It’s a fact of life: Facebook has made incoming Ivy League freshmen retarded – at least until they arrive on campus and reveal how awkward and un-cool they truly are. Meet “Stephany Her RoyalHighness,” Princeton ’12, author of a ludicrous post on the discussion board of the Princeton 2012 Facebook group. She writes:
Dear Class of 2012,
I only hold you to the same standards I hold myself to and I HATE being disappointed.
Having said that, do not let ANYONE tell you that you are not better than them, because you are. We are the elite, we are the 0.0000001% of the world who have spent the last four years of our lives either blackmailing or working our asses off. There was something that got you here—whether it was daddy’s money or your #1 ranking in the nation, you are here and you are better. You have mercilessly beaten out your friends, your girlfriends, your boyfriends, your brothers, your sisters and every one you have loved. Don’t apologize for it, revel in it. YOU. ARE. BETTER. Why deny it?
Don’t be held back now—you are in your prime. Starting from the first day you step on campus, there is no past, there is no judgment. You are beautifully brand new. Wherever you came from, whatever you have been through, whoever you knew: that counts for nothing now. It only matters who you are now.
Try everything once: Pilates, squash, open mic night, tantric sex. What do you have to lose? When you risk everything, you have anything to gain.
If someone says you can’t. Don’t answer. Walk away and prove them wrong.
Princeton is famous for its elitism and for fostering loyalty among its students and alumni but “Stephany” – if there’s really an incoming Princeton freshman behind that facile alias – is someone different altogether. Read her post in its entirety after the jump.
Laws are nothing but restrictions: break every one you possibly can. The only order is the one that you make. The only resolution you’ll ever find is within yourself. The only satisfaction you’ll ever discover is the one you create. Never look to others for leadership, take control yourself. Never have regrets, because at some point, what you did is what you wanted. Don’t just take responsibility for your actions, take pride in every little mistake, every little stumble because it just means it won’t happen again.
We all have weakness, accept it. But to be able to overcome it—that’s where we’re different. We don’t let it hold us back. Pain is weakness leaving the body. That ache in your muscles? The ripped papers? The taste of blood on your lips? The broken condom? The fatigue in your bones? Those are the victories. Life is a beautiful game and you sure as hell are winning. Just make sure it stays that way.
You beat out everyone else’s best. Now, it’s about beating you own best. I know it’s not weakness or failure you fear but your own brilliance, your own divinity. You ask yourself, who are you think to that you are beautiful? Extraordinary? You have every right, because that’s exactly what you are. Never fear your potential. Never fear your pinnacle.
Don’t take things so seriously, but don’t take them so lightly either. You trip up and fall? Don’t lick your wounds—display them. It means you’re a competitor. You’re bleeding? You better hope you’re not anywhere close to carpet because there’s a lot more cuts where that came from. This is life— you fall down seven times, you get up eight. This is life—there is no such thing as failure, only a 100th try. This is life—no one gets out alive anyway, so you better hope you fucking live before you’re dead.
Power cannot be given, only taken, for the taking of power is empowerment itself. Power is only tiring to those who don’t have it, so make sure you always have the upper hand. Neither fatigue nor excuses are weaknesses that we allow. You think Duke Wellington said “I’m too hung over to go to battle” the morning of Waterloo? You think D-Day was on June 6th because someone procrastinated from May 30th?
You don’t like something? Stop bitching. CHANGE it.
You’ve conquered all? Stop wondering. RAISE the bar.
Someone beat you? Stop rolling in self-pity. Get back up and OBLITERATE them.
Indulge. Enjoy. Fester.
Boys and Girls, there are no rules to this game. Someone crosses you? It’s BURN BITCH BURN. But remember there are very few people out there worth an excess of energy or emotion. Pick the right ones.
This is the death of dynasty. The authorities may make the rules, they may think they have control, but we cannot forget we are Princeton. We are her blood and her bile. And we are the generation they have never seen before.
We are the anti-Christs to save the world from the mercy of God, the self-pity that festers within the masses. Religion is the opiate of the masses, so drug them until they are nothing but slaves at your will. You have deserved this. You are Hitler the fourth, Alexander the Great the Second, Napoleon the Fifth, here to destroy the world we know.
We are history because we are the winners.
And don’t let them forget it.
My love now and forever,
Is this a call to arms? Against Harvard and Yale and the rest of the Ivy League? Will we soon see the rising of a Princetonian-only nation state? The enslavement of the rest of the world? Or is this simply a brilliant satire against the inanity of Princeton’s freshmen? Quick, someone friend Stephany Her RoyalHighness and find out the truth.