No need for Red Bull, or Adderall, ever again, studiers! Harvard Professor David Edwards has developed a breathable coffee, sold for $3 for an individual “stick” that is as heavily caffeinated as a shot of espresso. According to his website, Dr. Edwards doesn’t solely limit himself to researching ways to make caffeine consumption even more gross:

David Edwards’ work includes new approaches to treating infectious diseases, as pioneered by the pharmaceutical company Pulmatrix, and the nonprofit MEND; it includes new ways of eating, such as Le Whif.

So, good for him for keeping busy! The New York Post reports that Dylan’s Candy Bar sold out of the “kooky coffee” within hours, although whether “Le Whif” is a short-term phenomenon or something with staying power is anyone’s guess, mainly because, gross, right?

Everyone’s favorite Freddy Got Fingered star made a special appearance at Penn this past week for his comedy tour and ended up partying with Penn students. On his website, the actor — and famous ex-husband of Drew Barrymore — posted a video of himself tapping a keg in some unidentified coven of Penn students, all of whom look either ecstatic or bemused.

Where has Green’s career gone? The man used to make big[-ish] movies — now he’s partying at the most oppressively horrible party scene in the Ivy League [well, except for all the others]. With eighteen-year-olds. In the video, he looks quite old… but happy. Maybe the Ivy League is more fun than we think it is — or maybe he’s just collecting material.

“Two houses, both alike in aggregation,

in fair Columbia where we lay our scene.

From ancient grudge break new mutiny,

Where civil link makes civil comments unclean.”

Okay SO! Some weird stuff, and a debate about the borderlines of both censorship and advertising, is going on in the Bwog comments thread for the article “Freaking Out? Free Roti?.” Someone — maybe a Spec staffer? — posted links to the new blog Spectrum, which were quietly expunged from the site. At 1:40am, a commenter wrote: “why are you deleting comments of most of the things people say about spectrum like that’s weird.” At 2:00am, site Co-Editor Anish Bramhandkar wrote: “Bwog routinely removes comments that advertise other web sites.”

And then it was ON! Bramhandkar started outing commenters’ IP addresses to reveal they were posting multiply at 2:18am. At 2:50am Bwog’s Webmaster Hans Hyttinen commented “Again, we are only removing comments that do not add to the discussion in any way, such as a comment which was, in its entirety, ’spectrum’.” So I guess we know what the comment said! Their true feelings on the subject may be revealed in the first comment in the thread — “Spectrum: MORE LIKE RECT’UM.” [sic] What a great conversation this is, on all sides! [Spec, you are not immune.]

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For better or for worse, we now live in a world caught in the long, twee shadow of Yale’s tunetastic musical admissions video. Reactions were many, with our personal favorite, Chris Buckley’s: “OMFG.” But after the dust settled, we all dreaded one, awful possibility. In the words of the Yale Dean of Admissions:

I expect that there will be parodies and attempts at imitation.

Well… damn it. Here’s MiddKid, a rap/R&B exploration of granola Middlebury culture:

I’m flyin on the pitch as I catch the snitch
and if you dont play Quidditch, then you’re a bitch

Can we just blame this on Yale again?

You’re welcome, Internet. IvyGate’s oldest and greatest friend and triumph, deluded megalomaniac Aleksey Vayner, will be bringing his own special brand of hilarious douchebaggery to ROFLCON 2010, in April at MIT.

For those who don’t remember, Vayner was the 2006 Yalie whose blustery and lie-filled video resume (“Impossible is Nothing”), fake charity, hedge-fund, and holocaust memoir took the Internet by storm after we dug up all sorts of hilarity. Good times… He threatened to sue us, leading to a highly-publicized online battle. Thanks for that, man. And since public self-promotion worked so well for you the first time, I’m sure this 4chan-style conference is a great idea, and that you’ll be taken very seriously. According to their website, ROFLCON is

Another two days and two nights of the most epic internet culture conference ever assembled. Informed commentators suggest that this may be the most important gathering of humanity since the fall of the tower of Babel. And yes, we’re still looking to get Goatse.

