Harvard Shooting Coincides with Late Night Security Cuts

An unidentified “college-aged” male was shot at Harvard’s Kirkland House, an undergraduate residential college, around 5PM today, reports the Harvard Crimson. The victim was conscious but bleeding at the time of the Crimson‘s report, and students were notified by email later that night.

This was students’ second safety-related email of the day, because 5 minutes before the shooting, Dean Evelynn Hammonds sent an email announcing cuts to nighttime shuttle service (a security measure for soothing the nerves of students who don’t like to walk around in the dark) as part of “cost-cutting measures.”

Both emails after the jump.

UPDATE 1: According to Harvard’s Emergency Communication page, normal activity at Eliot-Kirkland has resumed.

UPDATE 2: The identity and circumstances of the shooting are now known. Allegedly, the deceased was a drug dealer.

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The Great Ivy League Snob Off, Part II:
Keith Olbermann Is Also Embarrassing.

picture-5Ann Coulter’s spat with Keith Olbermann over Cornell bragging rights began the way all great battles of the mind do — Does this Rush Limbaugh make the GOP look fat? — and ends the way our comment boards do, a degenerative slinging of acceptance rates and SAT scores eventually boiling down to one guy pointing at his diploma and screaming about how smart he is.

Welcome back to the Great Ivy League Snob Off. Let’s meet the contestants:

In the first corner: Cornell grad and MSNBC gravitas junkie Keith Olbermann, who says conserva-pundit Rush Limbaugh is a know-nothing plebe who couldn’t tell the Constitution from his left foot. He’s so dumb, he flunked ballroom dance! (True story. Check his Wikipedia.)

In the second corner: Cornell grad and journeyman blowhard Ann Coulter, who jumps to Limbaugh’s defense with an astonishingly baffling 900-word diatribe about how Olbermann is not the “scary smart” messiah his fans think he is, but an Ivy League fraud:

Keith didn’t go to the Ivy League Cornell; he went to the Old MacDonald Cornell. … Keith went to an affiliated state college at Cornell, the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences (average SAT: about that of pulling guards at the University of South Carolina; acceptance rate: 1 of every 1 applicants).

Touché, Coulter. You hit us East Coast intelligentsia right where it hurts– the threat of farm dirt, and athletes! This is even worse than the time we realized Obama went to some weensy school in LA* before transferring to Columbia. Her opponent reeling, the skeletor in the right wing’s closet delivers a bony little knock-out punch:

Olbermann’s incessant lying about having an “Ivy League education” when he went to the non-Ivy League ag school at Cornell would be like a graduate of the Yale locksmithing school boasting about being a “Yale man.”

A metaphor involving blue collar labor? Low blow.

But wait! Olbermann’s still got some fight in him. After the jump: The response that may require us to banish Keither Olbermann from the Ivy League forever.
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Passing the Lit Stick of Dynamite

42-15563230As many have noticed, IvyGate is long overdue for regime change. (To the group of enraged Princetonians who launched an organized attack on my Facebook page: Touche.) You’d be surprised how hard it is to get someone to take over your crazy little lawsuit-magnet of a blog! Luckily, one brave and valiant soul is stepping up to the task, effective immediately. Readers, meet Adam Clark Estes, a spring semester post-thesis senior (read: Lots of time for blogging!) at Harvard (read: Insufferable in all the right ways.) He will be your new benevolent dictator, and some of the old staff will stick around, too. I’m off to the greener pastures of gainful employment but will probably lurk around in emeritus status ad infinitum, because otherwise, who would you complain about?

Interested in joining our storied ranks? Think you could do better? Got a red-hot, burns-when-you-pee tip? Drop us a line and you, too, can be part of the IvyGate 3.0 revival. Don’t worry, we won’t actually blow you up.

