I have yet to encounter an Ivy Leaguer who is majoring in sex, and yet it goes without saying that our high-minded intellectual pursuits typically fall to wayside when a pursuit of another kind fills our $50,000-per-semester brains. According to the Kinsey Institute, 54% of men have sex on the brain everyday or several times a day, along with 19% of women. And among undergrads, 98% of men masturbate, as do 44% of women. The numbers don’t lie (though some of the women in this study obviously do).
But fear not, lusty co-eds, all your desires for stimulating sexual studies can be satisfied just the way you always wanted them—in a lecture. Today, four of the Ivy League’s most infamous sex columnists will gather at Cornell to “Bare All” in a panel so named. But despite the event’s title, I expect that like many descriptions of sexual happenings at Ivy campuses, it cannot be taken at face value—and that the panelists will indeed be wearing clothes.
In this, as in any lecture within an Ivy’s hallowed halls, you’ll want to know you’re being taught by the experts. Cornell’s columnists apparently lack last names, though seeing as they will be seen at this panel their identities will be revealed soon enough. We can still scrutinize their credentials, though. While these panelists might not have Ph.D.s, here’s Cornell columnist Jeff K.’s resume:
I have been blessed with the opportunity to sleep with girls. Many, many girls. I’m not going to give you my laundry list or show you my bedpost (which is notched like a saw), but it’s probably more than you think for a skinny Jewish kid from Long Island.”
Congratulations to you, Jeff. Also representing Cornell, past columnist and lover “of sluttin’” Jenna B. will be coming to you with her famously differently sized breasts (“No, seriously — my left neener is a C cup and my right is an A cup,” she reports). And to all you hopefuls out there, Jenna says:
“Suddenly I opened my eyes one day and realized it: I’m in a serious relationship. … with peen.”
Next on this list of people who didn’t win a Truman Scholarship this year is Claire Gordon of Yale. She appears to enjoy discussing penises if not the penises themselves: “The cult of the penis is a construct, a lie, a dangerous and destructive myth.” Perhaps Gordon should have gone to Barnard, where the edifice of the Cult of Our Lady Parts is now open for business (so to speak).