This week on the venerable HuffPost Live, user “gaydood” asked a hard-hitting question: “is sex better at better universities?” Rather than making the correct response of “yes of course! So much good sex all the time always forever!” participants Donny J. of Cornell and Margot Harris of Brown succeeded in perpetuating the Ivy League image of nerds clumsily bumping uglies. They grew immediately uncomfortable and tried passing the question off to each other, with Harris finally claiming she didn’t have enough experience with other schools to have a particular theory. Thanks a ton, guys.
Lena Chen, the Marianne of IvyGate’s early days, is back — or, really, she never went away. While she may have cut short the youthful antics that made Sex and the Ivy such a fun read, she’s been trucking away on a thesis — apparently about virginity — for which she’ll take requests. If you send Lena your favorite word, she’ll do her very best to squeeze it into the culmination of her academic career: so far, she’s found places for “hodge-podge,” “willy-nilly,” “lollygag,” and “hullaballoo,” though, shockingly, “sexual napalm” has been elided.
Also, we admire Lena’s ability to build on her past infamy and become an interesting — dare we say delightful? — internet presence. How many internet memes are willing to build on their fame in order to show the world their actual achievements, rather than reveling in bad behavior or disappearing altogether? Bravo, Lena! (But if you make any poor decisions, we’re coming for you.)
Six months ago, Sex and the Ivy‘s Lena Chen and significant other Patrick Hamm (H’GS, Y’04) were embroiled in a scintillating S&M scandal. Now they’re just another monogamous yuppie couple photoshopping pictures of their dog into Christmas cards.
Kind of sweet, isn’t it? Soon they’ll be living in a big beige house in the suburbs with a parcel of precociously intelligent children who attend Waldorf schools and spend weekends figure skating in the ice rinks of Hell. Seriously, whodathunk Lena Chen would settle down before graduation? Note that the above slutty Santa ensemble is not the same one Lena wore last year.
to: Lena Chen
subject: Re: Happy Holidays!
How many slutty Santa outfit do you own??
from: Lena Chen
subject: Re: Re: Happy Holidays!
IvyGate’s feelings toward Lena “I lowered my mouth over his cock and slid my lips over his shaft easily” Chen have been well-documented. Which is to say, she’s our best enemy, or maybe our worst frenemy, it’s hard to keep track. But there is one feeling we have toward Lena that is unequivocal: we don’t want to see her naked. But yesterday, we did. We also saw her getting railed by a guy with gnarly pubes and pasty thighs.
A “tipster” calling himself FUCKLENA posted thrice at 7:43PM on December 21:
SEX AND THE IVY’S LENA CHEN SEX GALLERY!!!!!!!
The 12-photo gallery featured four of Ms. Chen in the buff, one of which was taken from the angle of a blond-pubed man penetrating the “Bleeding Heart Nympho” vaginally. Another featured a pouting Chen pulling at the edge of her panties to reveal a tattoo we at first identified as a “flying penguin unfurling its penguin wings” (thanks, Hal), but upon further inspection recognized as a Claddagh ring, a traditional Irish wedding ring now popularized as a “promise ring” for the young and chaste.
We may be childish rumor-mongers here at IvyGate, but pornographers we are not. I instantly instant messaged Lena to get the scoop, and she reported that the blond pubes in question belong to “Sam,” a 35-year-old Penn grad student who is clearly more than a little messed up if he spends his free time trying to ruin a young co-ed’s reputation. Lena tells us she has been trying to ditch Sam for the last nine months (despite a November blog entry about him entitled “The Man I Could’ve Loved“) and is not at all surprised by the emergence of these pics. “This is actually a good thing,” she explains, “because now I can get a restraining order or something. … On the bright side, I think this qualifies as an excuse for me to get an extension on my term paper.”
After the jump, Lena’s surprisingly calm chat on the Ivy League lovers’ spat, and two carefully chosen and non-pornographic pics from the gallery.
UPDATE: IvyGate will return to a normal posting schedule on Jan 14. Enjoy the holidays/exams.
Lena “I lowered my mouth over his cock and slid my lips over his shaft easily” Chen, the genius behind Sex and the Ivy, recently wrote us an indignant email, claiming that we “scooped” her without linking to her blog:
Saw that your full text of the Craigslist ad has the same omission “No Black, Asian, overweight, or unattractive women please” as my original blog entry (accidentally deleted “black” when I was editing). For future reference, I’d appreciate it if you linked to my blog when you use it as a source. Thanks!”
In fact, we received the tip in our inbox, probably because we’re a real blog. Gawker used the same text.
This is the girl whose daily postings of utter banality include delicious “scoops” like these:
I just had a flashback. It wasn’t until my mother delivered a lecture today on smoking, that I realized I watched “Thank You For Not Smoking” in its entirety last week while simultaneously getting high… In other news, I scored three packs of Turkish Golds for a cool $11.17. Hard to beat Cali bud or cigs when it comes to price (and definitely in terms of quality for the former).
Last night, I had those deliciously artery-clogging chili cheese fries I craved from a little greasy spoon in Westwood. Then my friends walked over to Diddy Riese for the $1.25 ice cream cookie sandwiches which I ate throughout last summer…
And on and on. We never knew boredom could induce nausea until we encountered Sex and the Ivy.
An Open Letter to Lena Chen: Next time we scoop you about how you were stoned last night, or didn’t have sex, or did something else quite boring that we don’t care about, or ate so much food that you became so fat you’d have even less sex to not write about, we’ll definitely take care to post the link (www.sexandtheivy.com). No one gives a shit about your blog. We don’t read it, much less steal items from it.
Bring it, Lena.
—JACOB SAVAGE, JIM NEWELL, AND HAL PARKER