The Blog Days of Summer: Introducing your June Guest Editors

Ladies and gents: Mix the mojitos, break out the tanning oil, and commandeer your Daddy’s schooner. IvyGate Summer Session is finally upon us. Even as we flee our beloved campuses for sunnier shores, the news and gossip train chugs on. The days are getting longer and the nights shorter, but equally debauchery-filled. Even while saving whales in Antigua, starving children in Senegal, and derivatives on Wall Street, Ivy Leaguers still find the time to act ridiculously. Ivy absurdity doesn’t take a vacation, and neither do we. So as you slave away at your unpaid internship, rack up mandatory Science credits, get wasted at your BS “language study” abroad, enjoy a free “cultural” beach vacay on your school’s travel grants, and suck up to your parents for spending money, you can still count on IvyGate for perennial distraction/chuckles.

But of course, fresh air calls for fresh blood, and so, in the time-honored guest editor tradition, IvyGate’s shaking up its editorial leadership for the summer, giving some new folks a chance to test their muckraking mettle. Your irresponsible EICs, Alex Klein and Dan D’Addario, are taking a break–hopefully to produce stories of wrongdoing of their own for others to write about. Freed from the day-to-day slog of the site’s trenches, we’ll be providing guidance and checking out applications for July’s guest editor positions (if you’ve emailed us already: don’t worry, we’re compiling the list and getting back to you all with application info ASAP).

Stepping into the breach for the month of June are two phenomenally talented writers and editors, both IvyGate contributors, who we think will rock your Argyle socks. They’ll be taking the good and leaving the bad with a very short learning curve, pushing out 5-10 posts a week and fielding your tips, love-songs, and hate-rants.

So give a warm welcome to your June guest editors, the dastardly duo of Miranda Lewis — also Editor-in-Chief of Yale’s Bullblog — and Gabe DeLeon — actor, humorist, man-about-town. Look forward to their introductory post tomorrow, and to phenomenal stuff from these time-tested satirists and blogstars in the weeks to come.

Yale Rumpus Awards IvyGate First Place in Sarcastic “Remedial Media Awards”; IvyGate Awards Rumpus this Post

Here at IvyGate, we usually tend to refrain from writing about ourselves (hell, who are we kidding… we’re Ivy-Leaguers. Self-promotion FTW). Yet, today marks a proud day in our humble blog’s scandalized history. The glass-house-dwelling stone throwers over at Yale’s drunken, debaucherous, dastardly, and delightful tabloid, Rumpus, today released a scathing IvyGate expose, gracing the last two pages of its final issue of the year.

After hard-hitting investigative journalism like “American Negro Gets Bored,” “Senior Hook Up Bingo,” Modern Love criticism, pornography, hipster-hating, lies, and half-naked pictures of its sultry, YD”P.N.”-loving Editor, how could we ask for more! Reaching our fill of typos, libel, ressentiment, social-masturbation, and “cock goblins,” we turn the page, feeling imperceptibly dirty… only to encounter this hysterical feature: “Remedial Media Awards: Yale’s Top Five Publications or, A Tribute to Alex Klein.”

The facts: Our beloved Bullblog is savaged for its hipster dilletantism, inflated sense of social importance, and journalistic frivolity, while the Yale Daily “News” receives genuine compliments and amorous overtures from the article’s “anonymous” author. And yes, there’s IvyGate, in first place! We didn’t even prepare a speech! From a publication that prints at least four times a year and that everyone reads, it’s truly an honor.

Wait a second… why is ex-editor and superstar Adam Clark Estes being lampooned for pouring too much effort into a “terrible, irrelevant blog.” (Maybe our 1,376,977 yearly readers — most of which hate us — should get in a fight with their 5,000 — most of which hate them. Then again, their middling few are supes cool Yaliens, so it would be close.)

