Emma Watson Has a Cruel, Cruel Life

Who cares about blockbuster Harry Potter flicks and the cover of British Vogue? All Emma Watson wants is to be a normal Brown student — so much so, in fact, that she’ll burst into epic Hollywood tears if you ask her for an autograph.

This isn’t the first time she’s alerted the media about her urgent, newsworthy quest to live like the rest of us. Someone should really tell Emma that being “normal” at a place like Brown is a bit like being the Mr. Goodbar in a bag of Hershey’s Minis. Sure, you kind of fit in, but nobody really likes you that much.

But more importantly, we feel for this lost soul, awash in misery and Burberry, so desperate to lead that magical life where you have to hold your own umbrella and wash your beer-stained pants with Woolite in a dingy dorm bathroom. So in the spirit of helping Emma Watson lead a normal life, we’d like to send out a special message to her:

Dear Emma Watson,

First of all, your pleas for a typical teenage wasteland will fall on deaf ears when you invite 100 people to your birthday party and forbid them from posting anything on Facebook. As though Facebook weren’t the second-most-important lifeblood of the normal college student (PBR is #1).

If you keep this up, the only people who will want to hang out with you are:

(A) Artsy weirdos who’d prefer to draw their subjects using Cray-Pas made out of repurposed organic coffee grounds. (Actually, you’ll probably find plenty of these at Brown);

(B) Equally camera-shy upper-crusties who look offensively good in skinny jeans but have never seen or read Harry Potter or Elle Girl, and therefore will have little to say to you;

(C) James Miller, the dean of admissions at Brown; and

(D) a cinderblock, because it doesn’t give two shits about being on Facebook either.

(On the flipside, if your dorm’s really normal, you could always use your new friend Cindy Block to prop up your three-legged cot, or hide that hole in the wall where you once saw a mouse.)

Another bit of advice: if you want to be a normal college student, stop dating Spanish rock stars and wearing your hair like Mia Farrow from Rosemary’s Baby. Looking clean and well-rested doesn’t help your case either.

Finally, it seems safe to say that normal students don’t typically pose like matronly angels on the cover of British Vogue and then gab to the interviewers about how badly they just want to be like regular folks. Whining to a world-renowned publication about how much you want to be normal only makes you abnormal.

Meanwhile, whining to a snarky blog about how annoying Ivy League people are could potentially make you awesome. (Hey Emma, maybe you should write for us!)

Seriously. We only want what’s best for you.

Your Biggest Fans,
The IvyGate Team

21 Responses to “Emma Watson Has a Cruel, Cruel Life”

  1. poo Says:

    Whoa, a lol-worthy post on IvyGate? Keep it up!

  2. poo Says:

    Whoa, a lol-worthy post on IvyGate? Keep it up!

  3. Brown '13 too Says:

    It makes me angry to see paparazzi on campus. Look, Watson *is* a Brown student. She lives in a crappy-to-decent dorm, and has friends, and takes classes. She’s also not the first celebrity/VIP/person of public note to ever attend a college like a normal person. I don’t think it’s fair at all to judge an individual Brown student when that student seems to be doing nothing out of the ordinary. Her life at Brown appears to be kept pretty average, separate from what makes her famous. I can only support that.

    Also, underclassmen at Brown don’t drink PBR. They drink Natty. I guess that’s the only good reason to feel sorry for a Brown student.

  4. Hollywoodentertoonment Says:

    Check this out if you please… //hollywoodentertoonment.blogspot.com/2011/01/real-emma-watson_12.html

  5. HanoverHottie Says:

    I happened to like this post. Keep it up.

  6. GSAW12 Says:

    Hey I give her credit living in those dorms. She should give a go at writing for Ivy Gate. She couldn’t do worse.

  7. HoneyIvy Says:

    she actually pays for her dorm room (because sophomores are NOT allowed to love off-campus) but ALSO rents an apartment downtown

  8. h12 Says:

    Eve, you’re clearly a vicious cunt bag. fuck off.

  9. Sam J Says:

    Give the girl a break, geez.

  10. CC'10 Says:

    famous and well-heeled people don’t lose their rights by virtue of those things. ivy league schools have plentiful numbers of both

  11. CC'10 Says:

    famous and well-heeled people don’t lose their rights by virtue of those things. ivy league schools have plentiful numbers of both

  12. Tom Cashmaker Says:

    Not to sound like an ass. But everyone knows that once you get famous. What the outcome will be. I’d give up some freedom for 30+ million.

  13. h12 Says:

    Fine, my original comment was removed, so here’s take two, censored:
    Eva you are clearly a jealous (meanie) and you need to get over yourself.

  14. Joe Says:

    Damn this in one cold, bad analogized article; that said, nicely done!

  15. Guest Says:

    soo funny keep it up A***********

  16. Guest Says:

    do like her though as much as you can like someone tht is worth 30million

  17. just saying Says:

    Funny, but I’ve actually witnessed her getting asked for an autograph by some pre-Frosh and she was really nice about it.

  18. Jade Says:

    This is about as funny as it is compassionate, if you ask me. Why don’t you try having the Paparazzi getting on the ground to take photos up your skirt the day you turn 18? Then you might be able to pretend to know what she goes through on a regular basis.

    I don’t care how much she makes, nobody deserves to be treated the way she is (and many other celebrities are). Celebrities are mostly artists of some kind, at the end of the day, and make the films, music, etc. that end up defining our lives. Who doesn’t remember the first movie they saw in theatres? Or the song that was playing when they had their first dance? These memories are all courtesy of people who are working in showbusiness, and yet they are the target of every possible criticism by absolutely everyone. Nice, guys. Really nice.

  19. Hollywoodentertoonment Says:

    Check this out if you please… //hollywoodentertoonment.blogspot.com/2011/01/real-emma-watson_12.html

  20. Silver_Rose Says:

    That’s mean! Yes, she is an extremely famous movie star, but if you’ve been in the spotlight for half your life, and your whole childhood, I’d think you’d want to have an aspect of your life that’s normal, where you aren’t paparazzi stalked. Though that still happens, she’s trying to take it in perspective and act as normal as a 21-yr-old millionaire movie star can. Please give her a break!

  21. ANW13 Says:

    This post is completely rude and insulting. If you are her “Biggest Fan” then why are you saying she has a so called cruel life? Just because she wants to have a life of a normal teenage/college student does not mean she has a cruel life. Most celebrities do not get personal time to themselves they are bombarded by paparazzi everywhere. Most of us non-celebrities would love to have the life of Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, or Daniel Radcliffe. Honestly its not everything we would expect. They don’t have the everyday lives like me or you. They don’t go to school, they have some fake friends and boy friends, they can’t go out to dinner in a diner with they’re families, they can’t go out into the public without fans recognizing them, and they always stand out in large groups. This post insulted me a lot and I wonder how Emma feels; if you were truly her fan I would apologize.  

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