The real reasons Harvard kids don’t date

This week at #AspenIdeas, former Harvard hall co-master (and current Yale Child Study Center lecturer) Erika Christakis talked about how Harvard students aren’t dating. A bunch of non-college students on the panel then set about debating why college students aren’t conforming to their standards and telling us how, once again, us dumb millennials are doing something wrong.

Tired of letting old people speak for us, IvyGate came up with a list of the real reasons Harvard students aren’t dating in the “traditional” sense:

  • There’s no grade inflation in first impressions.
  • Chances of ending up in someone’s tell-all memoirs a few years down the road are too high.
  • You assholes keep telling us millennials aren’t serious enough so we’re focusing on serious things like class and shit instead of dates.
  • Still waiting on line at a final club.
  • That emo phase in middle school really drained us.
  • Storing up on care-free sex while the school still pays for birth control.
  • Only understand “romantic” in literary terms.
  • The Cambridge Panera is always too crowded for dates.
  • Can’t figure out if “having it all” means having a husband or having lots of casual sex.
  • Rebelling against helicopter moms.
  • The Winklevoss twins do not look like Armie Hammer in real life.

But the real reason Harvard kids aren’t going on dates? They’re too used to thinking once you get in you don’t have to expend any more effort.

New Matchmaking Society Aims to Provide Future Designer Babies

ivy plusTo those insane enough to still want to date someone from Princeton, Yale, et al. after attending an Ivy, a new, more blatantly bourgeois dating service now caters specifically to those elitist desires. According to their mission statement, the Ivy Plus Society, also referred to as TIPS (we couldn’t have come up with a more ironic acronym if we tried) aims at creating “a community of talented, dynamic individuals” with 75% of their members claiming single status. Most likely an attempt to encourage genetically customizing future purebred offspring, the new venture founded by Jennifer Wilde Anderson, Yale ’01, that stole Harvard’s final club/Princeton’s eating club concept targets recent alumni from the Ivies as well as their “plus” counterparts, such as Duke and Berkeley. The seemingly arbitrary qualifications even reach across the pond, with the London School of Economics making the list. Taking a Sex and the City approach to elitism and the dating scene, Ivy Plus assures the hesitant with promises of “fabulous”:

[W]e all need a few nights to set the roof on fire and fill-up [sic] a glass or three with a dash of chaos & adventure.

Read the New York Times response after the jump.

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Julia Allison Seeks Most Eligible Bachelor in Princeton

Julia Allison Seeks Most Eligible Bachelor in PrincetonThe notorious Julia Allison — dating columnist, sex columnist, “media kryptonite” — will be in Princeton this Friday, and she’s looking for a man after midnight. Or, you know, after her dad’s Alumni Weekend dinner. Papa Allison is class of ’70, but we digress. What matters is that Julia Allison is coming, and she’s single, and really hot!

Send a picture and briefly explain why you, Mr. Eligible Princeton Hetero and/or Closeted Gay Male, should get a date with the Tila Tequila of Manhattan journos. Seriously, keep it brief. The kid who asks “is single-spacing an option?” every time he turns in a term paper need not apply. Skillful self-portrayal is, however, part of Julia’s philosophy:

One of the most difficult parts of dating in New York is standing out. That’s why as a single person these days-male or female-marketing yourself outright is a necessary skill.

This is a big deal because a date with Julia Allison = Instant fame and fortune. See that magazine cover? It’s like Carrie Bradshaw’s “Single and Fabulous?” cover, but without the question mark. That means our winner will be Mr. Big, an epithet you can probably put on your resume, redeemable for infinite NYC ass later in life.

We’ll run a “Who Gets to Date Julia?” election on Thursday so the candidate with the most ambitious set of computer-savvy ballot-stuffing friends wins. Applicants must write to ivygate@gmail.com by (hang on while I make up an arbitrary time here) Thursday at 9AM!

Online Dating For Pretentious Weirdos

Online Dating For Pretentious WeirdosWho says the socially handicapped can’t be elitist, too?

Spend 10 minutes browsing “elite” dating sites like DateSmartPeople, SquareDating and GoodGenes, and you get the feeling you’ve stumbled into a sinister breeding experiment. “Your dating options shouldn’t be limited because you’re an intelligent and well-educated single, or are looking for one,” one site tells you. Ohhhh, so that‘s why I can’t get a date! I’m too smart. Also, I can’t play basketball because I’m too tall.

The euphemisms are equally precious: You’re not a snob, you’re a “discerning single.” It’s not a dating service, it’s an “introduction network.” We imagine there’s no such thing as sex in this world, only “amorous networking.” Hot!

The question here isn’t, “Who the hell would sign up for this?” Plenty of students already treat college like marital windowshopping (Dartmouth, Hillel, we’re looking at you) so it makes sense that the stragglers would need somewhere to convene. The question is, “Who the hell would want to date the kind of person who would sign up for this?” Because the only thing worse than an online weirdo is a pretentious online weirdo. (“What are you wearing?” “Just my monocle.”) Still, you gotta hand it to these sites for tearing down all populist pretense and playing to the unholy terror among some students that someday, God forbid, they might have to date outside their IQ percentile (read: tax bracket).