At least Goatse was up-front about where he stood. At the conference, Aleksey will be

discussing what he’s been up to since those fateful months, the issues around privacy online and crisis management, and recounting and reflecting on the experience of being swept up in the middle of the memetic storm.

Did somebody say “comeback”??? Aleksey, the only way you could get more IvyGate-y would be by marrying Lena Chen.

The Princetonian, somehow, published an op-ed blaming women for getting raped. Buckle your seatbelts, here comes a long quote:

Therefore, the girl willingly got herself into a state in which she could not act rationally. This, in my opinion, is equivalent to agreeing to anything that might happen to her while in this state. In the case of our girl, this happened to be sex with a stranger.

This brings up another question: Why is the guy always to blame? Since the beginning of time, society has taught us that whenever a situation like this arises, the fault belongs almost entirely to the male participant.

And thus women ought not accuse men of rape, to correct the balance. Okay! Well. There are so many things to say — first of which is that the article is written by a freshman. Oh, Iulia Neagu, so much to learn about not starting controversies with your incredibly retrograde opinions! Also enraging: how she frames her argument as “logical” simply by using the phrases “common sense” and “therefore” repeatedly.

Other things to say are said by the 166 comments on the Prince site. One of them reads:

I’m very disappointed the Prince staff allowed this to be published. They’re obviously just using a poor freshman as a sacrifice to the publicity gods. Now, everyone will talk about this tomorrow, read their Princes, and post here. It’s really not okay to publish something like this, and the only reason it would be is for readership.

Hey, don’t get too mad at the editors, though. Little Iulia said it best: you’re not capable of making wise decisions when you’re drunk.

Yale College Council President and GoodCrushDarling Jon Wu just emailed all undergrads with some surprising and promiscuous (in the old-timey sense) news: Yale will offer next year’s seniors the option to live in Mixed Gender Suites. Not too much of a shocker, given that every other Ivy has already taken the gender-neutral plunge. Regardless, the email has been met with campus-wide celebration and student declarations of “victory” (after all, these kids camped out in the New Haven cold to rally for the program).

And, just like the Hanover Police, the man finally caved in. Yale’s Class of 2011 will get to mingle in unisex common-rooms and blur meaningless, culture-imposed gender lines as “part of a pilot program,” which the YCC hopes to extend to the rest of the College after a year of review. But don’t worry kids, this won’t be a complete free-for-all. The new policy:

1.  Each bedroom within a suite must be single sex. A man and a woman may not occupy a double bedroom, but they can elect to live in separate single bedrooms within a suite.

So no hetero-roomie-sex, for now…

2.  No student will be assigned to a mixed-gender suite against his or her will.

…or imprisonment (?).

3.  Mixed-gender housing groups will get no advantage or disadvantage in the housing selection process. If they are not able to select a suite that can accommodate them, they may need to break into different groups that may or may not be mixed gender.

Plus, ostensible fairness! And finally,

4.  Students in intimate relationships are strongly discouraged from entering into a shared suite arrangement.

So, basically, you can’t be like this girl... for many reasons.

The new policy found unanimous approval from the Yale Corporation (in the wake of a successful and liberating Sex Week), as well as our friends over at The Bullblog. Here at IvyGate, we’ll be reserving judgment until we see how the pilot program fares. Questions remain… Will it coax back the unwashed off-campus hordes? Will Jesse Morrell make an angry return? What will become of the fine art of sexiling? How will the trannies respond? How will Jesus respond? And has noone considered the cooties?

This breaking news brought to you by a very tired and midterm-addled IvyGate EIC. For our past coverage of Yale’s housing sturm und drang, check out this excellent analysis from our predecessor, Adam (he lives on!).

And, for what it’s worth, read the full, earth-shaking YCC email after the jump.

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Creepy child-man Jonathan Krohn goes on the record with The Daily Beast as to which college he wants to attend. Guess where a 14-year-old conservative “pundit” thinks is cool! (Hint: not Brown!)

Jonathan has his heart set on Princeton for college, where he’d be able to do radio from New York, he says, and then shuttle back for class. He’s particularly drawn to the conservative Christian professor, Robert P. George, who teaches there.

