After Year at Oxford, Emma Watson Postpones Return to Brown

We are sorry to break the news to the Brown University Class of 2016, but Providence will be a little less magical than you expected. Emma Watson, one of Brown’s token celebrity/witch/normal students, will be taking another leave of absence to work on her Hollywood street cred, the university confirmed.

Although several news outlets are trying to portray this as a “career crossroads,” with Watson choosing between a barrage of movie offers and her everyday life at Hogwarts Brown, it seems that she is committed to completing her course load. A spokesperson for the actress said, Her plan is to resume her studies in January in order to complete her last semester before graduation. Brown has been very flexible regarding her filming commitments.” We’re sure they do that for all their students with a hectic international filming schedule.

This is just the latest extension of Watson’s self-imposed separation from Providence. In March 2011, Watson announced a leave of absence from Brown, which turned into a yearlong study abroad at Oxford (where she apparently went by the exceptionally British alias “Humphrey Appleby”). Now it seems that she won’t be back on campus until January 2013, close to two years since she first left.

We will continue to miss Watson’s droll observations about weird American formalities such as our need to drink beer out of red plastic cups after the ritual exchanging of ping pong balls, instead of, you know, out of a glass and with less ping pong balls. To get you ready for her post-Potter career, here’s the trailer for her upcoming adaptation of The Perks of Being a Wallflower:

Julianne Moore Named Hasty Pudding Woman of the Year

This year’s Hasty Pudding Woman of the Year award, according to the AP, goes to Julianne Moore. Her male counterpart has yet to be announced. Hasty Pudding,  Harvard’s ancient theatrical society, last year gave their honors to Justin Timberlake and Anne Hathaway.

AP reports,

The four-time Oscar nominee is set to receive her pudding pot from the nation’s oldest undergraduate drama troupe at a roast scheduled for Jan. 27.

Although Hasty Pudding lists Moore’s role in Broadway productions and her two children book series as an explanation for why they chose her, here at IvyGate we think she deserves it for her wicked inaccurate and atrocious Boston accent on 30 Rock. (For a wicked Boston accent, please refer to the Departed.) However, I do admit that I could not even begin to say “Hahvad Yahd” without a Southern drawl, so I commend all for their efforts.

Considering that past pudding pot winners have included James Franco (2009) and Tom Cruise (1994), are we to expect the same level of vapid publicity stunts from Ms. Moore after she receives this award, as we have with these two? Here’s to hoping that she attends every-single Ivy League graduate program available and jumps on couches while doing so — or on second thought, let’s try to discourage this. Congrats Julianne! (You should appreciate it, since odds are that Harvard-grad Natalie Portman is going to thwart your Oscar hopes this year.)

Have ideas for what should be included in the roast? Who do you think deserves to be Hasty Pudding Man of the Year? Leave them below in the comments.

A Cheat Sheet of Ivy League Celebrities

CBS News has figured out why the whole world is going to pieces: people don’t have enough Ivy League role models, duh. They’ve posted a slideshow on their website of 33 celebrities who clearly think about their Ivy Education at every moment of their waking lives, or at least every moment that they aren’t waxing their upper lips and their Oscar statuettes.

IvyGate agrees that we all need some people to look up to–but as any Ivy League grad will probably tell you, there are “people,” and then there are “qualified people.” So for your benefit, we’ve decided to rate each of CBS’s featured celebs on his or her role-modelability, on a scale of 1 (might as well be Demi Lovato) to 5 (awesomer than three cans of Four Loko at the Harry Potter premiere).

1. Natalie Portman, Harvard ’03. Hangs out with Danny Aronofsky and manages to look a lot taller than she actually is. Also, way more Israeli than Bostonian. And she can rap. 4 out of 5.

2. Emma Watson, Brown ’13. Cute and sparkly, but has been known to burst into tears at the slightest incitement. Likes being a celebrity who hates being a celebrity. May at one point have been topless. Eh, not a lot of life skills there. 2 out of 5.

