A student at the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences has been the first to die of complications of swine flu in the recent outbreak on Cornell's campus. Warren Schor '11 of the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity passed away at the Cayuga Medical Center. He was 20 years old.

Although approximately 450 students have presented flu-like symptoms, a representative of the Cornell Flu Line stated in a phone interview yesterday that so far only two students had been conclusively diagnosed with H1N1. Vice President of Communications Tommy Bruce now reports that number at 520. Neighboring Ithaca College has reported at least 18 students are symptomatic.

The Cornell Sun reports that, at the behest of Gannett Health Services, the Inter-Fraternity Council had instated a weeklong moratorium on social events to help prevent the spread of the disease. But, due to a flood of flu-related visits, Gannett also has stopped scheduling routine appointments, so they may just be canceling frat parties to avoid the standard Sunday morning rush for Plan B.

After the jump, the administration's response: a lesson in hygiene.

UPDATE: Some have questioned whether it's appropriate to have jokes in the same post that acknowledges a death. No element of this post mocks the deceased or those grieving—in fact, any humor is directed at the administration and their lack of response that precluded the student's death. However, since we wrote most the post before the death, then updated it afterwards, the tone may now be off. It's our policy never to take down posts, but as a concession we've added a more somber picture and adjusted some language.

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Q: U Penn has a vet school? A: Not for long.

The School of Veterinary Medicine was founded when "West Philadelphia was still the countryside." You know, before Will Smith got there and ruined everything. The Pennsylvania government just cut $10 million of the vet school's funding from the state due to that whole recession thing.  Amounting to about 8.5 percent of the total budget, it's the second cut in six months. All these cuts come despite the fact the Government Accountability Office has noted a decline in the number of vets trained in caring for "food animals," and the rise in animal-to-human disease transmission. Now they'll never find the cure for Lena Chen's "swine flu."

This is such bad news that the staff of The Daily Pennsylvanian wrote an editorial demanding the state save the vet school. The staff blames Pennsylvania Governor and UPenn Trustee Ed "The Thing" Rendell for the cuts, accusing him of the mortal sins of favoring state schools and hating cows. An erstwhile Hillary Clinton supporter, this is the first time the latter argument has been made about Rendell.

While the Pennsylvanian staff is writing editorials, the vet students are writing letters to the state capital. It is likely the University's "government affairs office" will make more headway.

It's been a long time since we last checked in on IvyGate's best frenemy. Let's see what she's up to.

SERIOUSLY?! I can’t believe I actually have the swine flu.

That's odd, I didn't know swine flu was also tertiary syphilis. Any other afflictions?

I have stigmata, and it itches.

This doesn't have anything to do with the whole S&M thing, does it? Don't answer that. So, I heard you took a trip to D.C. recently. What did you think of my hometown?

The metro is clean, open late on the weekends, and extensive. Like particularly pleasant twats.

Yes, I believe that is how Frommer's described the Metro back in the guide's wild years. Well, we're almost out of time here. Care to share any of your views on dating that will not be shocking to anyone anymore?

I simply don’t believe that the logic behind banning first-date sex is … well, logical.

Word. See you in six months.

After Harvard Dental School closed last week when students started showing symptoms, reports came in yesterday that the number of Harvard-inspired cases has risen to eight. As the future career-related suicide risks enjoy no class while waiting for final word from the CDC, we're making the final call that the Dental School is officially the diseased red-headed step child of Harvard, trumping last year's scabies scare at the College.

Speaking of those Crimson Crazies, the Harvard Lampoon celebrated the hundred-year anniversay of the contruction of their funny little castle. The Lampoon semi-secret Sorrento Square Social organization that used to occassinally publish a so-called humor magazine—Yeah, I used to write for the Crimson, what about it?—exploded things and pissed of their neighbors per tradition. Nobody really knows what goes on inside the castle, but it definitely involved a confetti canon and a shitload of pyrotechnics.

Something strange is going on at Harvard, though. Amidst the apocalytpic 'Poon thang, a section of balcony from an adjacent building fell from the heavens to injure two repentent smokers (probably) hanging out below. On top of the female orgasm seminar and events we can't joke about, there might be a 28 Weeks Later sequel in the making in Cambridge.

The mild self-indulgence above could be read as a eulogy. To myself. If I get swine flu from the dentists. After the jump, a zombie movie about Marcel Proust made by Harvard kids, just because.

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Attention Elis: You may have already won the Swine Flu Clearinghouse! According to the Yale University Health Services, at least four patients are currently being treated for influenza A and awaiting test results from the Connecticut Department of Health, AKA Swine Flu Central.

While other schools seem to be sticking to the Cover Your Cough handbook, Yale looks like they might actually be taking this shit seriously. Because kids are dying. In Mexico. Accordingly, the Yale administration has put a stop on all funding to go to Mexico based on a campus-wide email that made it into our tip box. (Don't worry, students are going to go anyways. Chiapas is crazy this time of year.)

In an unexpectedly extreme move, Dartmouth is actually pulling kids out of Mexico. It looks like the 11 study abroaders at the Dartmouth Language School Abroad program in Cholula might not learn the subjunctive case after all. Hopefully they got in on the hot sauce manufactured there. You know, the one with the wooden top. IvyGate favorite, that is.

After the jump, a school-by-school report of the biggest health scare in the United States that doesn't really seem all that scary. But it's always fun seeing surgical masks in the street.

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