Penn Alum Looks to Inherit Oprah Legacy, Forgets She Lacks Charisma

Some people just never learn about self-worth…especially clueless Penn alum like one Jordan Zucker. Despite four years of top-notch Philadelphian fraternal passion, Ms. Zucker has resorted to joining other P-college attendees, digging up her meals out of the fleshy, sour trash can of reality television by auditioning for Oprah Winfrey’s Search For the Next TV Star competition. Ms. Zucker aims her bottomless bimbo glasses of wine at the Oprah throne, and at best, splashes just a drop of incompetency on her royal toes. Her brilliant idea? A female-oriented sports-themed fantasy-football cooking Dr. Seussian nightmare. Rhymes aside (and multiple empty wine glasses, faux Bohemianism with a trophy guitar,cheesy beach backgrounds, etc.), her belief in her “experience” in television – which boils down to a guest screenshot on Scrubs and some DVRed Food Network special – leaves me wondering what concoctions of self-humiliation and self-illusion are brewed on Penn campus. Oh wait, I already know.

No offense, Jordan. But literally – No. Offense.

5 Responses to “Penn Alum Looks to Inherit Oprah Legacy, Forgets She Lacks Charisma”

  1. d14 Says:

    why is ivygate posting about 35 year old alums?

  2. Yale13 Says:

    why not?

  3. D10 Says:

    D14? Holy crap I'm old

  4. 10 Says:

    “Arguably, IvyGate’s problem is not that it is actually trying to be evil, but that it inhabits a medium where you need to be a really, really, really strong writer to know how to toe the line between snarky-funny-with-a-point, and just-plain-obnoxious. (I know this problem well; I have an ex-boyfriend who likes to cite this as one of my bitchier flaws.) Chris and Nick, the site’s founders, did this, and did it well. IvyGate’s writers since just aren’t up to par, so any attempts they make at whimsy or irreverence just come off as desperate irrelevance. It’s one thing to be an asshole, if you’re funny. It’s another to just be an unfunny asshole. IvyGate, these days, is even worse: It does that thing that no humor writer ever wants to be caught dead doing — it tries too hard to be funny. And desperate and mean is never a good combination on anyone.”

    I like how ivygate puts the article the above quote was featured in (In the Cornell Sun) under “Rave Reviews” and instead only quotes “”A full-fledged mega-crush on — and its editors… the funniest and hottest shit ever.”” which referred to the site years ago.

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