The Ivy League sex column is a lot like the Ivy League in general: an opportunity to brag about oneself and boss others around. Take Cornell’s newest columnist—a sex columnist—who now writes a Daily Sun column about having sex in middle school, high school, and college, with an inscrutable potpourri of late-90’s lingo and Puritan euphemism:

The choreography was becoming natural: This hand here, that hand there, this happens now, this feels good for me, that feels good for him, fun, fun, tra la la, aaaaand finish! Easy. Familiar. Repeat.

Later:

So that was it. I did lesbian sex! And while I am by no means an expert, I am proud of the progress I have made. I’ll leave the strap-on saga for a later date, as I am not sure that many other experimenters will venture that far.

Haha! Strap-on. She said strap-on! Guys, look. Strap-on. Meanwhile, at the the newly Sex Week-less Yale, Maria Yagoda (pictured) insists that all men are really bad at sex, so there.  Read the rest of this entry »

Earlier this month, Trojan released its 2011 Sexual Health Report Card, which ranks colleges based on factors like how many free condoms you can pilfer from campus health services without getting noticed. While some Ivy Leaguers are not known for, let’s say, getting laid, our schools have made sure that we will be very safe in the circumstance that sex does happen to us.

Let’s take a look at the results:

• According to Trojan, Columbia, where students can Ask Alice how to get rid of hickeys and where to pump breast milk on campus, is the #1 most sexually healthy campus in the nation for the second year running.
• Brown, the birthplace of naked parties, comes in 4th, up one from 5th last year.
• Princeton, eager to get behind last year’s “gentlemen’s sex competition“, has improved its ranking from 8th to 3rd, sending a signal to students that any subsequent stately sexcapades shall be seriously safe.
• Harvard fell from 16th to 30th.
• Yale and Cornell held pretty steady, at 14th and 17th respectively.
• Penn fell, from 38th to 42nd.
• After falling sixty-one spots in 2010, from 19th to 80th, Dartmouth is up slightly to a pretty unimpressive 67th.

View the official press release with the complete rankings here.

Editor’s note: A previous version of this post incorrectly published rankings from 2010. Our bad.

Fox News, you never get old.

At least, not here at Columbia, you don’t.

You’ve criticized everything from our dangerous liberalism to our purported “heckling” of a student-veteran during ROTC hearings (which you reported on twice and switched around the wording the second time to…keep us on our toes?). You never fail to amaze us with your insight, and we’re so glad you like us as much as we like you. And we’re especially glad that you finally decided to get down and dirty with us, because it’s been a while since that little S&M story.

And by that we mean, it’s really flattering that you think we’re cool enough to be having sex.

It all began with this video, and this video for some reason or another began with a discussion of out-of-state voting for college students. Next came the transition into you-know-what, which was as appropriately awkward as the thought of intercourse between two Columbia students: “Besides voting,” said the anchor, “something else college students do on campus: They hook up.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Remember the time that Cornell students were all awkwardly in-our-faces about how much sexy sex they had with their vag rings and pink betties? (Oh wait. That was yesterday.) Judging from this Valentine’s-Day-themed page at the official site for Cornell alumni, they’ve got a lot of sexy sexless babymaking to look forward to.

The page invites Cornell alums to share their “Big Red Love stories” about other Cornell students. Big red love sounds like the kind of love you should probably see a doctor about, because it might turn out to be chlamydia. But for anyone who still thinks that Cornell sweats are the world’s most effective chastity belt, we now have real evidence that not all of them die virgins alone:

Priscilla and I were both new Freshmen when we met during orientation. We stayed in the same dorm and always had a connection. That connection blossomed into a wonderful relationship and we have now been married for almost 10 years. Our first date was on Valentine’s Day when she invited me to a movie and bought me a Ring Pop. To this day, we watch The Wedding Singer on Valentine’s Day and reminisce about our first date 13 years ago in Ithaca.

