IvyGate readers, we’re about to save your social lives. You can thank us later. Well, you can thank us later if you can still access your computer, because the Social Media Sobriety Test might alternatively decide that you’re too much of a drunken fool to use the Internet.
The Firefox plugin, which was launched last week, forces you to pass simple tests to “prove you’re sound of mind” before you can log onto Facebook and tell your freshman-year boyfriend that his new girlfriend looks like a wombat with a bad haircut. Users choose their “hours of intoxication” and the sites they know they should stay away from, and voilà, an instant beer buffer.
So far the plugin works like a charm, albeit a slow charm that takes so long to load that most drunk people would probably just fall asleep first. That must be part of the strategy.
But make no mistake: this program means business. IvyGate gave it a test run in the middle of the afternoon (we need to be protected from ourselves 24/7, so it’s not that weird), and we have to say, it’s hard. We swear we weren’t drunk. But trying to count steadily to thirty seconds when a bear in a party hat keeps rolling by holding a sign that says “8”? That’s like trying to tell the difference between your third and fourth toes without looking at them.
On the one hand, this is good news for all of us, and more importantly for everyone who knows us. No more late night trips down stalker lane. No more tweeting stupid shit like “I can’t find my feet” or “@FratBoyJohn you have weird nipples ha haha haah.” No more singing along to “Chocolate Rain” at 3am with the speaker volume cranked up to 150 decibels. No more Facebook-messaging the male college dean to ask him if he’s pregnant.
On the other hand, though, we suspect we might be shooting ourselves in the foot by posting this. Drunk college students are our favorite kind of people, and if everyone just went to bed every time they got crapulous, our jobs would probably be a lot harder. And what if you’re just a genuine idiot? No Facebook after 10pm? Morons, take heed.