Fox News Talks Sex, Ivy League Style; Students Everywhere Cringe in Horror

Fox News, you never get old.

At least, not here at Columbia, you don’t.

You’ve criticized everything from our dangerous liberalism to our purported “heckling” of a student-veteran during ROTC hearings (which you reported on twice and switched around the wording the second time to…keep us on our toes?). You never fail to amaze us with your insight, and we’re so glad you like us as much as we like you. And we’re especially glad that you finally decided to get down and dirty with us, because it’s been a while since that little S&M story.

And by that we mean, it’s really flattering that you think we’re cool enough to be having sex.

It all began with this video, and this video for some reason or another began with a discussion of out-of-state voting for college students. Next came the transition into you-know-what, which was as appropriately awkward as the thought of intercourse between two Columbia students: “Besides voting,” said the anchor, “something else college students do on campus: They hook up.”

After defining “hook up” as “sex with very few commitments,” the second anchor referred her audience to the scandalous(ly depressing) article in the Columbia Spectator’s weekly magazine on the school’s virtually nonexistent dating scene. Expressing her shock at the pervasiveness of the school’s “hook up culture,” the anchor—like the newspaper nerds—erroneously implies that rampant, unattached sexual activity occurs in Morningside. It’s not that Columbians are too busy to date and consequently hook up randomly. We have a lot of free time, and some of us have retained emotional depth even after the drugs and incest. We’re just kind of awkward.

At least, though, we give off the imageof being a group of urban Don Juans. You, Fox News, think Princeton is even lamer than we are, and you praise them as a parent might celebrate the virtue of his wholesome offspring. You were quick to note that a group of students at Princeton has created the Love and Fidelity Network, whose mission is

To EDUCATE, TRAIN, AND EQUIP college students with the ARGUMENTS, RESOURCES, AND DIRECTION they need to uphold the institution of marriage, the unique role of the family, and sexual integrity on their campuses.

You hear that, Columbians? Just across the river in the heart of small town America, love is alive! Created by the “intellectual elites”—aka the Tigers who are definitely not having sex—the Love and Fidelity Network aims to preserve traditional family values.

No really, though, we think that’s great. We love love! And we love Fox News, and we wish they were as DTF as they think we Columbians are, because they might not be so angry at us all the time if they just…you know.

Just sayin’.

Anyway, at the end of the video, the anchors did get a fresh (male) perspective on the general “college hook up culture.”

“If you’re not going to have casual sex in college,” he mused, “when will you? One of the regrets of my college career is that I didn’t have as much as these people”—these people! Get it, CU!—“seem to be having.”

On another note, Bwog reports that Fox News was stalking Columbia today to chat about ROTC. Rumor has it is for a segment for O’ Rielly tonight. We can only wonder if it looks anything like this sad ambush.

4 Responses to “Fox News Talks Sex, Ivy League Style; Students Everywhere Cringe in Horror”

  1. mellonome Says:

    Well, clearly the Love and Fidelity Network is successful. After all, it now has offshoots into thirteen or fourteen other Ivy League schools. You know, Yale, Harvard, that sort of place.

  2. anon Says:

    laughed so hard at “thirteen or fourteen other Ivy League schools”

  3. jindabind Says:

    First of all, Columbia can go fuck itself. Seriously this whole article was writtten by somebody who goes to Columbia and clearly has a bias towards any other school that has more fun than you; you stuck up mother fuckers. Enjoy sitting there complaining about this article when in reality you wish you were a part of it. Fuck Columbia. I remember when i was irrelevant…..

  4. Love and Fidelity Says:


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