UPDATE: We Found Another Anonymous Message About Jonathan Dach

After yesterday‘s post on the most damning piece of verse this decade, Christina (last name withheld for privacy), the former Rumpus editor Jonathan Dach was originally in contact with, forwarded me an anonymous message from April of last year:


———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Veritas <redacted>
Date: Monday, April 22, 2013
Subject: From Website Contact Form: Jonny dach book and snake
To: editors@yalerumpus.com

From: Veritas <redacted>
Subject: Jonny dach book and snake

Message Body:
Read carefully…jonny dach was the White House staffer who had a prostitute in his room during the “secret service ” scandal last year.  He told me this himself…my friend even called the Hilton in Cartagena and confirmed he was checked in there.   His daddy Leslie dach, google him, has massive influence and had WH cover it up in return for favors.   Jonny bragged about this to me!

This mail is sent via contact form on Rumpus //www.yalerumpus.com


She never forwarded it to me last year and considering most of the messages that come in through that contact form are Russian spam or marketing bots, I didn‘t see or notice it during the transition period at the end of that spring semester. Christina herself had forgotten about it until she went searching for her original email exchange with Dach and found this instead. 

Leslie Dach, Jonny Dach’s father, does indeed have massive influence“–he is the former Executive Vice President of Corporate Affairs & Government Relations for Wal-Mart (oy), prominent Democratic donor, and a current senior counselor for the Department of Health and Human Services. 

I emailed the Gmail account attached to Veritas but received a domain error (again, if you are the author of this message, please email tips@ivygateblog.com). The date of this message is about two weeks before the other comments timestamp–perhaps Dach got a little too drunk during an end-of-the-year Yale Law School celebration and bragged” about it to our now-famous poet?

Somebody Tipped Me Off About Jonathan Dach a Year Ago With this Weird-Ass Poem

The Washington Post has just published a lengthy report regarding allegations that the White House covered up a volunteer’s role in the 2010 Colombia prostitution scandal. The Post has identified that volunteer as Jonathan Dach, a recent graduate of Yale Law School and Yale College. Dach allegedly brought a prostitute back to his room in Cartagena, and though the White House denied that any of their team members were involved in the scandal two years ago, hotel records examined by the Post reveal that Dach did sign in a female overnight guest (prostitution is legal in certain parts of Colombia‪; the hotel requires ID to make sure they are not underage).

This came as no surprise to me because this entire story had been told in an anonymous comment on a Yale Rumpus article over a year ago. Full disclosure: I have been on the Rumpus staff since my freshman year and served as its Editor-in-Chief during the 2013-2014 school year. During the transitionary period at the end of the Spring 2013 semester, I was fucking around on the website’s WordPress account, looking through old posts and comments, and discovered the following.

Posted by “Sarah“ from a Hushmail account on May 5th, 2013 on the 2012 Secret Society Issue, the annual roster release of Yale’s secret societies:


Found 100 copies of this poem at a printnow…Who/what is this?



Little Jonny Dach
With his little Jonny cock
Has a secret he wants no one to know…


He once took a trip
Attached to Obama’s hip
Off to Colombia he did go…


The plane barely touched down
when out on the town
Little Jonny decided to play…
A young Colombian girlie
Had his tongue wagging thoroughly
He dug into his pocket and paid…


Off to the room
With no sign of doom
Little Jonny, well, he lasted seconds…
With a giggle she left,
And he, feeling bereft,
Washed his crotch since his day it still beckoned..


Then a media bomb
And it didn’t take long
for the White House to turn out a tale…
“An error!” they claimed
“A number glitch!” they did blame
There is no one but agents to assail!


Once again Daddy’s power
Saved little Jonny in a dark hour
But the Service will soon grab your ear…


You see, Skull and Bones, Book and ‘Snakes’,
You children play at the game of intell.
There is a lesson you will learn
When true heroes are burned
Their enemies are marched into hell…


So listen up Yale and Harvard and such
Your shit it doth stinketh the same
When the day is long over
And Daddy Leslie is covered in clover
They will wish they never played this game.