The final page of Rumpus’ last issue of the year? Eat your heart out Pulitzer! We certainly can’t condemn our genealogical brethren at Rumpus for disorganization. There’s the five part list of “reasons why Alex Klein is brilliant.” Aw… you shouldn’t have. Oh wait, they’re insults:

  • Dan and I update often and have expanded IvyGate’s readership (to ~7,000 unique visitors a day). Ouch(?)
  • Supposedly, IvyGate posted the Yale secret society taps under *gasp* a pseudonym (um, the byline of our *gasp* co-editor-in-chief). Harsh, legitimate criticism, especially from the notable, obviously real author bylined in the feature: “Erectopus Superbus.”
  • We totally released “wrong” Secret Society lists and noted that they had not been released yet. You caught us! A wopping one Skull and Bones difference, two Wolf’s Head differences, and zero Scroll and Key differences. So, that’s 3 out of 46… calculating… calculating… a 93.5% correspondence with the Pundits’ list.
  • Hey, while we’re on the math front… Wasn’t Rumpus “50 Most Beautiful” list 21.6% whiter than Yale in general? Apparently, we were huge jerks to jokingly point that out and get picked up by “a shitty feminist blog”: Jezebel. According to “Erectopus,” 21.6% is “statistically insignificant,” while our aforementioned 6.5% divergence constitutes being totally “wrong.”
  • We posted about our alumni. How douchey and braggy, totally unlike the only pseudo-maintained section of  Rumpus‘ webpage:

Although Rumpus may think the focus of their award-feature is IvyGate and its co-editor, really, the star attraction is the tabloid itself. In fifth place, with trademark self-deprecation, the Rumpus self-honors. At least they did it for the lolz.

And so did we. Rumpus and IvyGate are practically twins separated at birth. We also make typos, self-promote, slip into snark, and fuck up. After all, we’re just uppity (yes, uppity), hormone-addled muck-rakers, spreading stories of Ivy League ridiculousness in between papers, parties and trysts. So are Rumpus, and here’s their Editor-in-Chief, who just emailed us to apologize:

we do this sort of thing in remedial almost every issue (our first remedial of the year was 2 pages of why we hate Tom Kaplan, we don’t actually hate him, he didn’t mind at all). We’ll also be the first to admit that we have no credibility criticizing publications when we’re clearly the worst run organization on campus and haven’t so much as written a real article all year.

But, despite all our foibles, making unsubstantiated ad-hominem attacks behind the veil of a pseudonym… well, we’d rather post about stuff like that than do it ourselves. So we are.

All that aside, our evil twin Yale tabloiders, we stand by what we said in that personal, complimentary email we wrote you – which you mockingly reprinted, without our permission: we love you. We’re proud of our dubious award; thanks for the publicity.

<3, IvyGate

Full Rumpus’ “Remedial Media Awards” feature after the jump, plus pics:

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Hip-Hop Artist Lars Knudsen Makes Yale “Hard in the Pants”

Thank god for Yale radio.  Every year, Yale’s radio station WYBC hosts a “battle of the bands” to determine Yale’s next O-town and the three Spring Fling opening acts.  This year’s selection had one especially surprising act—he’s not your typical college band.  He’s not indie, folky, or even alt-y.  Lars Knudsen (pronounced, according to the artist, Lars Kuh-nood-sen) is a rare breed in Yale’s music scene: a hip hop artist with an active myspace and dope lyrics. For mysterious reasons, Lars never performed at the festival so we were left with Myspace to discover what Lars was all about.

Lars Knudsen’s Myspace is really pretty similar to most hip hop Myspace pages out there—except that in his obligatory sullen picture of him holding headphones wearing a hoodie Lars is also wearing a Yale hat. Well if he’s got pride in the Ivy League, the Ivy League should have pride in his music… right? Just listen to the song “Everyday dreams come true” on his myspace page “Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa………… Bitch.  It’s Lars Knudsen.” The beat is a little bit reminiscent of Bed Rock, if Bed Rock was less catchy and if its title could easily have been the title of a disney song or an Oprah initiative.

