Calling all female Cornell grad students: are you still looking for a date to tomorrow night’s Graduate Ball? Don’t you worry — if you act quickly, you can score a date with the hottest man in town. Ivan Martynenko is a grad student in Structural Mechanics and Materials, and, in a class-wide email sent to the Cornell graduate listerv, has created his own version of The Bachelor, minus the hot tubs.
Rather than forgo this year’s Ball, or, y’know, ask somebody in person/via text/via a single-recipient email, he’s inviting all Cornell grad ladies (sorry, gents) to submit an application to be his date. (Here’s hoping they don’t hit reply-all). Ivan says it best himself: “If you are smart, attractive, talented — this is your chance.” Who could resist?
Let us tempt you further: this lovelorn romantic describes himself as a “jiu-jitsu champion from Kazakhstan.” He’s also “known for redesigning the Rolex Tower in Dubai and doing preliminary design for Metro Muni Turnaround in San Francisco, CA.” We assume that he also likes long walks on the beach and guilty-pleasure SVU marathons.
But not so fast: Ivan gently reminds the would-be contestants that they’ll be competing against “Shakira, Jessica Alba, Deepika Padukone, and Priyanka Chopra,” who all apparently received their invitations in the mail today. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, ladies.
The application is conveniently attached to the email as a PDF: questions include requests for Social Security numbers, high-res pictures, and prompts such as “please write a short essay on how you could surprise the Champ (500 words maximum).” The Champ, naturally, being Ivan himself. Any application questions can be directed to the Selection Committee located in Hollister 410. We’ve reproduced the full application below if you just can’t wait to get started.
Applications are due today at noon, so roll on out of bed and take those selfies ASAP. The lucky winner will be notified at midnight – unless, of course, Ivan decides to go with Shakira instead. Good luck, girls!!!
GRAD BALL WITH THE CHAMP APPLICATION
NOTE: Thank you for finding time to fill out the application for the ‘GRAD BALL WITH THE CHAMP’. Please submit this application by Friday, April 25th, 12:00 pm email@example.com.
Shall you have any questions, please address them to Hollister 410 (Selection Committee – Chairman Samantha Ann Bryant). You will be notified upon the Committee’s decision by Friday, April 25th, midnight. If it happens that you are not selected – please do not get discouraged. You will have another chance later. Good luck!!!
- 1. Please provide your full name, DOB, and Social Security Number.
- 2. Please attach 3 pictures (high resolution) to your application.
- 3. Please indicate your graduate and undergraduate GPAs.
- 4. Please write a short essay on your goals in life (500 words maximum).
- 5. Please indicate if you possess any talents. For example, play violin, do Latin dancing, sing, write poetry, etc.
- 6. Please indicate if you have any bad habits: smoking, drinking, drugs, etc. NOTE: Failure to provide an honest and clear answer will result in you disqualification from the contest.
- 7. Please write a short essay on how you could surprise the Champ (500 words maximum).