Cornell Students Getting Hit in Paintball Drive-By Shootings

Police in Ithaca are stumped as town residents are being shot by paintballs from a moving vehicle.

According to two press releases issued by the Cornell police, several students were hit in paintball attacks between September 4 and 12. “Over the past week Cornell Police have received several reports of students being targeted with a paintball gun discharged from a moving vehicle. In all cases, students reported seeing a black or dark-colored sedan drive by them as they were struck by a paintball.” None have sustained any serious injuries.

To make this situation sound even more like the plot of a B movie, no one knows what the shooter looks like. According to Cornell police, “[t]here is no further description of the vehicle or any of its occupants.”

Police have yet to announce if the ongoing investigation has yielded any results. In the meantime, Cornell students should take precaution in case of a paintball attack by wearing thick clothing and carrying large umbrellas.

Judging from the lack of coverage and online discussion, Cornell seems oddly okay with this turn of events. A Cornell Sun article about the drive-by shootings barely goes into more detail than the initial police alerts, and tweets from students poke fun at the incidents.

The fact that a serial paintball shooter appears to be the most wanted man in Ithaca says something about the level of crime in the region. So even if other Ivies might make fun of Cornell for its rustic sensibilities, at least Ithaca has crime statistics that would make Yale jealous.

Harvard Houses Declare War on Each Other, Take Themselves Way Too Seriously

Seems like some Harvard kids just can’t take a joke (or rather, have to take that joke and turn it into a pompous public statement). For the past few days, Harvard has been buzzing with the all-powerful lameness that seems to be interhouse warfare. You see, when one Harvard “house” (one of 12 on-campus residences, in which most upperclassmen live) plays a prank on another, the pranked obviously, and rationally, responds with a “declaration of war” colonizing their pranker. That’s right, colonizing them.

This all seems to have started when Currier House residents started voting in an internal Adams House poll for a new mascot. Which, when it was discovered that the acorn they were about to inaugurate was elected under suspicious circumstances, prompted not a counter-prank, or a “haha, well done fellow students,” but war. What seems like a fairly decent prank (rigging a rival election, always a good call) has now somehow morphed into really douchey sounding “declarations” from both sides and alliances between Harvard’s houses. Read the rest of this entry »

Harvard grad won’t get jail time for torching 9/11 memorial

Remember this guy? Brian Schoeder? The one who was so plastered that he thought torching a 9/11 memorial was a good idea.

According to DNAinfo,

Brian Schroeder, 27, entered a plea to a deal that was worked out with a Manhattan judge in early November.

Schroeder said he was so drunk he did not remember breaking into the chapel and setting mementos like photos and notes left from 9/11 family members of 9/11 victims ablaze inside the chapel at East 30th Street and FDR Drive on Oct. 31, 2009.

He did $67,000 worth of damage and was ordered to pay restitution, although the amount has not yet been determined.

Manhattan Supreme Court Judge Bonnie Wittner said Schroeder did not deserve to go to jail for his drunken mistake.

According to NPR, Charles Wolf, whose wife died at the World Trade Center, voiced similar sentiments as the judge.

Why ruin someone’s life?  He made a mistake.

However, were these arrests a series of poor decisions and slip-ups too? Every crime stems out of an initial poor decision or mistake – Ivy League, for 2011, please just agree to quickly nip in the bud our next crime headline.

Yale Dean Not Amused By Your Pranks

Dear Dartmouth: If you want us to write about you, pass along crazy emails like this one. Mary Miller, Dean of Yale College, responds to “class disruptions” with threats, demands, and allusions to campus tragedy. The threats:

Faculty members have the right to teach in their own classrooms without interference, and students enrolled in these courses have the right to be able to listen to lectures and participate appropriately without disruption.  Any infringement of the right of an audience, such as a classroom of students, to listen to a lecture is a violation of the Undergraduate Regulations and will be subject to disciplinary action.

The demands — can’t you just see Mary Miller banging her shoe on a table while saying this?:

I call upon the leaders of these groups to cease immediately these disruptive and disrespectful actions and on the members of student organizations to refuse to participate in such demeaning activities.

Aaaand the tastelessness:

All of us — students, faculty, staff — have come together as one community several times this year in times of crisis.  As the year draws to a close, I call upon you to continue to demonstrate that support and mutual respect and to maintain our commitment to the educational mission of Yale College.

Hm, we disagree that students comforting one another after the death of their classmates matches, in gravity, avoiding silly pranks! But we’re not Yale administrators! [Yet!]

