At Best they have Tenure

Even though Obama is no longer holding beer summits for a certain Ivy League professor, the Ivy League is brimming with professors who need to start saying, “Do what I say, and not what I do” in lecture once school convenes.  

This past August:  a Columbia grad is kicked out of Starbucks, a Harvard researcher is guilty of scientific misconduct, and an anniversary of a Cambridge-Harvard murder is upon us. 

 Screwed up academic calenders = professors require the month of August off in order order to get rid of the crazies come fall.

Exhibit A: Lynne Rosenthal an English professor at Mercy College, who claims to have received her PhD from Columbia, is not letting Starbucks grind her into submission with their fascist terms.

According to the Huffington Post, Rosenthal, a woman well into her 60s, was thrown out of a mid-town New York Starbucks for attempting to order a plain bagel.  Apparently, the “Barista” asked the professor, “Do you want butter of  or cheese?” Rosenthal refused to accept the premise of this silly question and thus became combative. After the use of some profanity, the police escorted Rosenthal out of the coffee chain. Apparently, she thought saying a “plain” bagel would do.

According to Rosenthal, Starbucks is the new master of newspeak. The professor told DNAinfo that Starbucks’ terminology is “Orwellian.” As evidence she referenced the terms: tall, grande, and venti.

 One can only hope that Rosenthal was planning this insurrection thirty years ago while watching CUMB avoid the very thing fascists love – marching, and now more recently Starbucks.

However, is Starbucks to blame for Rosenthal’s behavior or simply is she just ornery? According to, Rosenthal is condescending and rude to her students.  In addition, her overall rating is grand 1.2.  Maybe now her students can join with Starbucks to create an AstroTurf movement to overthrow this “worst teacher ever.”

Another whammy this August is news that Harvard “star” researcher Mark Hauser might have fabricated some data in a 2002 paper. 

 Dr. Hauser is a prominent expert in the comparison between animal and human mental processes. According to the New York Times, Dr. Hauser has been found guilty of eight counts of scientific misconduct.  Most of Hauser’s erroneous details were published in the scientific journal Cognition. According to the editor of Cognition, Hauser’s main error was fabricating the control condition of his experiment. Dr. Hauser in public statements has stated that he is “deeply sorry,” but has not admitted to any scientific misconduct.

Tsk, tsk, tsk… to all those 12 year-old kids out there who are fudging details and randomly creating data for their school’s science fair: be proud, an Ivy League professor holds himself to the same standards as you!

If you think these two examples are bad, just be lucky you did not go to Harvard in the mid-19th century. 

We all know that Harvard is no stranger to murder, but apparently Cambridge and Harvard were center-stage to the “O.J” trial of the 19th century.

 According to PBS, one hundred and sixty years ago to this day, Harvard chemistry professor Dr. John Webster was executed for the murder of Dr. George Parkman, an offshoot of a wealthy Boston family. What was the reason for MURDER? –  A state of being familiar to many of us in the 21st century – debt.  Apparently, Webster and his wife liked to hob-nob with the Cambridge elite and were using loaned money to live outside their means. One of the people Webster was indebted to was Parkman.  On the day of his death, Parkman confronted Webster after many days of hounding the professor for repayment. 

 I guess this negotiation did not end amicably. 

After Cambridge searched for about a week for Parkman’s missing body, a janitor discovered dismembered limbs of Parkman hidden in Webster’s laboratory at the Medical College. 

Keep this in mind the next time your Chem lab smells funky…

The next time your professor snarls at you for dozing off during class or smacking too loudly on your contraband food, just simply ask them… what were you doing last summer?