JUST SAY YES, YOU’RE MAKING US ALL LOOK BAD

This week on the venerable HuffPost Live, user “gaydood” asked a hard-hitting question: “is sex better at better universities?” Rather than making the correct response of “yes of course! So much good sex all the time always forever!” participants Donny J. of Cornell and Margot Harris of Brown succeeded in perpetuating the Ivy League image of nerds clumsily bumping uglies. They grew immediately uncomfortable and tried passing the question off to each other, with Harris finally claiming she didn’t have enough experience with other schools to have a particular theory. Thanks a ton, guys.

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How to Get into Harvard, According to Harvard Alum With No Idea What He’s Talking About

This Huffington Post column, written by Michigan pharmaceutical lawyer Andrew S. Doctoroff (Harvard ’85), contains almost every trapping of the college-admissions genre: a David-Brooks-like tone, the necessary statement that the author would never be admitted today, the creeping sense that you’re reading a thrice-rejected high school graduation speech, etc. What distinguishes Doctoroff’s column is that it’s directed at thirteen year-olds:

Dear Eighth Grader:

College interview season is drawing to a close. Hundreds of thousands of high school seniors would like to believe that they have secured admission to prestigious colleges by impressing alumni like me with their sterling credentials and conversational aptitude.

Our meeting will not take place for four years. I hope you don’t think it too presumptuous of me to give you some things to think about now, at this early juncture—to help you prepare.

This quasi-self-aware opening (he’s not actually that great…) presages some of the weirdest, vaguest, most clueless advice one could imagine giving an adolescent about college admissions. For example:

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Huffington Post Confirms That No One Can Stand Brown Students

Today in irrelevant college rankings: Arianna Huffington sat down at her computer, stared thoughtfully into space for a few moments, and then declared her intentions aloud, in the Greek accent that I can’t help but imagine any time I read quotes from her (it’s becoming a problem): “Let’s do a list of the most heepster colleges in America,” she said. And so it was done. And so, Brown showed up in the list’s #6 spot, sandwiched between Portland State University and Colorado College, neither of which we were able to reach for comment, through the thick fog of hydroponic pot.

So, there are a lot of hipsters at Brown. In fact, “Brown is a paradise for hipsters,” the ranking declares. In other news, the sky is blue, and no one likes Ivy League bohemians.

The truth of the matter is, though, that the Brown genus of hipster isn’t precisely the same as the garden variety, Keffiyah-toting Brooklouse hipster. You have to factor in a dollop of over-the-top privilege and even more pronounced lack of self-awareness. To drive home the difference, please enjoy another excerpt from the greatest take down of Brown ever written:

They were on campus now. No one seemed to be looking at her. Everyone’s hair was in their eyes and was also wearing platform sandals so they were really concentrating on walking. One girl walked into a tree. She cursed in French, wrapped her four yards of hair up in a Pucci scarf and answered her phone. “Hello? No way. Go fuck yourself. Hahahaha.”

Happy Friday.

Harvard Comedy Troupe Jokes About Murdered Yale Grad Student, Hides Evidence

Yesterday we wrote about On Harvard Time’s parody of the universally ridiculed lump of admissions-video pap, “That’s Why I Chose Yale.” Well, the clip has certainly gained its fair share of attention, although the vast majority of it negative. Turns out the jokesters ruffled some feathers when they riffed about murdered Yale graduate student Annie Le.

A number of national media outlets, including Gawker and the Huffington Post, picked up the story, slamming On Harvard Time for the joke. The group has responded to criticisms by claiming that they were making a social commentary on blah blah blah.

Per the Yale Daily News:

Our intention was to comment on Yale’s guarded treatment of their crime problems.The humor rested in the glossing over of a significant event, and not in the event itself. The line was not meant to make light of the incident or those involved, but rather to mock the University.

The original video has been made private, and a newly posted replica contains one very notable change — the Annie Le joke has been dubbed-over with a vague reference to the controversy .

See for yourself (54 seconds in):

Don’t worry, though, OHT — we still remember your incredibly ill-conceived choice of joke fodder!

UPDATE: On Harvard Time’s full press statement on the subject is available after the jump.

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HuffPo Gives Us an Ithaca Gorges Exegesis

HuffPo’s new college vertical just printed a great, sad article about the history of suicide at Cornell, “suicide capital of the combined Ivy League, Big Ten, Little Three, and Seven Sisters.” A staggering amount of research seems to have been involved — and to our mind, the saddest story is that of Shirley Slavin, in 1940:

Shirley Slavin arrived with her mother to enroll for freshman classes. After a few days on campus, she journeyed to the east side of Fall Creek, lingering for nearly an hour. In front of more than twenty witnesses, Slavin asked a passerby to hold her books and purse — and then leapt 125 feet to her death.

