“Everyone else was too drunk to know that I was too drunk to know where I was.”

Everyone else was too drunk to know that I was too drunk to know where I was.The D is like the little Ivy Daily that could. First, there was their peerless police blotter, then the whole cunnilingus affair, and now comes this thrilling narrative of crime and redemption sans redemption.

Technically, we already linked to Alex Howe’s (D ’08) article in Ragtime last week, but it was so good we decided it deserved a post of its own. Here’s a representative excerpt from what I am calling a tour de force of drunken travelogue:

“On my way out, I saw two things I liked and took them with me: two bottles of $9.95 red wine and the Sunday New York Times. After I found the back door and fumblingly unlocked it, I stumbled into the New Hampshire night with wine in each hand and the Times in my armpit, bleeding onto my nicest clothes.”

Bravissimo! We eagerly look forward to the next installment. 

After the jump — the article in full.

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Ragtime October 29, 2007: Halloween Brawls!

Kiss Dartmouth’s Fern-Hating Fanny

Kiss Dartmouth's Fern-Hating FannyThe “reply all” contagion that has long plagued the lovesick and food-poisoned students at Princeton spreads now to Dartmouth, where midterms come with a lesson on the danger of online rants:

Subject: Kiss my Fanny
Date: Sun, 28 Oct 2007 12:28:14 -0400 (EDT)
From: [redacted] @Dartmouth.EDU
To: “ENGL.041.01-FA07”

WHAT the HELL were we supposed to get out of Fanny Fern??? Just the sentamentalist ideology?  She’s really like the weakest link out of the bunch and not just becuase that reading seemed out of place but also because it’s one that I know the LEAST about.  God bless him for trying to throw a woman in the mix but curse him for throwing that curve ball. Taking the 19th century woman from the kitchen to the classroom is FUCKING me all up.  So again, WHAT the HELL were we supposed to get out of Fanny Fern???  Thank you for your consideration and goodluck with the studies.

More amazing than the fact that the writer expected peer “consideration” of a triple-question-marked, profanity-laced query is the fact that he apparently forgot that the professor’s e-mail address tends to be included in online class lists. Professor Michael Chaney’s “reflective” and metaphor-heavy response (Michael Jackon’s “We are the World” comes to mind), after the jump.

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Yale Coverage of Yale Emails about Harvard Shirts — World Turns Upside-Down, Inside-Out!

Yale Coverage of Yale Emails about Harvard Shirts -- World Turns Upside-Down, Inside-Out!You know it’ll be a good e-mail when it starts like this:


It’s like the reporter thinks it’s our fault he’s on a short schedule, his hastily-pressed caps lock key indicating the vital urgency of the following questions about Yale’s attempt to sabotage Harvard’s H-bomb-vs.-Y-bomb football smackdown t-shirts:

3.) Would you qualify this as a prank, and how so?
4.) I’m just curious what you mean by the obnoxious sixth grader comment.
5.) Do you expect this issue to intensify to anything else? A prank war perhaps?
6.) How effective was this Yale stunt at achieving what it is doing? And what do
you think it is trying to achieve?

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Harvard Pro-Sex and Anti-Sex Crusaders Make Us Want to Ignore Them, Have Sex

Harvard Pro-Sex and Anti-Sex Crusaders Make Us Want to Ignore Them, Have SexYesterday, Harvard’s Lena “I lowered my mouth over his cock and slid my lips over his shaft easily” Chen (our Favorite Person Ever) debated the merits of pre-marital sex with Janie Fredell, the co-president of True Love Revolution (which, believe it or not, is not a 60’s band you’ve never heard of, but a campus abstinence group). We sent correspondent Alterrell Mills to get the scoop.

The highly-anticipated “debate” between Lena “I lowered my mouth over his cock and slid my lips over his shaft easily” Chen and the co-President of the True Love Revolution, Janie Fredell, was truly not worth the wait. Before the event, I met with an overeager Janie who emphasized that it was “a discussion, not a debate about sex and dating.” And here I was, thinking we had a regular Lincoln and Douglass on our hands! Discussion, indeed.

Janie arrived early, while Lena came right on time. Both ladies held true to form in terms of appearance; Lena wore a mini-skirt that left little to the imagination, while Janie was more modestly dressed in jeans.

The ladies started off by defining their sexuality. Janie stated that she was abstinent, and that the kind of guy she was interested in was “chivalrous, strong yet gentle” and ultimately worth the wait. Janie wants a man who respects her ambitions, and values more than just sex in their relationship. She also added that she could get sexual gratification from “a battery-operated plastic object.” Lena replied, “I derive great joy from battery-operated objects.”


After the jump: let’s talk about sex, baby.

