The real reasons Harvard kids don’t date

This week at #AspenIdeas, former Harvard hall co-master (and current Yale Child Study Center lecturer) Erika Christakis talked about how Harvard students aren’t dating. A bunch of non-college students on the panel then set about debating why college students aren’t conforming to their standards and telling us how, once again, us dumb millennials are doing something wrong.

Tired of letting old people speak for us, IvyGate came up with a list of the real reasons Harvard students aren’t dating in the “traditional” sense:

  • There’s no grade inflation in first impressions.
  • Chances of ending up in someone’s tell-all memoirs a few years down the road are too high.
  • You assholes keep telling us millennials aren’t serious enough so we’re focusing on serious things like class and shit instead of dates.
  • Still waiting on line at a final club.
  • That emo phase in middle school really drained us.
  • Storing up on care-free sex while the school still pays for birth control.
  • Only understand “romantic” in literary terms.
  • The Cambridge Panera is always too crowded for dates.
  • Can’t figure out if “having it all” means having a husband or having lots of casual sex.
  • Rebelling against helicopter moms.
  • The Winklevoss twins do not look like Armie Hammer in real life.

But the real reason Harvard kids aren’t going on dates? They’re too used to thinking once you get in you don’t have to expend any more effort.

No “Sex” for a Year. Gay Romance Novel Must Suffice.

Sure, Harvard students may not have much actual sex.  But they certainly like to think about it!  From sex bloggers to sex magazines to actually buying sex services, the good old ivy is crawling with horny yet mostly virginal overachievers.

The latest addition to this slew of slutty scholars is a certain Lesley R. Winters, whoever she is.  You see, Lesley R. Winters is merely the name behind last semester’s awkwardly titillating literary phenomenon on campus.  The actual writers of The Stableboy have chosen to remain anonymous.  (tips!)

The Stableboy is a steamy farce of a Victorian and oft-times-homosexual romance novel.  Part One was published in five installments in The Arts section, and is to be continued after the summer.  The basic plot is something along these lines: there is an unhappily married couple, the woman is dissatisfied; the man is a sleazy lush.  The new stableboy on their property is a hot young thing that manages to catch the lady’s eye…and then her husband’s.  Budding romance – and budding homosexuality – ensue in a prose that’s so self-consciously imaginative, sensual and innuendoed that reading it (or listening to it being read to you by The Crimson’s new audio option/robot voice) is pure, indulgent fun.

Here’s what I mean, from the fifth installation:

The yellow firmament above the vast courtyard was assuming an ominous gray. The play of moisture and heat in the air made the supple boughs wag. The tumultuous wind tore violently at her hair and thrust its cold cruel fingers through the laces of her bodice.

Then came the rains, first in scattered drops that teased her skin with their heated lightness, then in a warm torrent that laved her arms and head and parted the shirt from her bosom and thrust its tongue into her bare-stript heart. She struggled, gasping, in the direction of the stables.

When she came into the stable, she was thoroughly wet. She was unraveled.The mares and steeds were pawing restlessly at the ground in their stalls. “Stable Boy!” she called. There was no answer.

An instant later The Stable Boy strode through the door. He was soaked from the rain, and as he entered he pulled off his shirt in one fluid motion and tossed it to the ground. In the gray light of the stable, drops of rainwater could be seen sliding between the Olympian muscles of his shoulders and back.

“Why don’t you take off that dress?” he suggested coolly, his biceps bulging as he raked his fingers through his darkened curls.

With the recent news that our favorite sex blogger will be taking the next year off, let’s be glad that more Harvard students have decided to hop onto the media bandwagon of impossibly lewd prose.

After the jump, a link to The Crimson’s audio version of The Stableboy for your listening pleasure, and more pictures of Harry Potter’s Daniel Radcliffe trying to be a sexy stableboy and failing/succeeding miserably. Just cause the pictures are too good not to post.

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