Ooh, we can’t wait for Krohn to pledge an eating club–and to find out the Frists are  vacuous. People do realize that 14-year-olds are literally incapable of holding political opinions that are not either in agreement with or as rejection of their parents’, correct? And that maybe, besides the initial spectacle of someone who hasn’t yet hit puberty writing a book called Defining Conservatism, that, um, someone is buying the “business cards” and signing the permission slips for missed days of middle school? Yep, Jonathan Krohn is the product of a stage mom, one Marla Krohn, who says:

A lot of people have trouble understanding how a 14 year old could know more about the issues than they do.

Congratulations and welcome to the Ivy League in advance, Jonathan! You’ll fit in just fine.

Rush is truly the gift that keeps on giving. Yale’s Pi Beta Phi and Kappa Alpha Theta chapters have finally uploaded their 2010 Rush Videos to YouTube, and boy, are they uplifting. Before the creepy commenters get to them, IvyGate is pleased to present these masterpieces to the discerning Ivy League audience; and of course, to declare a winner.

We’ll start with Pi Phi’s, a heady docudrama entitled “Pi Phi Girl,” which explores–through the lens of Gossip Girl, Mad-Libs, and mid-90’s pop hits–what it truly means to wear the Pi Phi crown. Feast your eyes:

“Right now… let’s see… I, gosh, I have a meeting with President Levin right now, he wants me to help him with this multi-billion dollar fundraising campaign. It’s superrr intense.”

Next we move onto Theta’s more overtly satirical “The T.A.” Some nerd/jock jokes… a bad Snooki impression… etc, yawn, etc… and OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD THEY’RE CONJURING MAGIC ENERGY BALLS AND SHOOTING THEM AT AN EVIL COW! PLEASE SEE 4:21 IMMEDIATELY:

The time has come for you guys to make your energy balls. Take out your hands and place them in front of you, and think happy thoughts, and it will just come naturally. Don’t force it, Snooki, don’t force it! Think what you love!

After a few moments of speechlessness, we’re comfortable declaring a (totally objective) winner: Pi Phi all the way, baby. Not only have these young ladies provided us with great material in the past (“Heels. PRETTY HEELS.”), but their Rush video hits all the right notes: Snarky Rumpus editors, child brainwashing, Southern accents, sophomores I’ve been in section with, fur, sequins, an awkward unintentional flashing at 5:04, and of course, a “hey guys I heard you were stressed so I bought some cake and Diet Coke!!!!”? Check!

The cute slideshow at the end definitely seals the deal. At the risk of incineration at the hands of Theta’s energy balls, we’re confident in declaring: PPL 4eva guyz!

It’s on. Dartmouth’s Greek Life leaders just blitzed an email to the whole campus, taking direct aim at the Hanover Police’s aggressive anti-fun alcohol crackdown. IvyGate has received an exclusive copy of the missive, which is probably the most cogent thing ever scribbled down in a frathouse.

Hanover Police’s proposal will roll back a decade of progress.

The best points?

1) The initiative will make students less likely to use the Good Samaritan Policy, due to increased fear of arrest and criminal charges. 2) Such a policy will drive drinking “underground” into less regulated and more dangerous environment.

All in all, it’s good to see that the Dartmouth fratboys and sorority gurls are interested in “a substantive and civil conversation on the issue.” And, of course, if that doesn’t work, they can always try burning down buildings and poisoning peeps.

But despite the typo-laden but well-argued email, brace yourselves for some bad news:

Greek organizations will now REQUIRE that all visitors present either valid Dartmouth identification or a legal state license that proves that they are over 21 years of age.

Ouch… Dartmouth frats checking IDs? That’s like, Yale bro-ing out or Princeton getting good grades. Then again, we’re sure that this new policy will be reallllly strictly enforced by the Greek houses.

At any rate, the battle for police sanity continues in Hanover. We’ve already given you a Facebook outlet and Chief Giaccone’s contact info, and will keep you updated as the tips flood in. Keep fighting the good fight, Dartmouthians. And remember, reading the age on an ID is really hard in the dark.

Read the full email–sent by the Dartmouth Greek Leadership Council, InterFraternity Council, Panhellenic Council, and Co-Ed Council to the entire college–after the jump.

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