3. John Krasinsky, Brown ’01. Was an English major, thus showing all English majors that there’s hope for a future career that isn’t (a) librarian, (b) teacher at inner-city high school, (c) sulky Germanic Literature grad student, or (d) smug useless schmo. With a little luck, you can play a smug useless schmo on television. 3 out of 5.

4. John Legend, UPenn ’99. Graduated from high school when he was 16, cut an album with Kanye West, won a whole bunch of awards, and still gave enough of a damn about Penn to make a killer commencement speech in 2009. The man has soul, kids. 5 out of 5.

5. David Duchovny, Princeton ’82, Yale dropout. Former alien intelligence crusader, now just cruises for blond chicks with tits. 1 out of 5 or 5 out of 5, depending on your opinion of blond chicks with tits.

Lots more ratings after the jump!

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Columbia Senior Joey Goldberg Throws Hat, Flamboyance, into the Glee Ring

Many words could describe this video: fierce, belt-tastic, ironic, adorable, zomg, etc. We’ll just go with hilarious:

Let’s just say that the Yale and Cornell Sams are in for a fight. This consummate Columbia acapella diva means business.

Tsui Goes Glee

Yale YouTube celebrity, a-cafella, and theatrical all-star Sam Tsui is about to put his money where his 6 million views are: the diminutive, Disney-Channel-ready vocal savant is auditioning for Fox’s hit show, “Glee.” Television’s most insufferable show is holding an open casting call, and honestly, we think Sam’s got one hell of a shot (although, as card-carrying Tsui-groupies, we think he could do a lot better…) Here’s his audition video below:

After the jump, Cornell’s Glee-wannabe, insect-lover Samuel Ramsey ’11, gives Tsui a run for his money:

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James Franco to Arouse Yale PhD Program

There are two universal truths: life is long and arduous…and everyone drools over James Franco. Pull on your rain boots and expect a flash flood upon his first steps into New Haven this September. That’s right, Franco’s coming to Yale… for an English PhD. The Green Goblin’s son, after an MFA-stint at Columbia, is officially an IvyHopper! (copyrighted by IvyGate). Franco’s decided to cruise from New York to New Haven, bringing with him the wrinkled eyes of celebrity.

This begs a few questions. Is he a divine prophet sent down to radically improve Yale’s College Prowler sexy rating? Will he smoke a ‘dragon bong?‘ Will he need security from the eager Asian tour groups who will track him down for giddy pics? What about the cougar gays, looking for a real-life remake of Milk? And, wait…is he even that smart? This man–correction, this prayer-answered–has a history of…well…being attractive. In other words, does he really belong on any Ivy campus?

Then again, New Haven deserves a little eye candy for once. Sex Week isn’t all that relevant when one’s only choices are seedy Quinnipiac nymphomaniacs or prudish bulldogs. It seems Franco’s aim is not to christen himself with some throwaway Columbia English MFA or Yale English PhD, but rather, to bring some much-needed levity to academia. He’s taking the Ivy League on a night out, rounding up the freaks and geeks and introducing them to Mary Jane. I predict a lot of broken smoke alarms and billowing pillars in Yale’s future.

But let’s get dirty – what will Franco even do in a seedy little backwater town like New Haven? It’s no coke-laced New York City, but he’s got a plethora of options. Get mugged and then universally humiliated by soon-to-retire Yale Security Chief James Perrotti? Check. Shame all the undergraduate theatre majors into realizing that looks do matter? Check. Go streaking? *Girly moan…* I mean, Check. That’s about it. At least he’s not stuck in grey, prison-camp Ithaca. Or wrapped in the folds of Princeton’s popped collars. Or in the all-around fail of Harvard’s party scene. It seems he actually got lucky! In, you know, an academia-sense.

Though realistically, if he’s looking for his biggest fans, he should’ve run to Providence. A holy Brunonian cross would have been erected in his honor…and then smoked.

