeded to make out with another… for several minutes. The YPU suits were shocked and awed. Sex Week just keeps on giving. Pictures hopefully forthcoming.

SEX WEEK AT YALE – YDN Charts Yale’s Sexual Landscape; Extreme Horniness Afoot

Kicking off Sex Week with a bang, the Yale Daily News just released the results of their campus-wide sex survey, and the results are titillating. Yalies have a lot of sex, in a lot of ways, with a lot of people.

According to the poll, 31.2 percent of students have performed or received oral sex within the last week, and 28.5 percent of students have had intercourse within the last week.

Also, just over 5% say they’ve engaged in a ménage à trois. This from a school with a Fetish Fashion show??? After polling 1,770 undergraduates, the copy-hounds at the News have worked up a feature on the results, featuring some sexy, sexy quotes. They range from the hilariously innocuous:

As explained by Sarah Matthes ’13, a large portion of this pattern can potentially be attributed to what is commonly referred to as “DFMO,” short for dance-floor makeout.

To the painfully smug:

“From a single guy’s point of view, I find few things more fun than going out at night and seeing what I can come home with,” Wyper said. “It’s fun. It’s exciting. I’m not looking to fill my empty heart. Wednesday through Saturday you have a pretty decent shot at hooking up with somebody.”

And finally, the frustratedly romantic:

“I think that very few people are actually legitimately happy with the way things are. I sincerely think that,” Ann Chou ’10 said. “I don’t think very many people are satisfied.”

We’ll leave you all to judge for yourself (that is, if you’re not busy with biweekly oral sex) after the jump, with the comprehensive results of the sex survey, featuring detailed statistics on Yalie masturbation, intercourse, three-ways, manual stimulation, relationships, make out seshes, and sluttiness. Consider this foreplay: IvyGate’s Sex Week coverage (from Dr. Suzy to Sasha Grey) will erotically continue in the coming days. Feast your eyes:

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Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby: America Braces Itself for Another Sex Week At Yale

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby: America Braces Itself for Another Sex Week At YaleConservative blogosphere, your finest hour is soon upon you. It’s Sex Week at Yale, that time of year when you get to bitch and moan and erupt in all sorts of righteous indignation about the moral turpitude of America’s elite academic institutions. Remember last year?

This year has some veritable all-stars appearing. A brief preview:

  • Dr. Ruth
  • Mystery and his semi-retarded wingman Matador
  • Ron Jeremy
  • Monique Alexander
  • A random Trojan Condom executive
  • A bunch of academics who talk about sex but don’t actually have it.

We’ll be sure to cover the breaking news as it happens. We can’t wait to see Mystery seduce half of the Yale campus for the Ivy League Edition of The Pick-up Artist. Or watch Matador watch Mystery seduce half of the Yale campus. What we learn, year after year: talking about sex is almost like having it, at least in the Ivy League.