EXCLUSIVE: This is the Hilarious Police Report of Hazing Whistleblower Andrew Lohse’s Drunken Rampage at Dartmouth’s Homecoming Bonfire

(We’ve decided to commence IvyGate’s Hell Week a little early.)

In the morning hours of January 24, Joseph AschDartmouth’s official bloggerposted an unedited draft of an upcoming Dartmouth column in which Andrew Lohse ‘12 alleges that his former fraternity, Sigma Alpha Epsilon, “forced” him to wade through human excrement, chug vinegar, and vomit upon his classmates. A few days later, The Dartmouth extinguished much of Lohse’s argument by changing every instance of “forced” to “asked.” Yet The Dartmouth maintained Lohse’s assertion that he was “implicitly encouraged to treat Dartmouth women with about the same respect with which we treated each other in our social spaces: none.”

Shocked as we were by Lohse’s story, nothing could prepare IvyGate for what we were soon told. Within hours of Asch’s post, IvyGate received a tip that Lohse had been arrested for throwing a chair at a female security guard sometime during Dartmouth’s annual Homecoming bonfire. IvyGate’s initial reaction was, of course, disbelief: Lohse is Dartmouth’s moral authority, and routinely demonstrates the integrity of his character.

Juicy though the tip was, our consciences overruled our instincts. We didn’t publish it. Still, we wondered: did Lohse actually lob a chair at a female security guard? And then later condemn, yet claim to be above, his fraternity’s maltreatment of women? The hypocrisy was almost too difficult for IvyGate to imagine.

Nevertheless, we dutifully filed a records request with the Hanover Police Department. To our total surprise and horror, the tip turned out to be true! A day after IvyGate HQ received Lohse’s protective custody report, Lohse pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct—a step sideways from Lohse’s earlier occasions of cocaine possession and witness tampering—for the incident in question. Our scoop was ruined—or so we thought, until we read the baffling, hilarious account of Lohse’s alcohol-fueled bender at Dartmouth’s Homecoming bonfire. It is bonkers.

Not to worry, though: on Friday, Lohse informed The Daily that, contrary to logic, the fact that he was arrested for and pleaded guilty to cocaine possession and witness tampering (and now disorderly conduct) was “totally irrelevant” to his credibility. Whew! 

The full text of the police report, after the jump :

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