Apparently he has high hopes to be a super star if he really does believe what he says in his song “Supa High”;

Find me at the top like I’m King of the Hill/ But this is not a cartoon, baby this is real/ Everything we do, we do it to the max/ If you can’t keep up then pussy here’s your tampax

Either that or Lars is pulling some massive joke on Yale’s too-ironic-to-function community.

After the jump more super dope lyrics! And music!

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Dartmouth “Sun God” Marches on Campus for Love, Ladies

The “Sun God” has been treating the Dartmouth Campus to delightful little performances since he (it?) arrived the beginning of this year– in those formative years, he was known as Jonathon J. Recor.  He’s a graduate student studying creative writing, but he’s best known around campus for his solo performance, decked out in a “sun god” mask and cape. The performances vary: he either walks around with a boom box or does something vaguely resembling a martial art or shadow fights using a light saber. And it’s all a the greater good! His intense love of women.  He has documented these excursions on a YouTube channel and in a multitude of Facebook albums, featuring pictures of the poseur posing with innocent bystanders (mostly women that he then Facebook Friends.  Maybe he loves them!).

Yesterday, he embarked on a “love march” to spread his amorous message to the city of Hanover.  He organized a procession of the Dartmouth community to remember “what we are truly fighting for—love!”. (The Justine Kolata/Movement for BJ comparisons are all-too-apparent.)

There are few people on this small planet who can say they once marched for love.

This “love march” will be a culmination of sorts of his performances and appearances as “The Sun God”, which are known collectively as Theater-On-The-Walk™ (It’s unclear what the TM stands for, because the possibility of him having a real trademark seems fairly unlikely.)  He covered the campus in “solar powered tiki torches”, one of which was apparently topped by  an animal skull (suspicions are abound that it may have been an antelope).  There were also flags with his original name “Big Love”.

After the jump, pictures and info on the crazy man’s life goals.

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PICS: Yale Secret Society Pre-Tap Night

As we write, the Yale ghosts and ghoulies are coming out to play, caped and masked, in a desperate attempt to lock down their taps in the Junior Class. By the end of tonight’s pre-tap, each society’s roster will, ideally, be set; a week or so from now, during Tap Night itself, the select few will ascend to their chosen society’s ranks. We’re not going to reprint names or selections, but to whet your appetites, here’s a couple of our own grainy pictures as well as a few courtesy of the beloved Bullblog:

More pics (and Punditry) after the jump:

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BREAKING: Rumpus Releases Yale’s 50 Most Beautiful (Sneak Pic and Full List)

Yale’s cruelest and least copy-edited “publication,” Rumpus, just dropped its trademark issue: the much-heralded and uber-nepotistic Yale’s 50 Most Beautiful. And inexplicably, there are 52 people on it. (Oh, and the cover mistakenly advertises 49, see below.) The rarely published and never fact-checked gossip rag also alludes to the exploits of a certain promiscuous “Cock Goblin,” public masturbation in Zeta, and more “truths they couldn’t prove.” Hot off the presses!

But don’t kid yourselves, you tasteless pamphleteers; we’re here for 50 Most. Best ways to get in? Know/hookup with Rumpus staff, make a public fool of oneself, (check, check) be a twin… or be beautiful, too, we guess. IvyGate’s got the list, and the balls to fact-check (stay-tuned).

Stats: The hottest Residential College is Davenport (mine, baby), with nine beautiful people, and the worst represented, Ezra Stiles, with a measly two. There are 11 freshmen, 12 sophomores, 18 juniors, and 11 seniors.

The actual hotness of these snarkily profiled folks is soon TBD. For now, feast your eyes on Movement for Beauty and Justice founder and professional airhead Justine Kolata, who made the issue alongside an exploited and confused horse above. After the jump: the full 50 Most list.

(Photo courtesy of Miranda Lewis, list graciously compiled by Joe Satran)

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