Rush is truly the gift that keeps on giving. Yale’s Pi Beta Phi and Kappa Alpha Theta chapters have finally uploaded their 2010 Rush Videos to YouTube, and boy, are they uplifting. Before the creepy commenters get to them, IvyGate is pleased to present these masterpieces to the discerning Ivy League audience; and of course, to declare a winner.

We’ll start with Pi Phi’s, a heady docudrama entitled “Pi Phi Girl,” which explores–through the lens of Gossip Girl, Mad-Libs, and mid-90’s pop hits–what it truly means to wear the Pi Phi crown. Feast your eyes:

“Right now… let’s see… I, gosh, I have a meeting with President Levin right now, he wants me to help him with this multi-billion dollar fundraising campaign. It’s superrr intense.”

Next we move onto Theta’s more overtly satirical “The T.A.” Some nerd/jock jokes… a bad Snooki impression… etc, yawn, etc… and OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD THEY’RE CONJURING MAGIC ENERGY BALLS AND SHOOTING THEM AT AN EVIL COW! PLEASE SEE 4:21 IMMEDIATELY:

The time has come for you guys to make your energy balls. Take out your hands and place them in front of you, and think happy thoughts, and it will just come naturally. Don’t force it, Snooki, don’t force it! Think what you love!

After a few moments of speechlessness, we’re comfortable declaring a (totally objective) winner: Pi Phi all the way, baby. Not only have these young ladies provided us with great material in the past (“Heels. PRETTY HEELS.”), but their Rush video hits all the right notes: Snarky Rumpus editors, child brainwashing, Southern accents, sophomores I’ve been in section with, fur, sequins, an awkward unintentional flashing at 5:04, and of course, a “hey guys I heard you were stressed so I bought some cake and Diet Coke!!!!”? Check!

The cute slideshow at the end definitely seals the deal. At the risk of incineration at the hands of Theta’s energy balls, we’re confident in declaring: PPL 4eva guyz!

This is actually really sad news; I just haven’t gotten tired of using the “x. PRETTY X” formulation for Cornell news yet.

What a long, strange trip it’s been. I mean, right?

Thankfully, we’re nearing the end of it all. The Pi Phi Plastics have one more life lesson to impart — perhaps it’s many life lessons rolled into one category? Obviously, the main lesson is “obey what the rush chair is weird about!” but, you know, makeup and hair are important too.

What else is there we can say? This is the first time that the Pi Phi’s tips speak for themselves — they really saved the best for last. As the rush chair tells us, this topic is:

MY FAVORITE. These are life lessons so read carefully.

Aww, Pi Phis, you’re OUR favorites, and we’ve so enjoyed reading you ever so carefully. Don’t ever change.

Beautify your life after the jump!

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Our little scoop has caught some national attention (here too!). No wonder the Pi Phi President hung up on us today! Well, just remember, Pi Phis, no publicity is bad publicity — with a few notable exceptions.

To that end, here’s part three of the Pi Phi ladies’ fashion manifesto: accessories. The first two installments were relatable, in a Legally Blonde way: this rush chair just wanted everyone to look pretty. Which is good! We like pretty. As one commenter on a previous post said:

She is straightforward, not superficial and catty. She’s trying to bring the sisters to their fullest potential. How many times have you seen someone wearing something that does not flatter them at all? Like a girl whose stomach is falling out all over the top of her jeans?

Um, sure, okay. No fat chicks! We’ll co-sign the “fullest potential” part, at least. And apparently their guidelines are meant to make them look like successful businesswomen? Quoth another commenter:

these guidelines are just like guidelines you can find online about proper business wear

Right, because Ivy League students need to go on something called “online” to find guides for how to look businesslike. Without Wikipedia, I’d wear my belt around my forehead and my socks on my ears! I’d certainly never know, without the Pi Phis’ newsletter, that “charm anything” is gauche, because “we aren’t 5.” (That is, “unless I say it’s beautiful”!)

Yes, when it comes to accessories, our beloved rush chair — half Becky Sharp, half Cruella de Vil — uses the repeated “I’m weird about” construction to make sure everyone looks exactly like her. Don’t believe us? Check the part where she tells her sisters not to wear watches, despite the fact that watches, unlike “celebration rings,” are utilitarian:

Nothing that has indiglo or a timer on it is going to be present so forget it. I will have the time and keep you informed.

When is it time to drink the Kool-Aid, House Bunny? More pizzazz after the jump!

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The Pi Phi saga continues! Late last night, we received an email from Pi Phi’s chapter president, telling us that the emailed fashion guide for rushes did not originate within Pi Phi, and that,

Unfortunately, we are not a very fashion-conscious sorority, and we can be seen most days wearing sweatpants around campus.

Sorority girls: they’re just like us! But rush isn’t “most days,” and presumably anyone would want to look good in their own way. But the more stringent requirements of the document:

I’m going to be doing dress checks so have your outfits for each round completely figured out before you get to Ithaca

just don’t jibe with the chapter president’s representation. As to the question of the document’s veracity — it refers by name, and in a complimentary manner, to members of past pledge classes. Rushes, get ready for your dress checks: you better work!

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So this is how the Burn Book scene in Mean Girls happens! After this week’s post on Cornell’s strict guidelines for its aspiring sorority princesses, an anonymous tipster exclusively sent IvyGate six pages of fashion guidelines for aspiring rushes, from Cornell sorority Pi Phi’s rush chair. (By way of context, Pi Phi’s 2008-09 Executive Board is pictured at right.) It’s a document containing multitudes: sometimes it’s really encouraging!

“Blazers: Yes, please! I love a casual top with a cool boyfriend blazer over it.”

This encouragement to wear your best boyfriend blazer represents the promise of Pi Phi, whose mission statement indicates its goal:

“to promote friendship, develop women of intellect and integrity, cultivate leadership potential and enrich lives through community service.”

Most times, though, it is less than that! We applaud Cornell for making every one of our sorority stereotypes come so vividly to life (Pi Phi’s Cornell chapter President didn’t respond to our request for an interview last night, so we’re operating on a stereotypical basis and feeling good about it), and to the commenter who said, on our previous post:

“Sadly, there’s something especially fake and pathetic about many of the girls on East Hill these days. Fortunately, these are the same girls who really seek an MRS more than an MBA or MD.”

This is laying it on a little thick, naturally — especially given that these girls are trying to look good for one another, not for men. But judge for yourself! After the jump, we’ll begin our four-part serialization of the Pi Phi fashion guide, with one part of the beauty equation: clothing for the initial rounds of rush. And remember:

“If you’re wearing cheapo shoes, make sure they don’t look it.”

Viva la Pi Phi Plastics! Read on after the jump for more from the fashion KGB.

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