Sing muse, of the man of twists and turns! Whose pretentious prose and panlist antics have started just the kind of political scandal that we Ivy Leaguers love to hate. The man in question is Arthur Matuszewski: a well-meaning Brown Undergraduate Council of Students Presidential candidate, prone to flowery missives and a hyperactive send key. The story is long and hilarious, so we’re going to serialize.
We begin yesterday, a sunny Brunonian day, much like any other. Our prez-hopeful protagonist Arthur sits down at his computer, opens a new message, and titles it “A personal statement.” We can only assume that he next consumed a considerable quantity of shrooms and/or adderall. For Arthur proceeds to jot down some of the most florid, uppity, and pompous campaign material we’ve yet seen, and sends it to about 550 people, all CC’d, creating what can only be described as a ‘panlist of doom.’ He oh-so-humbly includes Brown President Ruth Simmons and world famous African author Chinua Achebe (speaking at Yale today) in the address field.
The email itself? Epic, content-less, insane, utopian, Obama-esque? We’ll let you be the judge. On Brown:
What brought me here was the promise of a world where thoughts would come alive.
I love this place because it has taught me that a life well lived is one of usefulness and reputation and that, fundamentally, finding one’s own voice is as important as the myriad songs we could choose to sing.
On fun convos:
I have learned truly and immensely from each and every one of you what it means for me to be here. I’ve spent conversations short, long, profound and glorious — studying just what it means to listen raptly to a passing comment, a name, a notion of life just a little more splendid than the last.
And on his world-changing candidacy:
I am running for President of the Undergraduate Council of Students because I believe that we, as friends, must join together to affirm the reasons for our presence. In our words, our dreams and our actions we decide what kind of light we shall cast upon a world caught in so many shades of despair.
And our painfully ironic favorite:
So many of us have spent days and years fretting: what will this look like to others? What if they realize how little I know? How will I keep this up, how much longer can I last?
Well, clearly, Arthur didn’t spend too many days fretting about those questions. His hundreds of recipients didn’t seem to share his enthusiasm. Our tale continues after the jump, with full emails and responses.
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