Cornell Police Topple Giant Snow Penis, Intimidated by Girth?

Students at Cornell took advantage of last week’s blizzard to host the second annual (and massively hyperbolic) “Epic Snowball Fight.” Throngs of students packed into the school’s Arts Quad to do wintry battle and, perhaps, erect a snow penis or two. (Natch.) But what could we realistically expect from the proceedings? Last year’s inaugural rumpus, you may or may not remember, was punctuated by a girl jumping off the library roof and breaking her leg. So clearly the bar was set pretty high.

Thankfully, we can report that this year’s fracas lived up to — nay, exceeded — expectations. Well, not the fight itself, per se, so much as the insane overreaction it engendered from those champions of justice and defenders of the peace, the Cornell University Police Department. Several cop cars filed onto the Arts Quad to break the fight up, even apprehending one student for accidentally lobbing a snowball at their feet. All in a days work, ma’am.

Even those developments, however, are relatively milquetoast. What we really love is the opening paragraph from the Cornell Sun article on the events:

The Cornell University Police Department shut down the second annual “Epic Snowball Fight on the Arts Quad” Wednesday, apprehending a student, confiscating tin shields and knocking over a six-foot snow penis.

We salute you, Jeff Stein, for crafting such an exceptional lede: it draws in the reader by clearly and succinctly articulating the drama of the proceedings, and packs the extra punch of a largely irrelevant reference to big icy snow-balls. There’s nothing else to add here, really, except to suggest this may be our favorite lede in the mostly excruciating history of college journalism.

If you know anything more about the snow penis, send the intel our way. And, if you send photographic evidence of the police grappling with said frost-dong, we would love you forever and ever.

For a visual recap of the fight and the subsequent shakedown, here’s a YouTube video uploaded by a Cornellian at the scene of the crime:

Skip Gates Arrested For Breaking In…To His Own House (UPDATED)

skip_gatesAnd they say Boston is a racist city. Via The Globe:

Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr., one of the nation’s pre-eminent African-American scholars, was arrested Thursday afternoon at his home by Cambridge police investigating a possible break-in. The incident raised concerns among some Harvard faculty that Gates was a victim of racial profiling.

Police arrived at Gates’s Ware Street home near Harvard Square at 12:44 p.m. to question him. Gates, director of the W.E.B. Du Bois Institute for African and African American Research at Harvard, had trouble unlocking his door after it became jammed.

Friends of Gates said he was already in his home when police arrived. He showed his driver’s license and Harvard identification card, but was handcuffed and taken into police custody for several hours last Thursday, they said.

Hey Harvard, ready for more protests?


UPDATE: Charges dropped, but not before some really embarrassing handcuff pics and mugshots made their way to the internet. Embarrassing for the Cambridge Police Department, that is.

Fearless Outlaw Survived Wellesley Only to Get Pinched Robbing Dartmouth

welleseyfinalToday, we belatedly return to the story of Mohammad Usman, the former Dartmouth student who pled guilty two weeks ago to defrauding the College of over $18,000. Usman’s fabrication of aid and grants carries a maximum of fifteen years in jail. (He’ll serve much less, if any).

We bring him up now for two reasons. First, what’s the deal?? Who is this budding con artist? Dish, y’all. Second, a tipster pointed out, well, who he is: no stranger to publicity, Usman spent his sophomore fall as the only boy at Wellesley. A Dartmouth administrator told him his plan to transfer to the all-female institution for a semester was “impossible,” but already Usman was no man to be held back by mere rules.

I believe the word is chutzpah. The Boston Globe wondered, why go snorkeling in estrogen? To live the liberal-arts ideal of “experiencing a wide variety of things.” Well, if you insist, he’ll cop to being “very attracted to intelligent women.” All that, and some MASSIVE foreshadowing: “It’s important to me to get the most of my 50 Gs.”

(Note that when he spoke to the Globe, Usman entered Breastchester single. Interviewed later by Cornell’s Kitsch, his story flipped—a pre-existing “relationship ended while he was still at Wellesley.” Human; all too human.)

The Wellesley coup made Usman a “folk hero” among his friends, and that was before he tried to scam Dartmouth.  You have to be impressed by the pair on this kid, if nothing else. As Nietzsche said, “One is punished most for one’s virtues.” Tell us more about this Icarus of thinking outside all the wrong boxes (well…). You have to hope the bilking wasn’t motivated by the recession, which obviously isn’t real.

Princeton Cops Just Wanna Have Fun

A Princeton cop, perhaps bored with patrolling kids too concerned with their “futures” to make his job necessary, got himself in trouble. The charge:

[H]e provided alcohol to teenagers and played drinking games with them at a party he attended with a 14-year-old boy* in upstate New York in October 2007.

Officer Garrett Brown claims he nursed a drink and bounced. Funny—cops hate when you say that. Better to be honest, especially when there’s “a photograph showing Brown sitting at a table with teens and holding multiple bottles of beer.” (Double fisting!!! You go, sir!) But the real nightstick in Brown’s side is Martha Gates, the host of the party. Presumably by way of saving her own ass—she plead guilty to “unspecified misdemeanor charges”—Gates testified against Brown, even going so far as to claim that he “chewed tobacco with the six teens present at the party.”

Leaving aside how pathetic a party “six teens” is, Gates herself may be the future star of this case. Attempting to discredit her testimony, Brown’s attorney pointed to “her former gang affiliation and her severe anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorders.” You have to admit, she was a party waiting to happen.

*I know, right? The article doesn’t mention him again, so you’ll know when we do.

The cop’s fate and Harvard police behaving (not quite as) badly, after the jump.

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Losing Teeth at the Hockey Frat: Dartmouth’s Police Blotter is Back

05-wateringholeThe D’s peerless police blotter is back for spring in its usual trifoliate glory: animals, townies, and reckless intoxication.

Did you know there are BEARS in Hanover? They ate someone’s bird feeder, presumably jealous of human kindness toward animals that can’t eat us. Inexplicably, the woman “claimed that the bears had just come out of hibernation.” Are you sure? God, she must be an explainer. Worse than man hands, promise.

Elsewhere, a female Dartmouth student lost a tooth at a party “after she fell face first onto the concrete floor.” Not charged with anything because she’s of age, the young woman can only wonder why the irony-obsessed god of mishap chose to punish her: she lost the tooth at Heorot, the hockey frat. Imitation is flattery, boys.

After the jump: pizza, existential confusion, and the full blotter.

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HUPD White: Harvard Campus Police Accused of Racial Profiling

Like the rest of us, I used to sleep easy knowing that while racism pervades American society, it has never been a factor in the affairs of Ivy League universities. But then Harvard had to go ruin it for everyone. Last week, Harvard President Drew Faust announced the establishment of a committee to review allegations of racial profiling leveled against the Harvard University Police Department. The department has been accused of “unfairly stopping African-Americans students, professors and other members of the community.”

According to The Harvard Crimson, this review was formed in response to an incident where university police stopped a young African-American man using tools to remove a lock from a bicycle. After a conversation “laced with obscenities,” the police learned the young man was the owner of the bike and a Boston area high school student working at Harvard for the summer.

Discussing the review, Faust writes:

The review will include consideration of HUPD’s diversity training, community outreach, and recruitment efforts, as well as the ways in which Harvard’s past experience as well as best practices elsewhere can help inform our future practice.

After the jump, we’ll look at some of Harvard’s past experiences.

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