At Best they have Tenure

Even though Obama is no longer holding beer summits for a certain Ivy League professor, the Ivy League is brimming with professors who need to start saying, “Do what I say, and not what I do” in lecture once school convenes.  

This past August:  a Columbia grad is kicked out of Starbucks, a Harvard researcher is guilty of scientific misconduct, and an anniversary of a Cambridge-Harvard murder is upon us. 

 Screwed up academic calenders = professors require the month of August off in order order to get rid of the crazies come fall.

Exhibit A: Lynne Rosenthal an English professor at Mercy College, who claims to have received her PhD from Columbia, is not letting Starbucks grind her into submission with their fascist terms.

According to the Huffington Post, Rosenthal, a woman well into her 60s, was thrown out of a mid-town New York Starbucks for attempting to order a plain bagel.  Apparently, the “Barista” asked the professor, “Do you want butter of  or cheese?” Rosenthal refused to accept the premise of this silly question and thus became combative. After the use of some profanity, the police escorted Rosenthal out of the coffee chain. Apparently, she thought saying a “plain” bagel would do.

According to Rosenthal, Starbucks is the new master of newspeak. The professor told DNAinfo that Starbucks’ terminology is “Orwellian.” As evidence she referenced the terms: tall, grande, and venti.

 One can only hope that Rosenthal was planning this insurrection thirty years ago while watching CUMB avoid the very thing fascists love – marching, and now more recently Starbucks.

However, is Starbucks to blame for Rosenthal’s behavior or simply is she just ornery? According to, Rosenthal is condescending and rude to her students.  In addition, her overall rating is grand 1.2.  Maybe now her students can join with Starbucks to create an AstroTurf movement to overthrow this “worst teacher ever.”

Another whammy this August is news that Harvard “star” researcher Mark Hauser might have fabricated some data in a 2002 paper. 

 Dr. Hauser is a prominent expert in the comparison between animal and human mental processes. According to the New York Times, Dr. Hauser has been found guilty of eight counts of scientific misconduct.  Most of Hauser’s erroneous details were published in the scientific journal Cognition. According to the editor of Cognition, Hauser’s main error was fabricating the control condition of his experiment. Dr. Hauser in public statements has stated that he is “deeply sorry,” but has not admitted to any scientific misconduct.

Tsk, tsk, tsk… to all those 12 year-old kids out there who are fudging details and randomly creating data for their school’s science fair: be proud, an Ivy League professor holds himself to the same standards as you!

If you think these two examples are bad, just be lucky you did not go to Harvard in the mid-19th century. 

We all know that Harvard is no stranger to murder, but apparently Cambridge and Harvard were center-stage to the “O.J” trial of the 19th century.

 According to PBS, one hundred and sixty years ago to this day, Harvard chemistry professor Dr. John Webster was executed for the murder of Dr. George Parkman, an offshoot of a wealthy Boston family. What was the reason for MURDER? –  A state of being familiar to many of us in the 21st century – debt.  Apparently, Webster and his wife liked to hob-nob with the Cambridge elite and were using loaned money to live outside their means. One of the people Webster was indebted to was Parkman.  On the day of his death, Parkman confronted Webster after many days of hounding the professor for repayment. 

 I guess this negotiation did not end amicably. 

After Cambridge searched for about a week for Parkman’s missing body, a janitor discovered dismembered limbs of Parkman hidden in Webster’s laboratory at the Medical College. 

Keep this in mind the next time your Chem lab smells funky…

The next time your professor snarls at you for dozing off during class or smacking too loudly on your contraband food, just simply ask them… what were you doing last summer?

The Continuing Misadventures of Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum: This is MY Field

Remember when we introduced you to Princeton’s very own unsuccessful player?  Well now, mama’s little boy Will Harsh is under the impression that he owns athletic fields at Princeton. According to a tipster in the stands during the game, Will Harsh disrupted an intramural softball game for grad students (the Tokabats and Cache Hitters) because he believed that the rugby team was supposed to practice on the same field at that time. Harsh allegedly told everyone to get of “his” field so the rugby team could practice.  After the grad students asserted that they had properly scheduled the field for that time, Harsh threatens to call da po po on these hoes. As the players continued to play, Will reportedly called  public safety on the sidelines. 