I promptly googled Dach and, at the time, the only other relevant mention of him online was this New Yorker article about volunteer drivers for the presidential motorcade. I thought about placing a call to the Hilton Cartagena Hotel, realized that I didn’t know how to place an international call that wouldn’t result in massive overcharge on my phone bill, and promptly forgot about it in the rush of finals.

I hadn’t thought about it until January of this year, when Dach reached out to Rumpus to ask that the comment be removed. He had been forwarded to me by the prior Editor-in-Chief (Christina, in this thread). An excerpt of the email exchange is below:


Subject: Rumpus post
Andrea Villena <andrea.villena@yale.edu> Fri, Jan 17, 2014 at 4:02 PM
To: Jonathan Dach <redacted>

Christina forwarded your message to me. I haven’t received any emails from you in my inbox or spam folder (did you spell my name correctly?) but I’ve gone ahead and blocked the comment from the site. I don’t enjoy removing things from the Rumpus website and I’m not sure why Master Laurans contacted you so recently considering that comment has been up for probably months. I’m rather busy at the moment so I’ve just gone ahead and resolved your complaint.



Jonathan Dach <redacted> Fri, Jan 17, 2014 at 5:13 PM
To: Andrea Villena <andrea.villena@yale.edu>

Andrea, thanks very much for removing the two identical comments–and sorry to have had to ask. I was editor of The New Journal and would have been similarly unenthusiastic about taking something off out [sic] website. I hope it was okay in this instance since it was a user’s comment and unrelated to any Rumpus content. And I really do appreciate it.

Not sure how the two e-mails went awry but also grateful you deleted the posts so quickly once Christina put us in touch.

Hope the semester is off to a good start!



It should be noted that in his original message to the prior EIC, he never denounces the poem as false—he calls it “strange and vituperative,“ but not false. I did feel bad for him, as the comment showed up as the second search result on “Jonny Dach.“ But I didn’t delete entirely‪; I hid it from view and the comment remained on the back end of the website, as part of the WordPress comment tracker.

The poem isn’t particularly impressive in its rhyme scheme but it does get eerie around the seventh stanza (I checked the Rumpus archives, and the 2008 society issue lists Dach as a member of Book and Snake). It’s a weird call to arms against privileged assholes, perhaps written by a surly Secret Service agent who’s mad this kid got away with it (if you are the author or know who it is, please email tips@ivygateblog.com). It’s unclear whom those 100 copies were meant for or where they ended up but perhaps this post will give that author the recognition they were so desperately craving. Ultimately, I believe the blame lies with the White House for covering it up, not Dach—go ahead and hire a prostitute if it’s legal. It’s dumb but, as a non-essential team member, not the biggest threat to national security.

Dach now works as a full-time policy adviser in the Office on Global Women’s Issues for the U.S. State Department.

Cornell Names Its First Female President

courtesy of the University of Southern California

Elizabeth Garrett, currently the provost for the University of Southern California, has been approved by the Board of Trustees to become the next president of Cornell University, following a six-month search by the Presidential Search Committee. Current President David J. Skorton is leaving the post to become the next secretary of the Smithsonian Institution.


“I am honored to have been selected as the next leader of this remarkable institution,” Garrett said in a statement released by the University. “Cornell is one of the world’s truly great universities, with a stellar commitment to excellence in teaching, research, scholarship and creative activity, linked with a deep commitment to public engagement. I am excited to join the Cornell community and to work with the faculty, staff, students and alumni to chart the next chapter in its illustrious history.”


Garretts appointment comes at a turning point in the Cornells history as the university nears its 150th anniversary and the planned construction of the very futuristic-looking 2.1 million tech campus on Roosevelt Island, set to open in 2017.


Garretts term will officially begin July 1, 2015.

James Franco Returns to Yale


Proving that graduate school has more value as performance art than career advancement, part-time actor James Franco is back at Yale to continue his Ph.D studies in English Literature. According to his favorite publication, the Rhodes Scholar has been dropping by various sections of Major English Poets, a lovingly hated, required undergraduate course for English majors. A nine-time Oscar nominee, Franco has been known to draw on the works of Chaucer and Spenser as inspiration for such engrossing roles as James Franco in This Is the End and James Franco in Creepy Instagram Nudes.