The article also delves into the history of suicide prevention at Cornell — including the shocking/wistfully sad rejection of “suicide bars”‘ construction on the gorges.

In 1977, such barriers had been added to the suspension bridge over Fall Creek, which one professor described as a “claustrophobic channel with a honky-tonk garishness worthy of Las Vegas [where] serried ranks of close-spaced bars make a prison corridor.”

The post is part of author Rob Fishman’s Masters’ thesis at Columbia School of Journalism — go read it, please!

UPDATE: ADPhi Hazing Irony Tastier Than Hypocrisy and Dog-Food

Our Cornell frat hazing story has gotten the Internet all in a tizzy; it’s currently lighting up the front page at Huffington Post and enflaming the feisty Gawker-crowd (also, these nerds). Just to add to the fun/fuel the fire, look what we just stumbled on, right on the front-page of the Cornell ADPhi chapter website:

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENTS:

Zero Tolerance for Hazing at Alpha Delta Phi

Several Cornell websites help visitors to learn about allegations of hazing at Cornell, report alleged hazing incidents, explore non-hazing group-building activities, and find out what they can do to prevent hazing. Take a look at: Hazing at Cornell and services for victims of hazing.

The best part? The links lead nowhere.

Yes; frats haze, no big deal. We think only an idiot would subject oneself to it, but to each his own.

But lying and hypocrisy? Didn’t know that was a brotherhood kind of thing… Ritual abuse, however “voluntary,” seems a little bit like Monica Lewinsky; you only get in trouble when you start fibbing about it.

Yale Censors ‘Sissy’ T-Shirts, Flouts Own Free Speech Code, and Pisses Everyone Off

sissiesrockwellThe buzz-killing master puppeteers behind political correctness are at it again in the Ivy League. But this time, bullshit has been decidedly called. Sparks are flying, and IvyGate is here to settle the Great Yale T-Shirt Saga once and for all. Investigation ho!

Turns out, the tale is as tangled as it is lame. In the days preceding the Harvard/Yale Game, Eli frosh cobbled together a mildly amusing anti-Cantab t-shirt, emblazoned with the seemingly innocuous quote

I think of all Harvard men as sissies.

F. Scott Fitzgerald, Princeton-dropout and required 10th-grade reading.

The little Elis subsequently patted themselves on the back for their cutting wit, and happily prepared themselves for yet another gridiron drubbing at the hands of not-quite-as-athletically-feeble-but-still-very-much-so Harvard.

But not so fast witty frosh! Like the charge of the light brigade, the Yale LGBT Cooperative descended upon the baby politicos of the Freshman Class Council. Apparently, Yale—normally the most homophilic of the Ivies—had committed a major gay-bashing no-no. In the words of LGBT Coordinator Julio-Perez Torres (whose Facebook lists “Freedom Fighter” as his Political Views.) Irony forthcoming:

The term ‘sissies’ is considered offensive and demeaning, and a “thinly-veiled gay slur.”

The Co-op cried foul to Yale administrators, and the hypersensitive head honchos put their foot down. The folks at the Huffington Post and the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education are also mad as hell, and not going to take it anymore. Read on after the jump.

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Jared Kushner Proposes Merger with Trump

Jared KushnerIvy Gate’s favorite real-estate scion, media titan, and robber baron Jared Kushner laid claim Wednesday to the best thing Donald Trump ever produced: Ivanka Trump. That’s right, he’s going to unite two great New York real-estate dynasties under a chuppah. Little Ivanka herself broke the story Thursday with that newfangled Twitter doohickey:

I got engaged last night…truly the happiest day of my life!!!

Three exclamation points and an ellipses!!! That’s 9.5 percent of her characters in that Tweet. A well-punctuated lady indeed. Not to be outdone, Huffington Post posted a story yesterday with similar exaltation over the union, “Jared Kushner, Ivanka Trump Engaged!” Of course, what lady wouldn’t be happy with a platinum 5.22 carat diamond ring selected from her own jewelry line?

Of course The Donald is happy with the union— it’s more publicity for the King of Class:

“I’m very happy about it. They make a magnificent couple.”

According to HuffPo, Ivanka recently told New York that Jared was perfect for her because they are both alcoholics, but for work. So the Trumps aren’t going to fire Jared. But the Kushner clan aren’t so thrilled their son had been smitten by a shiksa.

Though she is converting to Judaism, studying with Rabbi Haskel Lookstein at Congregation Kehilath Jeshurun on East 85th Street, it has not always been easy. Jared’s mother, in particular, has struggled with their relationship. Last summer, Seryl told Jared to cool it. They broke up for a time but soon got back together.

Ouch. It looks like Seryl will have to accept that a Trump womb will bear Kushner fruit. There’s still time to find Joshua a nice Jewish girl, though.

Mazel tov to the future Mr. and Mrs. Jared Kushner, and may your first child be a masculine child.