Everyone is getting into the college rankings game these days, and everyone - it seems - has the same goal in mind: to dethrone the juggernaut that is the U.S. News & World Report. But while students and alums of certain liberal arts colleges and lesser-known universities are probably reveling in Forbes.com's inaugural rankings, the newest kid on the block is unlikely to find much support among the non-Princeton Ivy set this year.

Of the 569 schools included in the rankings, here's how the Ivies stacked up:

1. Princeton
3. Harvard
9. Yale
10. Columbia
27. Brown
61. Penn
121: Cornell
127: Dartmouth

Brown at 27 already seems like a stretch, but Penn at 61, Cornell at 121, and Dartmouth at 127? How vulgar, indecent, cruel! Some quotes and commentary after the jump.

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• Columbia: "'Rooster’s breakfast' is Slovenian slang for 'early morning sex.'"
• Columbia: Madonna Constantine demonstrates inability to cut losses.
• Harvard: Oh Harvard kids, so goddamn worldly.
• Yale: Would you believe these kids and their hats?
• Princeton: Construction workers go overboard trying to take Princeton's gobs of money.
• Dartmouth: "An officer assigned to detail a Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority event at Everything But Anchovies arrested an underage male who brought liquor in a cup to the event." Gin and anchovies -- busted.
• Penn: Hillary Clinton owes everyone money.

Never one to beat around the sugarbush, The D continues its campaign of subliminal messaging via editorial error in today's web edition, where Claire Murray's column "A Conception of Contraception" contains the text of Zachary Gottlieb's "Rushing Girls," chronicling Mr. Woolfe's self-described "humiliating" love life.

This is extra-funny because Mr. Gottlieb is a bit notorious for less-than-PC humor when it comes to the womens. Today's column explains the parallels between getting chicks and rushing frats:

For a fraternity, men must charm brothers hoping to get a bid so that they can be physically and mentally abused for two months. Sound familiar, Jennifer? Kidding, kidding. But seriously, give me back my hair dryer.

Either The D made a boo-boo, or Ms. Murray has a wicked (arguably sick) sense of humor.

The D is like the little Ivy Daily that could. First, there was their peerless police blotter, then the whole cunnilingus affair, and now comes this thrilling narrative of crime and redemption sans redemption.

Technically, we already linked to Alex Howe's (D '08) article in Ragtime last week, but it was so good we decided it deserved a post of its own. Here's a representative excerpt from what I am calling a tour de force of drunken travelogue:

"On my way out, I saw two things I liked and took them with me: two bottles of $9.95 red wine and the Sunday New York Times. After I found the back door and fumblingly unlocked it, I stumbled into the New Hampshire night with wine in each hand and the Times in my armpit, bleeding onto my nicest clothes."

Bravissimo! We eagerly look forward to the next installment. 

After the jump -- the article in full.

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Testament to the inescapable ennui of attending college in Hanover, Dartmouth sophomore Aurora Wells' relatively tame column on cunnilingus has sent her college into uproar. The Dartmouth published one column today, two letters yesterday, and two columns on Tuesday protesting Ms. Wells' muffin-munching manifesto. Zachary Gottlieb '10 says the publication of "Aurora's Guide to Eating Out" suggests a double-standard due to the alleged rejection of his "How to Blow Me Like a Well-Trained High-Class Prostitute, Young '11 Girls" column. He continues,

I [also] consider myself an avid "cuntoisseur." For example, I only go down on women with a good vintage … anything from '37 or '45 has wonderful oak notes and a pleasant tannic bite.

Luckily for Mr. Gottlieb, we at IvyGate have no standards -- double or otherwise! Write it, Zach, and we will come. Pun fully intended.

But the letter-to-the-editor we really care about is from Aurora to us! After the jump, correspondence with Our Lady of the Pencil-Drawn Labia, and The D's ensuing attempt to hush it all up.

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Perhaps The Dartmouth's editors should have thought twice before putting the following headlines in the same issue:

• Aurora's Guide to Eating Out
  

• Sugarbush Farms: A Cheese Lover's Paradise

The former is a sophomore Aurora Wells' how-to on cunnilingus. The latter is worst coincidence possible given its proximity to Ms. Wells' guide to going down on the occasionally cheesy region of a woman that I shall henceforth refer to only as "sugarbush."

Aurora begins her column with a wave of the Dartmouth banner:

Listen up, freshmen: the rumors are true. You may, in fact, actually get laid in college. And if casual, inebriated encounters are what you're after, thank your lucky stars you were rejected from your first choice school.

Clearly she's has never been to Brown, skankiest Ivy of them all, where the Daily Herald's weekly Post obliterates the sugarbush-munching competition in quality and quantity. Unlike the Post's myriad guides, Wells' is relatively straightforward and not nearly as titillating as we'd hoped. Except right here:

One female explains that she "likes the dry feeling of latex against her clit, like a tease." If it's a one-night deal, then it's just plain smart. And if not, well then it's only until you and your partner drag your asses to Dick's House and get tested anyway, right?

I doubt the existence of said "female" because I'm pretty sure nobody in the entire history of college has ever used a dental dam. But I digress from the real gem of this paragraph, which begs the question: Do people actually call Dartmouth's sexual health center "Dick's House"? Somebody needs to cover that Run-DMC song, stat.

Ms. Wells ends her column "May you be safe, get off, and maybe even find love along the way. Welcome to my column, and welcome to Dartmouth." Look out, Lena Chen: There's a new Carrie Bradshaw-wannabe in town.

UPDATE: Dartmouth freaks out, and Aurora reveals the racier parts of her bush-munching manifesto, deemed too dirty for D publication!

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The bizarre message above has greeted visitors to thedartmouth.com for at least the last 36 hours. We're not sure what Al Gore has to do with web-publishing a college newspaper, but here's a message to the commenter who complained Monday that we've been ignoring The D in RagTime: You're in charge of letting us know when the precipitation lets up. (Actually, a D staffer just gave us a sneak peak at the redesigned site, which looks like a snazzy improvement; they say it'll be up soon.)

Anyway, staring at this has inspired us to "investigate" (read: Wikipedia) something that has always jiggled the needle on our BS meter: The Dartmouth's claim that it is America's oldest college newspaper, founded 1799. It just seems off, just like the way they call their top editorial board "the directorate." (Really.) Wiki says that...

...the Hanover newspapers existing then are unconnected to a monthly literary magazine that students established around 1843, which is the publication that evolved into the current paper. For that reason, The Dartmouth currently (2006) states that it is in its 163rd volume.

Guh? Clearly we are gonna need more info than this. Can anyone who's familiar with Dartmouth history weigh in? Probably, there's no point to digging further -- this is an area in which the Yale Daily News says it's the "Oldest College Daily" (its alumni org is vomitously called the "OCD Foundation"); the Harvard Crimson says it's "the nation's oldest continuously published daily college newspaper"; and the Columbia Spectator claims "second-oldest" status, without noting who's first. Help us out, readers: who's lying least?

God damn it, now this is what the student dailies ought to be publishing all the time. In what can only be described as a prizeworthy feat of journalism, Dartmouth reporters Dan Duray and Phil Salinger have compiled the best of the year's police blotter. It includes such gems as:

May 21, Massachusetts Row, 1:08 a.m.
Police responded to a reported fight at Thayer Dining Hall. Upon investigation, the police discovered that two male students had been wrestling over a grilled cheese sandwich. Neither party was intoxicated or arrested.

Guess you have to make your own fun up in 03755.

Police Blotter: Best of 2005-06 [The Dart]