Full text of Miller’s email after the jump.

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UPDATE: Leverett T-Shirts Probably Came From Harvard Lampoon

Hey, remember those T-shirts making fun of Sept. 11 by comparing the Twin Towers to Leverett’s towers? Well, the Harvard Voice, which published an image of the t-shirt, at right, indicates they originated at the Harvard Lampoon. Which has, we guess, gone from making hit movies and spawning comedy legends to, um, silk-screening t-shirts.

Congratulations, Lampoon! You got the campus talking about you again! All it took was a tasteless prank that was foiled really quickly!

UPDATE: Yale Makeout Prank Pics! R U DTMO?

Last night, famed Yale prankmasters, the Pundits, invaded a Yale Political Union debate on “Rejecting Hookup Culture” to express their views. They vigorously made out with one another in the lecture hall, for several minutes. The event was BYOMP (Bring Your Own Makeout Partner), and the horny horde was decidedly DTMO (Down To Make Out). We promised you pics; with the help of Cross Campus, we’re coming through in a pinch. After the jump, feast your eyes.

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Exams Be Damned: Bulldogs Had Better Not Pout, Better Not Cry

Joelreen_santa

The Bullblog indicates that Yalies have Santa fever. Yale is stuck somewhere between a lump of coal and a stocking full of chocolate and a new Xbox on the “Christmas glee” scale. They’ve got both brands.

NICE: A giant Santa hat disrupting the Microeconomics exam.

NAUGHTY: The slightly more sinister Santacon bringing drunken, loutish Fathers Christmas to the streets of New Haven.

As end of semester distractions go, this beats Columbia’s Orgo night—advertised this year with fliers promising attendees camera time in Spider-Man 4—but still can’t quite measure up to naked, careening Harvard men. Is it Christmas break yet?

Yalies Make Middle School Humor Prominent and Irrelavant

jesux

Do you think the assholes that strung these lights up to make fun of Jonathan Edwards College realized that they almost wrote “Jesus Swalloz”?

That’s not in the Christmas spirit, Elis.

IvyGate Died? No, the Prox Lied.

ZombieThe Daily Princetonian’s overdesigned* blog started a nasty rumor a few days ago prompting panic in the cobblestone streets from Providence to Ithaca, Cambridge to New Haven. IvyGate is dead. The loving eulogy begins:

IvyGate, the blog that in the past has chronicled the foibles and follies of the young and over-educated (read: Ivy League students and recent graduates), has been noticeably dormant in the past month.

And like a warm tear running slowly down a baby’s cheek at Michael Jackson’s funeral:

Tales of the Ivy League that rose to fame on IvyGate include the saga of Yale abortion artist Aliza Shvarts, Yale self-promoter Alexsy Vayner and sex-crazed Colombia grad student Angela Rasmussen.

The rumor is false, faithful readers.

Yes, IvyGate has indeed written some badass sagas about many-a sex-crazed narcissist, and we will write about many more. At IvyGate’s worldwide headquarters in Williamsburg, New York City, tiny elven zombies have been working round the clock to train our supple new talent. Look forward to some more great things by Bobby Fineman, Brice Reynolds, and Daniel D’Addario.

In the meantime, we’re still hiring.

* – Assertions of demise and/or underworded obituaries definitely warrant a jab or two at your blog, Prox. Email us directly for pointers on why one should never try to make a website look like a stack of papers.

Hoax Makes Monkeys Out of Yalies (Updated)

outbreak_xl_01--film-A copyLast week, monkeys were on the loose in New Haven.

In a strange-enough-to-convince prank, “James A. Perrotti, Chief of Yale Police,” sent an email (from a Gmail account) to the university. Apparently five rhesus monkeys had gotten loose from the Child Study Center. Based on the email:

The animals are infected with the Motaba virus, a hemorrhagic fever native to central Africa; Yale-New Haven Hospital staff is ready to administer the E-1101 serum, but it must be administered within several hours of infection.

Potential tip-off: Why would Yale have diseased monkeys in the child study center?

This mystery is only compounded by the fact that searching “Motaba virus” on Wikipedia takes you directly to the page for the film Outbreak. The monkeys purportedly escaped at 5:07am on Thursday; the YDN reported a number of pranksters aping the imaginary lab creatures in full monkey suits. Anything for some time away from class – or a sweet, sweet banana.

The Yale Daily News debunked this whopper in no time. But the pranksters (Pundits?) did show up wearing some costumes. We got pictures. See the original prank email in full along with photos (Update: from the Yale Herald. See more below) after the jump.

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