How quaint and 1990 of them. We haven’t used Ring Pops as sex toys since the third grade, but hey, we were advanced for our age. Or this one:

I was struggling with my German class and knew Nate was also taking German. I innocently asked if he would be my tutor and he not so innocently agreed. After a few tutoring sessions we starting hanging out more. Nate being a Vermont boy and me a city girl I asked if he would take me on a night walk to see some deer. Lucky for him we spotted some on the golf course near North Campus. And that is where it all began. We have been married 7 1/2 years and have a 2 1/2 year old son who only cheers “Go Cornell” no matter what sporting event he is watching and no matter which teams are playing (usually not Cornell at all).

Attention world: if someone ever asks you to go on a long walk in the middle of the night in a forest to go “see some deer,” bring mace. At least they’re raising their son to be a good Cornell student–he’ll know how to cheer for nonexistent victories, which is indispensable.

One thought predominates when we read this stuff: Christ on a bagel, are we supposed to be meeting the loves of our lives right now? Why are we in our sour little rooms writing this crap when we could be having big red love? …And then we remember that there’s nothing to do in Ithaca but go on long deer-watching walks, and we feel better.

A tipster sent us this video entitled ”I bickered  Cottage.” Cottage is one of ten eating clubs at Princeton. (Apparently, bickering it felt so good.)

As a whole, the video is half extremely bad rendition of SNL’s digital short – “I just had sex,” and half Q&A session of why one would ever consider bickering an eating club, in particular Cottage. The reasons given for bickering range from the rather unoriginal and expected Cheer’s theme song response of “It’s where everyone knows my name” to the insightful observation that the girls “have nice tits and nice asses.” 

No member of Cottage would respond to our multiple requests for a comment over this past weekend.

However, our tipster told us his opinion of the video:

All I would say is that people wonder why those who think Princeton should be about diversity and inclusiveness have a problem with the bicker clubs. This is why.

What do you think? Is this just a quirky and innane project or does it reveal some deeper insight into the nature of eating clubs at Princeton? Leave your reactions below in the comments.

Many have been raised on notions that the Ivy League breads fine gentlemen. However, in the past year, it has become apparent that most men of the Ivy League don’t know how to properly treat a lady. Meg Whitman’s sons break women’s ankles and yell racial expletives, and Yale’s DKE chants that no actually means yes.

Most recently, a trio of ’05 Princeton men has perfected the art of offending not only women, but essentially everyone else on the planet. Meet Robert and his two pals – Adam and Ian.  According to Jezebel, the three were involved in “a  contest they are having where they’re trying to sleep with as many women as possible.” In their email header, they referred to the contest as “The List.”

In addition, John Robert is alleged to be  an employee of the State Department as a Foreign Service Officer at the US Embassy in London.  Adam and Ian also have a blog entitled “Let’s go yachting!”

IvyGate planned on delivering commentary on various aspects of the email. Unfortunately, we were filled with too much revulsion over the racism and sexism to judge which statement was the most offensive.  We’ll keep it with this – KEEPIN’ IT CLASSY in the ironic you buy the New York black lottery classy. You’ll have to judge the rest for yourself.

However, the whole mess does raise this question – do all men of the Ivy League regard their female peers in the same fashion? 

You would have thought the Brooks Brother’s How to be a Gentleman series would’ve have worn off on them.  You have these three to thank for substantiating the stereotype that the Princeton man is a misogynist racist always with a drink in hand and his butler/caddy never far behind to hand him his precious yacht keys. 

Read the full email correspondence after the break. 

Read the rest of this entry »

IvyGate took a little time off last month as we transitioned from one set of editors to another. Which is too bad, because while we were on recess Dartmouth went halfway to crazy town.

First there was that whole episode with the terrifying, Guns N Roses date-rape medley. Then there was the Keystone “rotunda sculpture.”

Most notable, though, has to be senior Mayuka Kowaguchi’s Orchid Project, a.k.a. THAT WEIRD MIRROR THING.