Adventures in Downward Mobility: Poor Rich Kids Is the Tragicomedy on the Other Side of Graduation

rich_poorThe markets are dropping, the sky is falling, Bobby Jindal is about to take over America. The King of Antigua just raided your trust fund and Lehman is still the best job on Wall Street and it already went under. Welcome to the Brave New World of Ivy League Poverty, in which the value of silver-spoons is falling fast.  Anon, the dawn of a disgusting, moldy-mustard-hued morn in which we are no longer able to sell our diplomas to the highest Wall Street bidder, or fetch lattes for some Fortune-500 sack of cash who pays you with the gold coins he sweats at night. We’re liberal and OMGbama enough to know things could be a lot worse, but somewhere along the way, “but for the grace of God goes I” turned into “at least I’m not that pathetic guy” and “At least I’ll always have Harvard. I could’ve been somebody, once!” — and therein lies the genius of new blog Poor Rich Kids (helmed by an enterprising pair of lazy-ass HYP grads) which offers marching orders to the overeducated and underemployed:

Even if you’ve been cut off, so to speak (and every poor rich kid will insist that he/she is entirely financially independent), your parents want to know that if someone holds you at gunpoint and the $6.32 in your wallet just isn’t enough, the thief / poor-poor-person will be able to take their credit card. This way the poor-poor-person will feel satisfied and won’t kill you. So your parents give you their credit/ATM card, just in case. There is, however, another acceptable use for your parents’ credit card: buying items from the pharmacy. Use their credit card to buy a carton of cigarettes.

But then I read entries about how the jobs of choice for the poor-rich are “blogger,” “freelance writer,” and “thinking about grad school,” and, like, close to home.

Go Ask Aliza: Shvarts-Embryo-Art Describes Her First

picture-5Good news! Aliza Shvarts—the Yalie who staged a hostile takeover of the 24-hour news cycle last spring with nothing but a turkey baster, a jar of vaseline, and her fertile loins—is back, in the most ironic role possible: Educating little girls on reproductive health.

That’s right, Yale’s most notorious artist is a featured contributor in My Little Red Book, an anthology of first period stories edited by fellow Eli Rachel Kauder Nalebuff. Blurbed by Gloria Steinem, My Little Red Book is a strangely high-profile affair featuring the likes of Erica Jong and Gossip Girl originator Cecily von Ziegesar. Luckily, even the heftiest of literary minds is rendered totally preposterous in the face of adolescent menstruation and associated awkwardness, so this will be a fun post, after all. For a frighteningly weird peek into reproductive lives of Shvarts-Period-Art, Jong, and von Ziegesar (featuring phrases like “blood and poop and pee” and “clean white crotch of another girl”) read on!

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Ragtime February 2, 2009: Lingerie Bowl, We Hardly Knew Ya

How To Get Into An Ivy League School: A Step-by-Step Guide Featuring Testimony From a Real, Live Silver-Spoon Legacy and a Racial Minority!

42-17432509IvyGate’s Guide to Admissions: Part II

Getting into an Ivy League school can be likened to winning the lottery: Pencil in a bunch of scantron bubbles, cross your fingers, pray to be struck by lightning. But instead of winning millions, you’re rolling the dice for the opportunity to impoverish your parents. (Or ruin your credit rating, or both!) Nevertheless, aspiring Ivy is a time-honored American pursuit, and no matter how improbable, impractical, and ultimately unpleasant the prize may be, thousands attempt it every year. Mostly, we do it for the free t-shirts.

What follows is IvyGate’s foolproof, guaranteed, 100%-success-or-your-money-back step-by-step guide to swindling your way into the school of your dreams.* Be warned: It isn’t always pretty, and a few of these steps (#3, section ii, second option) might make you go to hell.

1. Have perfect SAT scores, an off-the-chart GPA, amazing extracurriculars, leadership positions in everything, and the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Duh. This one is a given, a prereq, if you will. Even the richest kid in the world won’t get in if he’s apt to flunk (or, more likely, drop) out.

