It’s about that time of the year when your pants are fitting a little tighter and couples, making you snarl: Valentine’s pre-week, and if you’re lucky, Sex Week as well. Slushy snowy nonsense keeps you indoors, and your achy breaky heart’s asking you to look for love in all the wrong places. What options have you got? Facebook? Umm…Grandma’s on that, now. Craigslist? Not, unless you want to be brutally axe-murdered. How about their twisted, nymphomaniac grandchild: a new site, just for lonely collegiates like yourself?

Well, why not? Guess it’s about time for a techno-regime change; young, bored college students need to redefine what’s already been defined. Myspace failed where Facebook triumphed. And now, e-Harmony’s been bested by this new, perky young thing, fresh to the Interwebs. Her name’s GoodCrush, and she’s on the prowl, eating away the last three minutes you have after Facebook-ing, Twitter-ing, Digging, Myspace-ing, Masturba… – taking long showers etc.

If your inbox hasn’t already been thoroughly molested by GoodCrush’s prying hands, then sorry… guess you’re not attractive. (Or just not the Yale student body president.) Either way, the love notices are as sex-starved as…well, as all the Ivies themselves. Take these Shakespeareans, for example:

Your beauty is so radiant it’s like you have eight legs. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

You were wearing an argyle sweater. You’re descended from Xerxes.

You’re short and Asian and always so well-dressed…I love that you use a pink ruler to draw your graphs when taking notes….any chance you’d want to hold my ruler and lie tangent to my production possibilities frontier?

Hot. If people weren’t so busy being awkward stalkers, who knows how many children would be running around on campuses? The smell of love’s in the air, and GoodCrush is cooking up a feral pheromone stew. Or maybe that’s just the smell of lube, SAE. Either Cupid’s shooting blanks or college kids have finally realized that mystery is sexy (do me, Sherlock).

So how does it work? Crush on anyone (literally) by typing their e-mail into a precarious “crush list.” They’ll get your anonymous note and – ta-da! More confusion. They sign-up and are forced to find you by “matching” your crush. Sound like a romantic disaster? Yup: In every way possible. But it’ll get you laid, right? This Valentine’s, don’t sit alone in your room with Mr. Vibes, a Fleshlight, or your best friend: Jergens. Get out there. GoodCrush…and then smash!

Or, maybe just get trashed. Love is overrated.

The List, a Scottish arts and entertainment magazine, has reported that Emma Watson is a “University nerd” headed for Yale come September rather than Brown, as originally reported. Confused? Watson probably is too.

Maybe the bleary-eyed author accidentally clicked on a faux-Twitter posting where a pseudo-Watson said she had accepted Yale’s offer. I mean, New Haven? Really? Who would fall for that?

People Magazine has failed to confirm the story. A recent piece on Hermione’s recent grown-up Interview led with “It’s no secret Emma Watson – a.k.a. Hermione Granger in Harry Potter’s world – wants a degree from an American college, preferably an Ivy League school like Brown.” (Emphasis added.) Smooth, very smooth, People.

Our inside sources say that barring a drastic change of plans, the prize prefrosh is “assumed” to be coming, fulfilling every Brunonian dream of finally meeting their bookish childhood idol.

As of April 14th, Watson, who recently turned 19, blogged that she still hadn’t decided where to go. But it looks like she will be pursuing higher education in the fall, unlike her co-star Daniel Radcliffe (he who famously overexposed himself, with a horse) who set eating clubbers’ panties aflame with rumors that he would be attending Princeton. Only that never happened.

We have one last question: did she get rejected from Harvard? Because she definitely visited.