Once the game rightfully resumed, Harsh allegedly started to kick softballs onto the field. In a tantrum similar to this minor league coach, Harsh continued interrupting the game by throwing the bases around. Apparently, Harsh even punted the first base. (The arc of the punted first base was so spectacular; the two teams were tempted to calculate the trajectory of this exquisite projectile motion. However, they resisted such desires and realize that this was a petty distraction.)

Pictures and video below were sent to us by our tipster:

Public safety did not express any concern over the misuse of Harsh’s precious fieldand after minutes of negotiations, the grad students continued their game. 

Classy stuff, Whitman family. Nevertheless, Harsh should remember to behave himself so he doesn’t embarrass mommy again and ruin her plan to purchase the state of California cost her the election.

UPDATE, Will’s lack of affiliation: According to random rumors, KA, which deemed Griff worthy of admission, denied Will, a legacy student, because he was, quote “too much of an asshole.” This is coming from distinguished gentlemen who relish in this nationally. Funny, I would think his Alabama father and his inquisitive nature at the Black Arts Company performance at Cottage would have made him a sure thing with these guys.

Ouch. Will, do you need to ask mommy for Band-Aid to cover up these boo-boos?

Lose an Arm and a Leg with Meg

As summer is ending, the only thing most of us can do is put our hands in empty pockets and gripe about our lives as slaves interns. While most of us were forced to supplicate to depths Odysseus  could never fathom for petty stipends for travel, one lucky d-bag is being compensated pretty well for what I am sure must be very “challenging” work.  Ladies and Gentleman, meet Brandon P. Watson, nephew of Chevron’s CEO John S. Watson. While sporting his gelled hair at parties in Atherton, Woodside, or Menlo Park, California with hopes to become the Posh Spice of Jersey Shore (he is the one on the far right), Brandon spends the daylight hours of his gap year making bank with his work for Meg Whitman, the Republican candidate for California governor. According to Brandon’s linked-in account, his official title is Staff Assistant. What are the perplexing responsibilities to the ambiguous title of staff assistant? 

According to this websiteStaff Assistant Brandon Watson mans the reception area of the campaign headquarters of Republican gubernatorial Meg Whitman, located in Cupertiono, California.  Just for answering the phone, Brandon received $8,478.20 as his salary and travel compensation for a period of four months.  All the recent expenditures, that are available to the public, for Brandon are listed below:




Meg Whitman, as we have watched you ever so-conveniently bequeath $ 30 million to Princeton before your son  applied, secure a job for Griff through the help of your contributors, and now pay a kid with only a high-school diploma $2,750 a month, what can we possibly expect from you as governor if you are elected? I hope throwing money at anything and everyone is not part of your plan for job creation; even you cannot afford to spoil the 12.2% of unemployed Californians as you did this kid.

College Rankings – Part Deux

Two days ago the Holy Grail of college rankings was released – US News and World Report’s national university ranking list. With a few tweaks, such as more emphasis on graduation rates and high school counselor’s ratings (I hope they got counselors who did not write identical recommendation letters for each student; this happened to me), the list decided to shake things up.

1. Harvard- remained in the top position

2.  Princeton- dropped from its first-place tie

3. Yale- stuck in third

4. Columbia – the most fantastical change, jumped from 8th to here

5. Penn – kicked Caltech, MIT, and Stanford out of its foursome

9. Dartmouth- jumped up two spots

15. Brown- no longer beats Cornell, but is tied with Big Red

15. Cornell- can no longer be victor over another Ivy

The complete list can be seen here. Compare last year’s rankings here.

Freaky Friday – Harvard

On Friday the 13th, Harvard’s Managing Company filed its holdings for the 2nd quarter

(ended 6/30/10) to the SEC (Securities Exchange Commission), not to be confused with the Southeastern Conference of college football. A copy of the submitted 13F-HR form can be seen here.  When one compares its most recent filings to those reported on May 14, 2010 for the 1st financial quarter, a trend emerges – the five companies below have been sold.