Justin Timberlake Named Hasty Pudding Man of the Year; Britney Spears Seen Wandering Harvard Yard

Harvard, in the midst of financial meltdown and machete attack, is in a rebuilding year for its sexy–and is relying on JT himself to bring it back.  Hasty Pudding, Harvard’s ancient theatrical society, has named Justin Timberlake the recipient of its “Man of the Year” award.  Calling him “one of pop culture’s most influential entertainers,” The Pudding put Timberlake in a vaunted echelon that includes everyone’s favorite stoner James Franco (last year’s winner) and everyone’s favorite psychiatry denier, Tom Cruise (1994), a rare honor for a performer not known for his acting.

Timberlake’s entertainment career began as in The Mickey Mouse Club with future lover and tear-inducer Britney Spears and took off meteorically as a tween-cardiac-arrest-inducing member of the boy band N’ SYNC.  But perhaps he is best remembered for his three-step process for the best Christmas gift of uniquely boxed genitalia. Not quite James Franco’s performance in Milk, but we’ll take it!

Timberlake, who filmed the epic story of Facebook’s genesis on Harvard’s campus in the upcoming flick The Social Network, will head back to school to receive the award at a roast on February 5th.  Genovian Princess Anne Hathaway, who received the feminine counterpart of the award, will be there too… could Teen People’s Sexiest Man Alive sweep her off her feet?   Not if her Ivy League boyfriend, Brown alum Adam Shulman has his way. After all, an Ivy League education is certainly more attractive than six Grammys (how gauche!) and two Emmys, Hasty Pudding pedigree or not.

Celebrity Son’s “Last Picture Show” Was the In-Flight Showing of “Love Happens”

martha_incCybill Shepherd isn’t just the star of Taxi Driver and a successful internet entrepreneurand Elvis’s ex! — she also raised a Quaker who is maybe a criminal! Penn’s Under the Button, among other sources, reports 22-year-old Cyrus “Zack” Shepherd-Oppenheim, an undeclared crypto-senior [search “Shepherd-Oppenheim” and fall into an abyss of mystery]?, was arrested at Philadelphia International Airport after a flight back to school from San Francisco.

Weirdly, Shepherd-Oppenheim — can we call you Cybill Jr.? — is alleged to have stashed contraband in the plane’s restroom, after he stole various items from sleeping passengers’ carryons. That restroom, according to the scare-quote-y Daily Pennsylvanian included “money, a digital camera, paperwork and ‘travel folders.'” Maybe the folders included Susan Finkelstein’s Phillies spring training agenda? Either way, the passengers who were not asleep noticed Shepherd-Oppenheim’s night moves, because duh, and tipped off the flight crew.

According to the Pennsylvanian, Shepherd-Oppenheim is currently awaiting a court date in Philadelphia; hopefully it won’t affect his new semester, and his eventual declaration of a major. Maybe from now on he can just steal scarves and computers from the library, like normal Ivy League students.

Harvard Just Got Hotter

marie_claire_ashley_judd_1206Adopting foreign babies against their parents’ wishes is so aus. Acquiring advanced degrees is what’s in. So to make up for five years out of the spotlight, Ashley Judd is doing just that. It turns out the starlet hasn’t made a memorable movie since Double Jeopardy a decade ago because she’s been busy saving the world from HIV/AIDS and using her hands as a bra.

To certify that she is capable of doing the former professionally, Ms. Judd just enrolled in Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government for its Mid-Career Master in Public Administration (MC/MPA). Should she actually graduate, Judd will join such notable alumni as Mexican President Felipe Calderon, Singaporean Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong, Mongolian President Tsakhiagiin Elbegdorj, and Bill O’Reilly.

Seeing as most of her recent movies have either been released abroad or are just weird, it’s a perfect time for some retraining at the best university in the country. In your eye of newt, Emma Watson.

Straight From The Witch’s Mouth

emma-watson-1Here’s the important bit from Emma Watson’s interview in Paste Magazine.

Paste: You are off to University in the autumn.

Watson: I am—to Brown, which is an Ivy League establishment in the U.S.A. I’ve got a place there to read literature.

Nailed it! Take that Daily Mail and NY Daily News! We laugh at your claims of her attending Columbia. She’ll attend Columbia when we get tired of writing about her: Never!