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Ragtime October 26, 2007: “I used to be fluent in Tolkien’s Quenya”

Reminder: Submit Disastrous A Cappella Videos For Our Tournament!

Reminder: Submit Disastrous A Cappella Videos For Our Tournament!

Since our declaration of war on Sex and the Ivy a cappella Tuesday, we’ve received enough delicious YouTube submissions to feed a third-world country. But we want to feed AMERICA, so send more! These videos are obnoxiously easy to find; just search anything in Google Video, like “hey” or “bum bum” or something, and at least the first 37 videos will be of Ivy League a cappella troupes being stupid.

Missed the original post? Too lazy to click the link? Understandable. Quick catch-up: IvyGate is holding an 8-team “Worst A Capella Group in the Ivy League” tournament all next week. Competitors will be chosen based on one embarrassing/poorly edited YouTube submission of a performance, and we’re not ashamed to use these single clips as qualifiers for a group’s universal shittiness. So please send all YouTube video links to ivygate@gmail.com by TOMORROW EVENING.

Here’s a sample from one of the submissions we received. Showing it now has no bearing on whether it will make the tournament or not, it’s just… well hopefully you’ll understand why we’re holding the tournament after watching. This one gets REALLY good around 1:12:

Wait till you see another group’s “Ducktales” video!

Princeton Degenerates Into Gangland Nightmare

Princeton Degenerates Into Gangland Nightmare

All is not calm under the Princeton Snowglobe. It seems the unruly skateboard punks in Palmer Square, pissed at the world because their dad works at a hedge fund, have some competition in the petty nuisance department.

The Prince is reporting on the arrest of three gang members believed to be responsible for the recent epidemic of — gasp! — laptop thefts. And by epidemic I mean exactly six laptops have been stolen from unlocked rooms over a period of a month. Three of which were pranks. Down these mean streets.

According to the Prince, the three are believed to belong to the gang Mara Salvatrucha. Here’s some background info on that gang, courtesy of the Prince:

Newsweek called MS-13 the “most dangerous gang in America,” and the FBI described the gang as an “extremely violent, fast-spreading street gang that has tentacles in more than 40 U.S. states and 10 different nations across two continents.”

I’m going to jump to the conclusion that Princeton is home to the lamest MS-13 tentacle across 40 U.S. states, 10 different nations, and two continents. Way to break into the unlocked dorm room racket, guys. There’s a candy store on Nassau Street, are you going to rob that too?

After the jump — the full article.

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Psyche! Harvard “Scabies” Probably Just Mosquitoes

Psyche! Harvard "Scabies" Probably Just Mosquitoes

A 750-word memo hit Pennypacker’s listserv today, announcing that the scabies infestation that forced the Harvard dorm’s entire student population to bathe in medicated creams, call-of-shame all sex partners, and fumigate all clothing and sheets is most definitely gone… because it probably wasn’t scabies, at all! The University Health Services-authored email explains,

It’s difficult to say definitively whether the original three students ultimately had scabies or not. Our best diagnosis at the time was that they did, and, given this diagnosis, it would have been risky not to treat the entire dormitory. Four days later, Dr. Michael Alpert, an entomologist from the Harvard School of Public Health came to Pennypacker and talked to three symptomatic individuals and concluded that scabies was unlikely, given the rapid clearing. He speculated that the causative bug could have been mosquitoes.

It took four days for UHS to realize this, and twelve to make the information publicly available? Because it only took us two. And they say we don’t care about the Crimsons!

Harvard officials’ rambling explanation after the jump. 

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Yale Emails Lamer Than Harvard T-Shirts

Yale Emails Lamer Than Harvard T-ShirtsWe’ve recently been accused of harboring certain anti-Harvard tendencies. But if there’s anything worse than Harvard students designing some truly terrible t-shirts for the Yale game – and yes, there are many things that are worse, i.e. Islamofascism Awareness Week – it’s Yalies trying to subvert Harvard students’ democratic right to choose the worst t-shirt they can imagine.

Yalies have been emailing each other like whoah trying to hijack the Harvard t-shirt vote with all the smugness and subtlety of an obnoxious sixth grader. It seems not to have occurred to anyone that at some point the Harvard webmaster might catch on.

From email #1: so harvard decided to have online voting for their game shirts. and we decided to choose their shirt for them.”

From email #2: The word on the street is that Yale is backing choice no. 3 cause it too lame for words. Vote # 3 and sabotage Harvard.”

From email #3: They made their t-shirt contest public. Naturally, we should all vote for the lamest shirt. I’m thinking either shirt 2 (to get them wearing out color, and becuase it doesn’t make sense) or shirt 3, which is just idiotic. Either way, lets vote in a large block (There are about 1100 of you i’m emailing)…

Ummm, intense.

After the jump: the emails in full.

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