  • 489,490 shares –  Pharmaceutical Industries Ltd. (Nasdaq: TEVA; TASE: TEVA), sold for $30.5 million
  • 52,360 shares – NICE Systems Ltd. (Nasdaq: NICE; TASE: NICE), sold for $1.67 million
  • 102,940 shares – Check Point Software Technologies Ltd. (Nasdaq: CHKP, sold for $3.6 million
  • 32,400 shares  –  Cellcom Israel Ltd. (NYSE:CEL; TASE:CEL) for $1.1 million
  • 80,000 shares – Partner Communications Ltd. (Nasdaq: PTNR; TASE: PTNR), sold for $1.8 million.

 Why is this important?  Find out after the jump…
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The Non-Chronicles of Narnia

Dorms fail at being entries into magical worlds, bastions of extra space, and creative fodder for this. However, mahogany wardrobes do.

The start of move-in days and orientations is quickly approaching:

Brown: August 28

Columbia: August 30

Cornell: August 20

Dartmouth: September 15  

Harvard: August 26

Penn: September 2

Princeton: September 11

Yale: August 23

Whether you are a clueless freshie or just a jaded scholar looking for new tips for your new prison cell dorm-sweet-dorm, this is the place for you!

Tips are available after the jump…

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College Rankings: Spark Notes Edition

It’s been over a week since the Princeton Review released its annual guide to the Best 371 Colleges.  In addition to brief and mundane overviews of each college deemed worthy by the Princeton Review, a college ranking list is produced to rank colleges in a number of categories.  Although some already may have scoured through every list on the Princeton Review’s website, most of us have only glanced at the picture slideshow that the Huffington Post gradually releases. Further, Forbes just a few days ago released its annual list ranking most universities in the US.

Remember those blue small books which saved your life in high school when you were supposed to remember every minute detail (or even the basic plot line of a book) – Spark Notes? Well, IvyGate has its own version of Spark Notes for these college rankings concerning only Ivys. C’mon we know that’s the only schools you really care about. If you really have to know about other lists where Ivys were MIA, like top party schools, you can check every ranking here. Also if you are really, really, really bored, click here to compare this year’s results to 2009. Just view this guide as one of the ways we show kindness to our lazy or over-worked Ivy brethren.

Super Squashed version:

Forbes 2010

# 2 Princeton

# 8 Harvard

# 10 Yale

# 13 Columbia

# 30 Dartmouth

# 36 Penn

# 45 Brown

Princeton Review

Best Campus Food Best Career Services
# 5 Cornell # 3 Yale
  # 16 Cornell
Best Classroom Experience Best College Library
# 10 Princeton # 1 Harvard – Lamont
  # 3 Princeton – Firestone
  # 5 Cornell – Uris
  # 6 Columbia – Butler
Best College Newspaper Best Radio Station
# 1 Yale # 19 Cornell
# 5 Brown  
# 7 Harvard  
Best College Theater Best College Town
# 3 Yale # 1 Columbia
#17 Brown  
Best Quality of Life Dorms Like Palaces
# 18 Brown # 16 Yale
  #20 Harvard
Great Financial Aid Happiest Students
# 3 Princeton # 1 Brown
# 4 Harvard # 7 Yale
# 6 Yale  
Lots of Race/Class Interaction Most Beautiful Campus
# 15 Yale # 8 Princeton
# 18 Brown  
Most Politically Active Students School Runs like Butter
# 11 Harvard # 12 Princeton
Students Study the Most  
# 10 Princeton  
# 16 Harvard  

Commentary and the rest of the colleges who beat you/you beat out in these categories are available after the jump…

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Rambling, Gambling on the Grade

Need money? An incentive to study for your final and not stare in a drug-like trance  at the millionth YouTube video? Jeremy Gilbert, a former student of the University of Pennsylvania, created the website Ultrinsic as a way for students to bet on their grades. On the website, Gilbert states that the brainchild for the site was a bet he made while in school and further claims that the purpose of the website is to provide motivation for studying.

CEO Steven Wolf explained how the site works to the Huffington Post:

A student registers, uploads his or her schedule and gives Ultrinsic access to official school records. The New York-based site then calculates odds based on the student’s college history and any information it can dig up on the difficulty of each class, the topic and other factors. The student decides how much to wager up to a cap that  starts at $25 and increases with use.