In Kowaguchi’s own words:

Originally titled “Hey Hey to your Vajayjay”, the Orchid Project was my final project proposal for Sexperts training. (Sexperts is a peer-advising group on campus that promotes and informs on sexual health and pleasure.) Tomorrow [Oct. 18], all the women on campus this term will receive a mirror with a note attached, encouraging them to use the mirror to look “down there.” My hope is that this will provide an opportunity for each woman to become more familiar with her body and in particular, with the female genitalia.

1,796 mirrors in total were distributed, funded by Dartmouth’s Office of Pluralism and Leadership (OPAL), along with a note directing recipients on how to, uhh, use them.

Kowaguchi followed up the stunt with a series of discussions and an op-ed piece in the Dartmouth to further elaborate on the meaning and motivations behind the project.

More than 20 campus organizations supported the project. College president Jim Yong Kim called the initiative “courageous.”

Not unexpectedly, though, backlash ensued. Some, such as a commenter on the Dartmouth website, viewed the project as patronizing, others an in-your-face show of sexual profligacy. Others still were mainly just weirded out.

Columnist Grace D’Arcy called the note disrespectful and offensive to people of faith, pointing out one line from the Orchid Project literature in particular. Kowaguchi used the phrase, “to shift [women’s] perspective from the expectations and limitations of belief patterns, societal cultural or religious conditioning,” when describing her aims for the project.

Quoth D’Arcy: “If the Orchid Project’s main goal was to encourage consideration, what possessed them of the idea that a direct attack on all faiths was the way to do that?”

IvyGate got in touch with Kowaguchi after D’Arcy’s column ran. The Dartmouth senior said the project was not meant to disrespect anyone’s beliefs, nor to advocate an agenda of sexual liberation. Nor, she emphasized, to be indiscriminately mean about religion:

I respect everyone’s personal values and beliefs. But reflecting on my own experience, I have found that sometimes our surrounding social structures have a greater influence on us than we realize. I’d like people to think about why a mirror, an anatomical region of the human body, and the topics of health and pleasure cause so much controversy, causing some to call the project “offensive.”

Speaking for the men in attendance,  I’ll just cautiously nod and say “the more power to ya” as I back slowly away from the conversation.

• 
• Harvard: Crimson writer details crippling addiction to 5-Hour-Energy.
• Harvard: Authorities stop just shy of calling in the Seals, as seven police departments and the U.S. Secret Service join forces to apprehend a mugging suspect.
• Yale: Alumnus George W. Bush’s presidential memoir — Kanye, dog poop, some other stuff that didn’t really matter.
• Dartmouth: Columnist tells everyone to stop being such prudes.
• Cornell: Columnist tells everyone about her tiny penis.

The anonymous matchmaking service GoodCrush – which has already confirmed the social/sexual-awkwardness of the Ivy League and falsely raised the hopes of thousands checking the web in common locations — will soon face the axe. The news comes to us straight from the site’s Princetonian founder, Josh Weinstein. Backstory, in the words of the mensch himself:

One day during sophomore year, I was walking in front of the campus center when an idea hit me — there needs to be an easy way to offer my peers (read: myself) a risk-free way of expressing a crush wherein their (my) identity is only revealed if there’s a match. It was then that I built the “CrushFinder.”

The Xanga-esque, tween-angsty service is to be replaced by something “bigger and better,” which we can only hope will anonymously facilitate relationships that are “bigger-and-better” than hook-ups: professor-student, doctor-patient, organ-donor-donee ,Princetonian-entrepeneur-and-HuffPost-columns, etc. That said, did anyone really find love — or even a one-night-stand — on the site, or was it just filled with inside jokes, people posting about themselves, and gems like:

Your beauty is so radiant it’s like you have eight legs. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Gates, Zuckerberg… Weinstein? Or will he just get GoodCrush-ed by the Ivy League’s low, low brand loyalty? Only time will tell.

Apparently, this guy isn’t the only sexhog twiddling his thumbs for some online company (amongst other appendages). Thanks to Under the Button, we now know that professors are in on this whole “world-wide-web-is-for-more-than-just-Proquest” thing too, especially those burning with the Jungle Fever. We’ll let you read this for yourselves: