Thanksgiving! Who doesn’t love Thanksgiving? Granted, most of us only love it because of the bigass thirty-pound turkey and the family-size pumpkin pie, and the whole “giving thanks” part is just something our weird relatives make us do before we chow ourselves into a collective tryptophan coma. Yeah, yeah, thanks, whatever, let’s eat.
IvyGate, obviously, is above such frivolity. Pie? Bah. On behalf of dear old IG, your dear editors thought they’d let you know a few things they’re thankful for this year.
- The continued and emblematic egomania of the Ivy League – otherwise I’d be out of a job, y’know?
- My gloriously and unremittingly facetious co-editors Eve and Constance, who could snark the living hell out of a pineapple if they so chose.
- A traffic-free ride on the Long Island Expressway this evening … Ha. Ha Ha.
- The turkey and Doritos I will continue to down until I can’t breathe. (How many Four Lokos does it take to counteract all that tryptophan, I wonder?)
- Being able to fly home and see my family in the 14th most dangerous city in America.
- Going back and re-watching every Thanksgiving-related Friends and West Wing episode.
- No one groped me going through airport security.
- No one will ever mention Columbia’s “Social Experiment” ever again.
- The Tea Party for completely misunderstanding the concept/term of socialism, and thus making me chuckle.
- While I’m glad to live in a capitalist society today, I’m pretty sure the pilgrims did not almost destroy America with their socialism.
- HuffPost and Gawker for spreading the IvyGate message and validating our existence.
- Musical admissions videos of any kind.
- Four Loko may be working its way toward Class A contraband status, but it’s still perfectly legal to gorge oneself on cake soaked in rum during the holidays.
- Spam emails sent to our university accounts requesting our passwords, student IDs, social security numbers, favorite flavors of jam, and the five things we would bring with us to a desert island. Here’s a particularly tender one I found in my inbox the other day:
We the Yale.Edu has place in noticed that scammed have been sending you different type message In other for you to send them your user name and password that there problem you facing in your account.
Kindly forward to us your real Net id and password in other to enable us change your account setting as we ave done to the log in page.
Your response we await
- Oh, and while we’re on the subject, IG is really grateful for the penis enhancement emails that keep popping up on the tipline. How did they know???
- Frat boys continue to be frat boys (except when they don’t). Thank you, dear Greek system, for giving us stuff to write about on slow news days.
- Facebook users who change their names to something that in no way resembles what’s on their birth certificates. Because you think you know who your friends are, and then you discover that your sister’s middle name is actually “GuitarHeroBitchessss.”
- You marvelous commenters. We love that you’ll go to the trouble of registering on IvyGate for the sole purpose of writing, “This site suuuuucks.” Keep it up, guys!
Happy Thanksgiving! Until next week, homies.