The real reasons Harvard kids don’t date

This week at #AspenIdeas, former Harvard hall co-master (and current Yale Child Study Center lecturer) Erika Christakis talked about how Harvard students aren’t dating. A bunch of non-college students on the panel then set about debating why college students aren’t conforming to their standards and telling us how, once again, us dumb millennials are doing something wrong.

Tired of letting old people speak for us, IvyGate came up with a list of the real reasons Harvard students aren’t dating in the “traditional” sense:

  • There’s no grade inflation in first impressions.
  • Chances of ending up in someone’s tell-all memoirs a few years down the road are too high.
  • You assholes keep telling us millennials aren’t serious enough so we’re focusing on serious things like class and shit instead of dates.
  • Still waiting on line at a final club.
  • That emo phase in middle school really drained us.
  • Storing up on care-free sex while the school still pays for birth control.
  • Only understand “romantic” in literary terms.
  • The Cambridge Panera is always too crowded for dates.
  • Can’t figure out if “having it all” means having a husband or having lots of casual sex.
  • Rebelling against helicopter moms.
  • The Winklevoss twins do not look like Armie Hammer in real life.

But the real reason Harvard kids aren’t going on dates? They’re too used to thinking once you get in you don’t have to expend any more effort.

JUST SAY YES, YOU’RE MAKING US ALL LOOK BAD

This week on the venerable HuffPost Live, user “gaydood” asked a hard-hitting question: “is sex better at better universities?” Rather than making the correct response of “yes of course! So much good sex all the time always forever!” participants Donny J. of Cornell and Margot Harris of Brown succeeded in perpetuating the Ivy League image of nerds clumsily bumping uglies. They grew immediately uncomfortable and tried passing the question off to each other, with Harris finally claiming she didn’t have enough experience with other schools to have a particular theory. Thanks a ton, guys.

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Naked Girls In The Columbia Library

There’s just something about porn and Ivy League libraries. First there was the camgirl in Cornell’s Law Library and now Columbia’s Butler Library plays host to a very NSFW art film called “Initiation.” Sorry, INITIATIØN.

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Yale Students Have Sex, According to Playboy

Playboy Magazine, the foremost authority on sex, has named Yale University as one of the colleges with the “Best Sex Life”. We assume they’re referring to your regular ol’ mom-and-pop sex; no word yet on what the gays are up to (yet!). But if we’re to believe the old “1 in 4″ adage, they’re doing pretty well for themselves. [Ed: It was 1 in 3 the last time we checked heard.]

But what does this mean? Playboy doesn’t really explain the methodology behind their “Best Sex Life” rankings, so we can only guess at how they arrived at such groundbreaking analysis. Are they referring to frequency of sexual encounters? Quality of coitus? Riveting and engaging pillow-talk? Have Yale students finally learned their lesson from Maria Yagoda?

That noise you hear is the collective wail of virgins crying in the library.

Cornell Learned About Sex Last Night on MTV (And What We Learned About Cornell From MTV)

Every week on MTV, Savage U follows sex columnist Dan Savage as he explores the local sex scene at a different college or university, doling out advice to hapless and confused undergrads. Last night viewers were treated to a look at the sexual lives and questions of Cornell, an Ivy League school where “sex in the library is almost as common as studying in it.”

MTV, you had us at library.

According to the show’s website, at Cornell, “The student brainiacs may have all the answers in the classroom, but when it comes to sex and relationships they could use a few pointers.” Zing! At an open forum on campus, Savage fields queries about vibrators and blue balls, and, in the words of the sex columnist, the ultimate “Ivy League” question: “Is it violating a woman’s rights to think about her when masturbating?” (Answer: No, unless you get all creepy and ask permission beforehand.)

Savage also traverses all over Cornell’s scenic and sunny(ish) campus talking one-on-one with students, from the sprawling Arts Quad, to engineering hot spot Duffield Hall, and to Rulloff’s, Collegetown’s classiest bar. From on the street/in a bar interviews with real Ivy Leaguers, we learn that Cornell is a “hookup culture” and to shock people, you don’t need to flunk a class as Savage suggests, but rather, “be in a monogamous relationship.” Yeah, that’s right, Cornell goes hard.

Click through to see a couple of other tidbits we and everyone watching MTV at midnight on a Tuesday learned last night about what makes Cornell, Cornell, and to watch the Ivy League’s sexual moment in the sun. Read the rest of this entry »

Ivy League Sex Columnists: Have Lesbian Sex or No Sex

The Ivy League sex column is a lot like the Ivy League in general: an opportunity to brag about oneself and boss others around. Take Cornell’s newest columnist—a sex columnistwho now writes a Daily Sun column about having sex in middle school, high school, and college, with an inscrutable potpourri of late-90’s lingo and Puritan euphemism:

The choreography was becoming natural: This hand here, that hand there, this happens now, this feels good for me, that feels good for him, fun, fun, tra la la, aaaaand finish! Easy. Familiar. Repeat.

Later:

So that was it. I did lesbian sex! And while I am by no means an expert, I am proud of the progress I have made. I’ll leave the strap-on saga for a later date, as I am not sure that many other experimenters will venture that far.

