A Cheat Sheet of Ivy League Celebrities

CBS News has figured out why the whole world is going to pieces: people don’t have enough Ivy League role models, duh. They’ve posted a slideshow on their website of 33 celebrities who clearly think about their Ivy Education at every moment of their waking lives, or at least every moment that they aren’t waxing their upper lips and their Oscar statuettes.

IvyGate agrees that we all need some people to look up to–but as any Ivy League grad will probably tell you, there are “people,” and then there are “qualified people.” So for your benefit, we’ve decided to rate each of CBS’s featured celebs on his or her role-modelability, on a scale of 1 (might as well be Demi Lovato) to 5 (awesomer than three cans of Four Loko at the Harry Potter premiere).

1. Natalie Portman, Harvard ’03. Hangs out with Danny Aronofsky and manages to look a lot taller than she actually is. Also, way more Israeli than Bostonian. And she can rap. 4 out of 5.

2. Emma Watson, Brown ’13. Cute and sparkly, but has been known to burst into tears at the slightest incitement. Likes being a celebrity who hates being a celebrity. May at one point have been topless. Eh, not a lot of life skills there. 2 out of 5.

3. John Krasinsky, Brown ’01. Was an English major, thus showing all English majors that there’s hope for a future career that isn’t (a) librarian, (b) teacher at inner-city high school, (c) sulky Germanic Literature grad student, or (d) smug useless schmo. With a little luck, you can play a smug useless schmo on television. 3 out of 5.

4. John Legend, UPenn ’99. Graduated from high school when he was 16, cut an album with Kanye West, won a whole bunch of awards, and still gave enough of a damn about Penn to make a killer commencement speech in 2009. The man has soul, kids. 5 out of 5.

5. David Duchovny, Princeton ’82, Yale dropout. Former alien intelligence crusader, now just cruises for blond chicks with tits. 1 out of 5 or 5 out of 5, depending on your opinion of blond chicks with tits.

Lots more ratings after the jump!

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Child of the Corn Interested in Harvard/Yale/Columbia, World Domination

Helicopter parenting of the Black Hawk variety and classic kiddie exploitation have converged to produce the Ivy League’s next scary superstar: Fatima Ptacek. She’s a nine-year-old supermodel, raking in $250,000 a year, while appearing in national ad campaigns and chilling with Michelle Obama; on the side, she’s an award-winning gymnast, horseback rider, chess wiz, and Spanish/Mandarin Chinese speaker. Oh, she’s also starred on Saturday Night Life, and is appearing in a Catherine Zeta-Jones movie in a few months. So, Ivy League masses, prepare to feel more overwhelmed by your classmates than ever before, because, in Fatima’s words:

My dad said I’m allowed to go to Harvard, Yale or Columbia.

Why is herr father so adamant?

Barack Obama studied at Harvard, and I really like him. I want to be a lawyer. I was thinking of maybe going to the Olympics, but you know what? That’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing. I want to be in the court and fight for people saying, ‘My client is innocent!’

Such high sell-out ambitions at such an early age? Sounds like Ivy League material to us…  Get a load of the supposed secret to her success, according to her manager:

She’s ethnically ambiguous.

Regardless, something tells us Fatima won’t need the affirmative action bump come admissions season. Especially considering her Common-App ready childhood (or lack thereof):

Fatima is up every day at 6 a.m., preparing for school at PS 150Q, where she is in the Academy for Intellectually Gifted Children. At least twice a week, she cuts out of class early with her mom to ham it up at auditions and casting calls in Manhattan. She finishes her homework in the car on the way back to Flushing — for a three-hour workout at a Russian gym, Lana’s Gymnastics Club, three or four nights a week. Fatima finally hits the hay at around 10 p.m. Weekends are eaten up by horseback riding and five hours of Mandarin class on Saturdays.

We predict that this talented young woman will have several things to look forward to in her future, or combinations thereof: peaking early, burning out, world-domination, soulless careerism, the Presidency of the United States. Or maybe just following in Emma Watson’s footsteps and dating this guy: