Jared Kushner Proposes Merger with Trump

Jared KushnerIvy Gate’s favorite real-estate scion, media titan, and robber baron Jared Kushner laid claim Wednesday to the best thing Donald Trump ever produced: Ivanka Trump. That’s right, he’s going to unite two great New York real-estate dynasties under a chuppah. Little Ivanka herself broke the story Thursday with that newfangled Twitter doohickey:

I got engaged last night…truly the happiest day of my life!!!

Three exclamation points and an ellipses!!! That’s 9.5 percent of her characters in that Tweet. A well-punctuated lady indeed. Not to be outdone, Huffington Post posted a story yesterday with similar exaltation over the union, “Jared Kushner, Ivanka Trump Engaged!” Of course, what lady wouldn’t be happy with a platinum 5.22 carat diamond ring selected from her own jewelry line?

Of course The Donald is happy with the union— it’s more publicity for the King of Class:

“I’m very happy about it. They make a magnificent couple.”

According to HuffPo, Ivanka recently told New York that Jared was perfect for her because they are both alcoholics, but for work. So the Trumps aren’t going to fire Jared. But the Kushner clan aren’t so thrilled their son had been smitten by a shiksa.

Though she is converting to Judaism, studying with Rabbi Haskel Lookstein at Congregation Kehilath Jeshurun on East 85th Street, it has not always been easy. Jared’s mother, in particular, has struggled with their relationship. Last summer, Seryl told Jared to cool it. They broke up for a time but soon got back together.

Ouch. It looks like Seryl will have to accept that a Trump womb will bear Kushner fruit. There’s still time to find Joshua a nice Jewish girl, though.

Mazel tov to the future Mr. and Mrs. Jared Kushner, and may your first child be a masculine child.

While We Were Out, Part IV: Can’t the Kushners Just Pay Our Tuition?

Joshua KushnerJared KushnerWhy would the New York Times bother to do a story on your slightly unhelpful yet quasi altruistic non-profit tech start-up? Because your name is Joshua Kushner, your brother Jared owns the New York Observer, and the word “scion” can be applied to you, that’s why.

It seems aside from pimping themselves out to a shady Mexican billionaire and music mogul David Geffen the Times is buttering up the Kushners for a loan by writing a 1,300 word profile on little bro Joshua’s new pet project UniThrive. Besides being all jazzed that they might get some sweet Kushner cash, there was a fail. The reporter didn’t even check out the microfinance group Kiva.org and the Times was forced to run a correction yesterday. That’s just odd given UniThrive co-founder Tanuj Parikh is the cousin of Kiva’s president.

Details and why begging is the new working after the jump.

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Jared Kushner Just Pissing Us Off Now

Jared Kushner Just Pissing Us Off Now

You know, when Jared Kushner, Harvard ’03, bought the New York Observer in July [Ed.: Private to non-news dorks and/or the poor: It’s a pink weekly newspaper with often unbeatable stuff on Manhattan media, real estate and gossip] we were all up in his wheelhouse. Sure, he was a rich snot, but if we had that kind of loot we’d do exactly the same thing: buy a cool paper on the cheap and start raising hell. We wished the golden boy and his gold well.

Then we found out Papa Kushner bought Jared’s Harvard acceptance letter with a $2.5 mil bribe donation, and didn’t hear a lot of cool stuff out of Observer headquarters. And now the guy’s dropping $1.8 billion on a single office tower in Manhattan.

At what point does impressively rich become filthy rich? Yeah, probably somewhere around the time you buy a Manhattan skyscraper. Maybe real estate just doesn’t excite us as much as catty pink newsprint, but we’re a little worried our friend Jar Jar is jumping a whole tank of sharks with this move. It’s like we’re only 25 minutes into the movie, but Charles Foster Kane is already about to crash and burn.