Haha! Strap-on. She said strap-on! Guys, look. Strap-on. Meanwhile, at the the newly Sex Week-less Yale, Maria Yagoda (pictured) insists that all men are really bad at sex, so thereRead the rest of this entry »

When it Comes to Healthy Sex, Most Ivies Get on Top

Earlier this month, Trojan released its 2011 Sexual Health Report Card, which ranks colleges based on factors like how many free condoms you can pilfer from campus health services without getting noticed. While some Ivy Leaguers are not known for, let’s say, getting laid, our schools have made sure that we will be very safe in the circumstance that sex does happen to us.

Let’s take a look at the results:

  • According to Trojan, Columbia, where students can Ask Alice how to get rid of hickeys and where to pump breast milk on campus, is the #1 most sexually healthy campus in the nation for the second year running.
  • Brown, the birthplace of naked parties, comes in 4th, up one from 5th last year.
  • Princeton, eager to get behind last year’s “gentlemen’s sex competition“, has improved its ranking from 8th to 3rd, sending a signal to students that any subsequent stately sexcapades shall be seriously safe.
  • Harvard fell from 16th to 30th.
  • Yale and Cornell held pretty steady, at 14th and 17th respectively.
  • Penn fell, from 38th to 42nd.
  • After falling sixty-one spots in 2010, from 19th to 80th, Dartmouth is up slightly to a pretty unimpressive 67th.

View the official press release with the complete rankings here.

Editor’s note: A previous version of this post incorrectly published rankings from 2010. Our bad.

Fox News Talks Sex, Ivy League Style; Students Everywhere Cringe in Horror

Fox News, you never get old.

At least, not here at Columbia, you don’t.

You’ve criticized everything from our dangerous liberalism to our purported “heckling” of a student-veteran during ROTC hearings (which you reported on twice and switched around the wording the second time to…keep us on our toes?). You never fail to amaze us with your insight, and we’re so glad you like us as much as we like you. And we’re especially glad that you finally decided to get down and dirty with us, because it’s been a while since that little S&M story.

And by that we mean, it’s really flattering that you think we’re cool enough to be having sex.

It all began with this video, and this video for some reason or another began with a discussion of out-of-state voting for college students. Next came the transition into you-know-what, which was as appropriately awkward as the thought of intercourse between two Columbia students: “Besides voting,” said the anchor, “something else college students do on campus: They hook up.”

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Cornell Students Fall In Love, Things Get Big and Red

Remember the time that Cornell students were all awkwardly in-our-faces about how much sexy sex they had with their vag rings and pink betties? (Oh wait. That was yesterday.) Judging from this Valentine’s-Day-themed page at the official site for Cornell alumni, they’ve got a lot of sexy sexless babymaking to look forward to.

The page invites Cornell alums to share their “Big Red Love stories” about other Cornell students. Big red love sounds like the kind of love you should probably see a doctor about, because it might turn out to be chlamydia. But for anyone who still thinks that Cornell sweats are the world’s most effective chastity belt, we now have real evidence that not all of them die virgins alone:

Priscilla and I were both new Freshmen when we met during orientation. We stayed in the same dorm and always had a connection. That connection blossomed into a wonderful relationship and we have now been married for almost 10 years. Our first date was on Valentine’s Day when she invited me to a movie and bought me a Ring Pop. To this day, we watch The Wedding Singer on Valentine’s Day and reminisce about our first date 13 years ago in Ithaca.

How quaint and 1990 of them. We haven’t used Ring Pops as sex toys since the third grade, but hey, we were advanced for our age. Or this one:

I was struggling with my German class and knew Nate was also taking German. I innocently asked if he would be my tutor and he not so innocently agreed. After a few tutoring sessions we starting hanging out more. Nate being a Vermont boy and me a city girl I asked if he would take me on a night walk to see some deer. Lucky for him we spotted some on the golf course near North Campus. And that is where it all began. We have been married 7 1/2 years and have a 2 1/2 year old son who only cheers “Go Cornell” no matter what sporting event he is watching and no matter which teams are playing (usually not Cornell at all).

Attention world: if someone ever asks you to go on a long walk in the middle of the night in a forest to go “see some deer,” bring mace. At least they’re raising their son to be a good Cornell student–he’ll know how to cheer for nonexistent victories, which is indispensable.

One thought predominates when we read this stuff: Christ on a bagel, are we supposed to be meeting the loves of our lives right now? Why are we in our sour little rooms writing this crap when we could be having big red love? …And then we remember that there’s nothing to do in Ithaca but go on long deer-watching walks, and we feel better.

Why did you bicker Cottage?

A tipster sent us this video entitled “I bickered  Cottage.” Cottage is one of ten eating clubs at Princeton. (Apparently, bickering it felt so good.)

As a whole, the video is half extremely bad rendition of SNL’s digital short – “I just had sex,” and half Q&A session of why one would ever consider bickering an eating club, in particular Cottage. The reasons given for bickering range from the rather unoriginal and expected Cheer’s theme song response of “It’s where everyone knows my name” to the insightful observation that the girls “have nice tits and nice asses.” 

No member of Cottage would respond to our multiple requests for a comment over this past weekend.

However, our tipster told us his opinion of the video:

All I would say is that people wonder why those who think Princeton should be about diversity and inclusiveness have a problem with the bicker clubs. This is why.

What do you think? Is this just a quirky and innane project or does it reveal some deeper insight into the nature of eating clubs at Princeton? Leave your reactions below in the comments.