Presumably because all current students are too busy being severely depressed or dealing with soul-crushing workloads to think of column ideas, the Columbia Spectator recently published a guest article by self-proclaimed “Ivy League Dropout” Hannah Shaper, formerly CC ’15. In her rambling, I-might-be-high manifesto—titled “The sun rises without Columbia”—she tells everyone why Columbia sucks and she dropped out and they should too. We think!
Yes, there are communities within that enterprise like Sorority Sisters and the Chinese Dragon Dancing People and the Butler Chain Smoker Union, but Columbia is you. You aren’t Columbia. Dig? You are the only thing that makes Columbia anything remotely substantial. It’s not Mother Theresa’s house of the sick and dying, it’s a corporation. If it’s not making you happy, you’re not a terrible person.
Society can go fornicate itself for stamping your forehead with the seal of approval if and only if you follow its path. For better or for worse, this mysterious nonentity that we call Columbia University caters to societal approval.
As best as we can tell, Shaper picked up a bunch of scraps of paper from the remnants of the OWS camp and pasted them together to make an article. It’s kind of impossible to follow her argument, but at least this explanation would account for the large number of contradictions. Like how she lavishes praise on her fellow students for being awesome and totally special and making her Columbia experience totally worth it — “But in all seriousness, the moments that augmented my experience with hope and beauty came from you” — but also tells them that Columbia is not a society and if they dropped out and disappeared off the face of the planet no one would care less:
If you feel like Columbia doesn’t care about you, that it would be no different if you left, you are right. Anyone who thinks otherwise, please send me a sample of what you are smoking.
Or, how she rants against society and institutions and the man/cactus, but assumes it’s totally cool for everyone to skip out of school and forget about that $100,000 they dropped in tuition. An oversight which quickly got called out by the commenters:
Really? Your [sic] allowed to drop out because your economic situation allows you to, but not everybody gets that luxury. Many people have to stay and fight the good fight because their standard of living in the future depends on it. They don’t have time to go and work minimum jobs for the ‘experience’ as you have stated in your blog, but work them because their life depends on it.
That’s actually a pretty legit comment, but apparently Shaper isn’t so laid back when it comes to people questioning her ideas instead of the man’s. She hit back with her own comment, in which she told people who have “suspicions” to contact her on Facebook to have a “civilized, non-anonymous, non-cowardly troll conversation” and to “step up to the plate and state your views with some fucking authority.” Yeah, we don’t really know what some of that means either.
The real question, though, is why Shaper is ranting against diplomas and admissions officers and every “customized Vineyard Vines Columbia lion-print tie,” and society itself for encouraging and validating the Ivy League brand, and then turning around and capitalizing on the Ivy League name. Her blog, which consists of semi-incomprehensible video entries of her in a Communist tee talking about playing guitar and working minimum wage jobs and how Republicans don’t get laid and then pretending to take various drugs, is called Tales of an Ivy League Dropout.