2. Be from an insanely wealthy and/or well-connected family, preferably one with an Ivy League legacy. Apply early. While legacy admission standards aren’t as hilariously low as they used to be, a study by Princeton SOC professors Espenshade and Chung equates legacy status with a 160-point SAT boost (on a 1600-point scale) to the privileged few who definitely need it least. But that’s not what we’re talking about here. To guarantee admission, you need to be the child of a major donor, the kind who write seven-digit checks to their alma mater and have buildings named after them. One such Ivy Leaguer, the grandson of a prominent university trustee, told us about his admissions process, starting with an unconventional and star-studded campus tour:

my grandad flew to meet my dad & i [at the university], and i just figured that it was going to be a regular day of tours & walking around. however, when we got there we were met by a super friendly admissions guy. he took us on the regular tour, but then we ditched it because he said “it’s completely useless” (ironic, considering how much energy & money the university pumps into those tours) he took me around campus, and then brought me to meet a representative from the most popular department at the school, which i claimed to be interested in it. (later, i realized that he was one of the senior professors and chair of the undergraduate program) then they shuttled me over to the president’s office. i didn’t really GET that it was the president until they told me after we met. the meeting was brief, but looking back, it was quite an unbelievable opportunity. after lunch, we wandered around campus with another admissions rep, who told me all about undergraduate life.

After the jump: Anonymous Silver-Spooner (ASS) (Don’t be mad, ASS! We tease because we love/hate) continues his story and we offer five more tips for getting in. Read the rest of this entry »

True Love Revolution Founders Free to Procreate at Will

picture-13After years of discussing their relationship on campus and nationally, Sarah Kinsella and Justin Murray—founders of Harvard chastity club True Love Revolution—have finally gotten hitched! Now they are free to delight in various long-awaited earthly pleasures, like filing joint tax returns and sharing a mortgage.

Kinsella and Murray married shortly after Christmas, say sources, with a wedding registry that included donations to a Catholic charity and some fancy plates at Macy’s. They haven’t responded to our requests for comment (honeymoon?) but we’ve got a few more pictures after the jump, including one of Murray popping the question, dressed as a Medieval knight and down on one knee in the library. That’s right, True Love Revolution has literally reawakened the chivalric code.

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Lena Chen’s Christmas Card Signals Coming Apocalypse
Or Holiday Miracle, Depending

what would jesus do with an on-camera facial?Six months ago, Sex and the Ivy‘s Lena Chen and significant other Patrick Hamm (H’GS, Y’04) were embroiled in a scintillating S&M scandal. Now they’re just another monogamous yuppie couple photoshopping pictures of their dog into Christmas cards.

Kind of sweet, isn’t it? Soon they’ll be living in a big beige house in the suburbs with a parcel of precociously intelligent children who attend Waldorf schools and spend weekends figure skating in the ice rinks of Hell. Seriously, whodathunk Lena Chen would settle down before graduation? Note that the above slutty Santa ensemble is not the same one Lena wore last year.

from: Maureen
to: Lena Chen
subject: Re: Happy Holidays!

How many slutty Santa outfit do you own??

from: Lena Chen
to: Maureen
subject: Re: Re: Happy Holidays!


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Cry-Bankers, Yale Bashing, and a Naked Guy, Oh My!
Fall ’08 in Retrospect

grinchHere’s wishing happy holidays and long winter breaks to our readers, especially to those poor souls who attend Harvard and Princeton, where fall semester final exams occur after winter vacation. Nassau and Massachusetts Halls: Thou art a Grinch.

We’ll be back on January 5. Until then, how about some premature nostalgia and self-reference? This year saw our redesign and tech upgrade at the hands of nimble-fingered Tech God Zach Ozer, to whom we are constantly indebted. Also, the addition of several new writers and editors, all of whom are obscenely talented and frighteningly dedicated to this wretched little blog. They created the following Top 10 Fall ’08 stories, listed here by pageview:

The rest of the top 10 + assorted tidbits, time-wasters, and arbitrary “Best Of” designations: Read the rest of this entry »