Never have I ever played a lame-ass drinking game with cups of water and had my college tell me that it was totes against the rules.  But that’s because I don’t go to Dartmouth.  A recent Time magazine article entitled “The War Against Beer Pong,” describes the demise of Wii’s upcoming Beer Pong game, part of their new line of “Frat Party Games” (what’s next–Superman That Ho?).   Apparently, haters took issue with the word “beer,” and now the game is set to be released as Pong Toss, with party cups full of water instead of brewskis.

As ridiculous as this sounds, the banning of beer pong is not so far removed from our own ivy-covered buildings.  The article cites Yale and the University of Pennsylvania as schools that now ban drinking games because, evidently, your R.A. will magically know when you and your roommate watch Ocean’s Eleven and do a shot of Stoli every time Brad Pitt’s character eats or drinks something.

I mean, I get it, drinking games are a way for people to get drunk, but if they really want to wake up the next morning with a pounding headache, won’t students just…get drunk anyway?

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Oh, Facebook. Why must you, like the girl in my English seminar who eats her feelings, return from Summer Break twice as wide as when we last parted? New Facebook, you are not hot. Not even a little bit, and Bwog agrees with me. Per Bwog: “A preference of New Facebook is no longer an acceptable option for anyone, ever.”

But fear not, Facebook-addicted Ivy Leaguers: the fattening of Facebook will seem insignificant compared to the impending loss of Scrabulous. The apocalypse is nigh! Sweet baby Jesus, hear our collective cry: “Please, God, I have so little: Don’t take Scrabulous, too!”

And, to make matters worse, as I sat at my desk with tears rolling down my cheeks, panic swelling beneath my Barnard T-shirt, no fucking clue as to how I would survive next year, I came across a gem of an article on TheDartmouth.com which can only have been written by a Facebook atheist.

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