Cybill Shepherd isn’t just the star of Taxi Driver and a successful internet entrepreneur — and Elvis’s ex! — she also raised a Quaker who is maybe a criminal! Penn’s Under the Button, among other sources, reports 22-year-old Cyrus “Zack” Shepherd-Oppenheim, an undeclared crypto-senior [search "Shepherd-Oppenheim" and fall into an abyss of mystery]?, was arrested at Philadelphia International Airport after a flight back to school from San Francisco.

Weirdly, Shepherd-Oppenheim — can we call you Cybill Jr.? — is alleged to have stashed contraband in the plane’s restroom, after he stole various items from sleeping passengers’ carryons. That restroom, according to the scare-quote-y Daily Pennsylvanian included “money, a digital camera, paperwork and ‘travel folders.’” Maybe the folders included Susan Finkelstein’s Phillies spring training agenda? Either way, the passengers who were not asleep noticed Shepherd-Oppenheim’s night moves, because duh, and tipped off the flight crew.

According to the Pennsylvanian, Shepherd-Oppenheim is currently awaiting a court date in Philadelphia; hopefully it won’t affect his new semester, and his eventual declaration of a major. Maybe from now on he can just steal scarves and computers from the library, like normal Ivy League students.

Things were looking up for former Wharton student and recent Columbia temp employee Chris Clemente in September 2005. For one, Clemente, 37, had just been released from prison after serving 15 years for heroin and weapons possession. But even better than his freedom–he allegedly discovered a new and promising illegal scheme! A friend tipped Clemente off to an MTA machine that was malfunctioning and giving out free fares, authorities said. Over the course of the next three years, Clemente and two others, Cary Grant (that’s his real name) and Lisa Foster Jordan, allegedly stole more than $800,000 worth of MTA money from this Penn Station machine.

In a New York Post article, an MTA spokesperson explains how this mechnaical error probably happened:

The odds of [the suspects] stumbling on this were astronomical,” MTA spokesman Jeremy Soffin said. The scenario “would only happen if you used an active debit card but had insufficient money in your account and it was from a smaller, nonlocal bank.

In other words, if you were broke and had an account at a nontraditional bank, you too could have taken advantage of the MTA.

What could have possibly brought these three down? According to this Post article, it was a “routine agency audit.” Yeah, I guess an audit conducted every three years is kind of routine.