Like your FIFA bracket, top performance garners better rewards. A’s will give you the most money. If you think you might fail a class, you can buy grade insurance that will pay you if you do indeed fail. Although calculation errors and unpredictable professors do exist, most of the end result depends on the skill of students and the effort they are willing to put into earning the grade.

Although the site is legal under both state and federal laws and its “supposed” purpose seems innocent enough, betting on one’s grades is a tricky and ethical dilemma. Classes, that should be educational ends, are transformed into debased means fixated at achieving desired ends, in this case — financial reward. Kant stated,

Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of any other, never merely as a means to an end, but always at the same time as an end.

You really don’t want to violate Kant’s second categorical imperative, do you? (Wow, IvyGate is  quoting Kant again!)

Is your school eligible? According to the Associated Press, thirty-six colleges are able to bet on their academic excellence starting this August. Out of these thirty-six, four are members of the Ivy League (Columbia, Harvard, Penn, and Princeton).

Attention All Freshies (Especially “That” Guy and Gal)

Doe-eyed innocent creatures we call freshmen are equipped with a dangerous ability – to blindly friend everyone from the  Ivies on Facebook.  Although some treat such activity with scorn, others argue that being “that” person is advantageous. To find out, I turned to Alex Jasiulek, CCSC 2013 president, who some might have considered “that” guy a year ago.

1. How many friends did you friend on Facebook before freshman year?

200 friends approximately

2. How did you view your classmates before you met them? Do you view people differently now?

I thought people were very interesting due to their impressive records and the cool things they liked to do. I had very few negative impressions. Mainly the people I didn’t talk to after summer ended were people that had different social interests than I did. I feel that besides physical appearances I think people turned out pretty much how I imagined and I am still great friends with the people I talked to before freshmen year.

3. Did knowing many people through Facebook early-on help you during freshman year?

I definitely think that having friends online helped me approach my first year with pure excitement, with none of the fear of making friends. Many of the people I talked to I had long conversations with and while an anonymous internet forum doesn’t prove you’ll be great friends with a person, talking on Facebook with people who you know you will be spending the next four years of your life with make the conversations more real. I came to campus with people’s numbers in my phone and after checking in I already had a group with me.

4. How you do you view yourself a year later? What do you think of the freshman this year?

I am much happier now that the relationships I began forging have turned into really great friendships. Not everyone I talked to turned out to be great friends (or great people) but I have great friends to turn to a year later. I honestly don’t know much about the current pre-frosh but I think the kids I had for my POD group were great.

5. Do you have any regrets? Any advice for the class of 2014?

If people want to meet their peers before coming to school, I think it’s definitely worthwhile and can help the summer go by quicker. However, after one bad experience I would also caution to not get to close with any one individual because they can turn out to be real bad. Although to be honest, all but one person I talked to last summer turned out to be amazing.

So there you have it, y’all have my blessing to go friend away shamelessly.  If you ever think we berate you for your unbridled enthusiasm and hope for the future, we simply are just nostalgic for the days we thought FroSci would be an interesting and informative course.

BREAKING: GoodCrush to Be Shut Down

The anonymous matchmaking service GoodCrush — which has already confirmed the social/sexual-awkwardness of the Ivy League and falsely raised the hopes of thousands checking the web in common locations — will soon face the axe. The news comes to us straight from the site’s Princetonian founder, Josh Weinstein. Backstory, in the words of the mensch himself:

One day during sophomore year, I was walking in front of the campus center when an idea hit me — there needs to be an easy way to offer my peers (read: myself) a risk-free way of expressing a crush wherein their (my) identity is only revealed if there’s a match. It was then that I built the “CrushFinder.”

The Xanga-esque, tween-angsty service is to be replaced by something “bigger and better,” which we can only hope will anonymously facilitate relationships that are “bigger-and-better” than hook-ups: professor-student, doctor-patient, organ-donor-donee ,Princetonian-entrepeneur-and-HuffPost-columns, etc. That said, did anyone really find love — or even a one-night-stand — on the site, or was it just filled with inside jokes, people posting about themselves, and gems like:

Your beauty is so radiant it’s like you have eight legs. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Gates, Zuckerberg… Weinstein? Or will he just get GoodCrush-ed by the Ivy League’s low, low brand loyalty? Only time will tell.