We are breathlessly awaiting to see the Presenting: the Democratic Nominee for Presidential Candidate 2016, James Franco! ’s live-action sci-fi adaptation of The Faerie Queene.


(Ed. Note: If you have blurry pictures of Marina-Abramovic’s stunt double, James Franco, walking around New Haven, send them to tips@ivygateblog.com)


Why is a 2010 article about the DKE pledge chants on the top stories on the Yale Daily News website?

Take a trip down memory lane to four years ago, when men were real, the brotherhood was real, and fraternities at Yale were raw:

In October 2010, Delta Kappa Epsilon pledges stood on Old Campus, shouted obscenities about co-eds and took the meaning of consent for a spin. For some unknown reason, the Yale Daily News report on this event has reappeared on the front page of its website–it appeared first under the Most Popular heading yesterday (it’s still there today, trailing after some articles from the Opinion section).

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Why Was Katy Perry at the Harvard Lampoon?

Human cupcake Katy Perry hung out at the Harvard Lampoon castle on Saturday night:

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Yale Students Are Their Own Helicopter Parents

We’re about a month away from the official move-in date for the Yale College Class of 2018 and many of them are sitting at home pondering deep questions like “how big will my room be?” and “will I make friends?” Entering college is apparently the most terrifying experiencing one can go through—and Yale’s official guide for incoming students is no longer enough. Yale18 has all the answers you never needed and should not be looking for under any circumstances. Created by two members of the Class of 2017 and one from 2018 (what are you doing you haven’t even arrived on campus yet), Yale18 is basically a compilation of past “guides to freshman year,” an absurd Google Doc template to figure out where each one of your roommates is traveling from, and some links to free shit.

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What’s the craziest thing you’ve done to get into college?

The New York Post and the New York Times have recently regaled us with delightful anecdotes about what Ivy League rejects and non-rejects did to gain admission into the school(s) of their dreams. College consultants are nothing new but the industry has reached such a level of absurdity that it seems like satire.

See Jill Tipograph, who runs “Everything Summer,” a combination travel agency/college consulting firm that helps parents figure out which Third World Country should host their offspring for a few weeks a personalized summer itinerary for pre-college teens who need application essay material–for $300/hour. We wonder what Tipograph would have to say about the Yale applicant mentioned in the Times article, who forewent exotic travels in favor of a more… domestic experience:

“[Her essay] mentioned a French teacher she greatly admired. She described their one-on-one conversation at the end of a school day. And then, this detail: During their talk, when an urge to go to the bathroom could no longer be denied, she decided not to interrupt the teacher or exit the room. She simply urinated on herself.”

Would Everything Summer encourage this sort of behavior? What if you urinate on yourself and, AT THE SAME TIME, you’re climbing the Great Wall of China? God, we miss the days when you could just donate a blank check and be done with it (but, you know, the One Percent just isn’t what it used to be).

Essay ideas after the jump

“Enough is enough”: Dartmouth reformulates approach to campus life

Dartmouth has always been the problem child of the Ivy League, but President Hanlon’s summit last week on the “extreme behavior” plaguing the university is an unexpectedly candid admittance of the many toxic and harmful practices that characterize parts of student life on the Dartmouth campus. The school is notorious for its Greek life antics and threats of sexual violence on campus—the acquittal of Parker Gilbert, formerly D’16, now a former Dartmouth student, accused of raping a fellow classmate, has been the subject of nationwide media attention.

Hanlon’s summit (and accompanying op-ed in the Boston Globe) comes on the heels of an announcement about proposed changes to the College’s sexual assault policy. Read the rest of this entry »

Tiger Inn officers resign after 21 Club vomits all over their house

Another Ivy League secret society came under fire for holding a high-risk party–this time over at Princeton, where all but two officers of the eating club Tiger Inn resigned after fallout for hosting a 21 Club party last Sunday. The 21 Club is a semi-secret society (what does that even mean anymore?) whose membership is made up of some of the biggest drunkards on campus. According to the Daily Princetonian, “During initiations, members reportedly have to drink 21 beers in 42 minutes, and the goal is to be the last one to throw up.”

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