CUWOF: It’s Your Sunday Larry Summers Update!

larry-slumbersOn Friday, top presidential economic advisor and Harvard ruiner Larry Summers said that the economy is improving. It’s a bold statement to make in the current climate. But Larry Summers had justification for his brave conclusion, according to the Associated Press:

Back in January, Lawrence Summers said, Google searches for “economic depression” had increased by a factor of four. Today, the searches are back to pre-crisis levels.

Palms, meet faces.

Catching Up With Old Friends: The Spurious Chaste of Lena Chen

lena_chen_catching_upIt’s been a long time since we last checked in on IvyGate’s best frenemy. Let’s see what she’s up to.

SERIOUSLY?! I can’t believe I actually have the swine flu.

That’s odd, I didn’t know swine flu was also tertiary syphilis. Any other afflictions?

I have stigmata, and it itches.

This doesn’t have anything to do with the whole S&M thing, does it? Don’t answer that. So, I heard you took a trip to D.C. recently. What did you think of my hometown?

The metro is clean, open late on the weekends, and extensive. Like particularly pleasant twats.

Yes, I believe that is how Frommer’s described the Metro back in the guide’s wild years. Well, we’re almost out of time here. Care to share any of your views on dating that will not be shocking to anyone anymore?

I simply don’t believe that the logic behind banning first-date sex is … well, logical.

Word. See you in six months.

Catching Up With Old Friends: Mustard Guy Is Still Embarrassing Cornell

w_jacobson_story1Remember wingnut and condiment expert William Jacobson? Back in May, he wrote a post on his blog attacking President Obama for asking for “a spicy…or Dijon mustard” on his hamburger. This Harvard-educated lawyer accused Obama of elitism–because nothing’s more elitist than inquiring about a product produced by Kraft. Jacobson’s post sparked laughter in the entire political blogosphere, causing him to link to all the people laughing at him, resulting in more laughing and more linking until the entire internet imploded. The end.

Oh, and he’s got a faculty job at Cornell.

Since “Colonel Mustard” first earned his nickname, he has continued to write more wacky posts about how Sotomayor is racist, Hillary is disappearedWonkette is Trig’s real mother, and so on. But it is Jacobson’s post from last Friday that really demonstrates the peak insane form he showed in early May. It is titled “If Palin Were President Now” and it is every bit as magical as you would expect.

By speculating what would happen if Alaska’s Point Guard were the current Commander in Chief, Jacobson is operating under the assumption that John McCain won in November and died soon after. Of course John McCain is still alive in real life, meaning Sarah Palin would still be VP and have all the time she wants to shop in Georgetown. I don’t know why Jacobson thinks McCain would have died in the past eight months. Maybe he’s confusing him with Ed McMahon.

Because this is just speculation, Jacobson can write whatever he wants without any sort of proof or justification or logic. He can say that in her first six months as President, Sarah Palin would have fixed the economy, reduced the national deficit, sent Optimus Prime to kill Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and won the Boston Marathon–even if all of it only could have happened in Jacobson’s recurring wet dream. And when people take him to task, he doesn’t have to explain himself. After all, it’s just speculation. Just like when TMZ claims Diana Ross is the father of Michael Jackson’s kids.

William Jacobson, if you are reading this, please realize how much embarrassment you are bringing to the university that employs you. Not because of your political beliefs, but because of your failure at simple reasoning. You say that if Sarah Palin were President now, the country would be in much better shape. That is simply untrue. You failed to realize that Sarah Palin would never be President now, because she would have quit last week.