Catching Up With Old Friends: Mustard Guy Is Still Embarrassing Cornell

w_jacobson_story1Remember wingnut and condiment expert William Jacobson? Back in May, he wrote a post on his blog attacking President Obama for asking for “a spicy…or Dijon mustard” on his hamburger. This Harvard-educated lawyer accused Obama of elitism–because nothing’s more elitist than inquiring about a product produced by Kraft. Jacobson’s post sparked laughter in the entire political blogosphere, causing him to link to all the people laughing at him, resulting in more laughing and more linking until the entire internet imploded. The end.

Oh, and he’s got a faculty job at Cornell.

Since “Colonel Mustard” first earned his nickname, he has continued to write more wacky posts about how Sotomayor is racist, Hillary is disappearedWonkette is Trig’s real mother, and so on. But it is Jacobson’s post from last Friday that really demonstrates the peak insane form he showed in early May. It is titled “If Palin Were President Now” and it is every bit as magical as you would expect.

By speculating what would happen if Alaska’s Point Guard were the current Commander in Chief, Jacobson is operating under the assumption that John McCain won in November and died soon after. Of course John McCain is still alive in real life, meaning Sarah Palin would still be VP and have all the time she wants to shop in Georgetown. I don’t know why Jacobson thinks McCain would have died in the past eight months. Maybe he’s confusing him with Ed McMahon.

Because this is just speculation, Jacobson can write whatever he wants without any sort of proof or justification or logic. He can say that in her first six months as President, Sarah Palin would have fixed the economy, reduced the national deficit, sent Optimus Prime to kill Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and won the Boston Marathon–even if all of it only could have happened in Jacobson’s recurring wet dream. And when people take him to task, he doesn’t have to explain himself. After all, it’s just speculation. Just like when TMZ claims Diana Ross is the father of Michael Jackson’s kids.

William Jacobson, if you are reading this, please realize how much embarrassment you are bringing to the university that employs you. Not because of your political beliefs, but because of your failure at simple reasoning. You say that if Sarah Palin were President now, the country would be in much better shape. That is simply untrue. You failed to realize that Sarah Palin would never be President now, because she would have quit last week.

Dartmouth Student Politicians Send Embarrassing 3AM Emails, “I’m Telling!” Spree Ensues

Dartmouth Pres CandidatesDartmouth student body presidential candidate John Nolan ’10 got double busted for ass-kissing and bull-shitting on Friday. First Nolan criticized the current administration in last Wednesday’s presidential debate, then wrote a long SSS (sorry so sloppy letter) right after — only to have it printed in the D the very next day. Thank god for press-savvy 20-somethings and their impeccable knowledge of how and when to leak embarrassing information to the press. Especially after Nolan won’t shut up about not getting any press coverage.

In some wording that’s slightly above jungle gym talk, Nolan explained in an email to Bode and Assembly Vice President Nafeesa Remtilla ‘09:

“Yes, I could go about playing the likeable card, the approachable card, be a people pleaser, and smile and nod and maybe pull off some Sara [sic] Palin winks,” Nolan said in the e-mail. “But at the end of the day, if I do that, and I lose to [Vernon], I’m going to regret this experience.”

It gets better:

“When I tried to be politically correct, I didn’t get press coverage,” he wrote. “I need my name out there. I need the exposure. I need to make waves to win, and that’s all I’m doing.”

Everybody’s new best friend, Nolan goes onto point out how he didn’t really mean all those things he said, didn’t want to do anything “dirty,” and just wants to win win win. Way to break  rule number one of behind-closed-doors-dirty politics: Don’t talk about dirty politics.

Given the fact that Dartmouth students have recently had some problems with sending regretable emails, we’re starting to wonder if maybe Hanover shouldn’t have electricity. At least Nolan (probably) didn’t pull any race cards and will likely just lose and enjoy our awesome Google ranking for the rest of his political career.