Would you rather: Join the Penn Quidditch team? Sit through a Billy Joel concert? Or join Cannon Club for the low, low price of $850? Don’t worry, “none of the above” is a viable option. Here are your Tuesday headlines:
- Brown: Columnist urges us to embrace the present, by arguing that “there are few Jewish men who know how to truly satisfy, or at least that is what my friends say.” Wait … what? [Daily Herald]
- Columbia: GS student, an openly gay Air Force vet, reflects on the end of DADT. [Spec]
- Cornell: Gaudy bear statues? Bad. [Daily Sun]
- Cornell: Jaywalking crackdown? Worse. [Daily Sun]
- Cornell: Billy Joel concert? Absolutely the WORST. [Daily Sun]
- Dartmouth: Seniors drop resumes, while Andrew Lohse sits in a dark corner somewhere, feverishly typing an op-ed. [The Dartmouth]
- Penn: Quidditch jokes write themselves. Why even bother? [The DP]
- Princeton: Eating club begs for new members. [The Prince]
Stuff happened this weekend, most of which sounded pretty cool, even if nobody noticed. Here are your Monday headlines:
- Brown: If a dirty beat drops at Brown, but no one comes to listen, did it even really happen? [Daily Herald]
- Brown: The battle over ROTC rages on. [Daily Herald]
- Columbia: Spectrum bloggers have way too much free time on their hands. [Spec]
- Cornell: “Oh, haha, did I say I was robbed at knife-point? What I actually meant was the opposite of that. Sorry for the misunderstanding. No big deal, right? Right, officers?” [Daily Sun]
- Cornell: Drowning victim’s parents to Cornell: “For the life of us, we cannot fathom how you have been able to accept drowning after drowning and not have taken substantive action to put an end to these tragedies.” [Daily Sun]
- Harvard: This year’s iteration of “The Game” will feature less underage drinking, in theory — though probably not in practice. [The Crimson]
- Penn: Basketball players play basketball. Merriment is had by all. [The DP]
- Yale: America’s second horniest college freaks out about “Sex Week.” Campus leaders explain and address the controversy. (Oh, hi there Alex.) [YDN]
Everywhere we look, somebody is raging against something — whether its Iranian dictators or political correctness, peeing in public or paying bills promptly, and in full. Make the change you want to see in the world, people! (Or, you know, just make a Facebook group about it.) Here are your Thursday headlines:
- Columbia: Looks like someone never got the memo about those Ahma(dinner)jad invitations being rescinded. [Spectator]
- Cornell: B.o.B.’s manager finally pays $1,000 vodka bill, three days after the fact. And all it took was a major blog writing about it. Classy guy! [Daily Sun]
- Cornell: Columnist rails against police efforts to crack down on public urination. Fight the power, bro. [Daily Sun]
- Harvard: The Greeks, like kudzu, are gaining ground — inching ever closer to campus — and may soon soak up every last ounce of Harvard’s light-beer reserves. [The Crimson]
- Penn: Lebron James is coming to Philly this weekend for an event more hyped than “The Decision.” [The DP]
- Yale: “If Yale had a rape culture, there would be students and faculty speaking in favor of rape. Rape would be a common practice; it would be routine to hear someone talking about raping or being raped by someone last weekend. People would discuss what styles or methods of rape they prefer.” [YDN]
(Blog) shots have been fired. Animals are on the loose. Student government candidates are making really questionable music videos. And we’re tired already. It’s almost Thanksgiving, right? Right, guys? Ugh. Here are your Monday night headlines:
- Brown: Haters gonna hate. [BlogDailyHerald]
- Columbia: A horse escaped from its handlers in Morningside Heights yesterday afternoon. It was kind of like the beginning scene from “A Winter’s Tale,” except subbing out magical realism and snowcapped Manhattan scenery for the exact opposite of those things. [Spectrum]
- Columbia: Unclear whether or not these Columbia students grasp the concept of lip-dubbing. [Spectrum]
- Cornell: Chinese population at university doubles in four years. If someone makes an “Asian invasion” joke, feel free to glare and/or dole out appropriate physical punishment. [Daily Sun]
- Harvard: Alumni run against one another in Liberian presidential election. [The Crimson]
- Penn: University learns that even if you do build it, they still won’t necessarily come. That valuable lesson only cost $46 million. [DP]
- Yale: Oh, hi there Mike Huckabee. [YDN]
Conflict! Everywhere we look, somebody’s got beef with somebody else. We’ve got Brown liberals vs. ROTC; Brown conservatives vs. Brown liberals; Columbians vs. Columbia; Elizabeth Warren vs. Scott Brown; and Joe Lieberman’s jowls vs. gravity. Here are today’s headlines:
- Brown: Students raise a commotion over possible return of ROTC, imminent elimination of multiple athletic teams. [Daily Herald]
- Brown: It’s honestly remarkable it took this long for someone to write the semester’s first “Brown hates Republicans” column. [Daily Herald]
- Columbia: Morningside Heights is an inhospitable urban wasteland bereft of human warmth or kindness, apparently. [Spec]
- Cornell: This stream-of-consciousness narrative — set in a Subway franchise and weirdly critical of carbonated beverages — mostly just confuses the hell out of us. But in a good way? [Daily Sun]
- Harvard: Wonky law-school professor launches Senate bid against former Cosmopolitan model. Synecdoche. [The Crimson]
- Penn: “At an institution that constantly emphasizes the importance of building relationships with professional firms like Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley…I wonder if students increasingly overlook the value of building relationships with everyday people.” Well, what kind of bonuses do everyday people offer? [DP]
- Yale: Go away, Joe Lieberman. [YDN]
The weather has a message for those of you who were hoping to ease back into the fall routine. That message is, “Ha ha suckers.” Here are your Tuesday headlines:
- Brown: President Ruth Simmons threatens to hug every member of the class of 2015. [Daily Herald]
- Columbia: College appoints interim dean to take place of Moody-Adams. [Spectator]
- Columbia: Freshman blogger describes himself as “Horatio Alger on six cups of coffee a day” — which is absolutely terrifying. [Spectrum]
- Harvard: Crimson alum Jill Abramson becomes first female executive editor of “the nation’s arguably most prestigious daily newspaper.” Wait, that’s after The Crimson, though, right? [The Crimson]
- Yale: The News, meanwhile, casually humblebrags that Abramson taught classes at Yale. [YDN]
- Yale: Columnist admits what every Eli was secretly thinking: “I came because I thought getting into Yale magically made you awesome.” Then he complains about fire escapes. [YDN]
- Yale: Annie Le estate files wrongful death lawsuit against university. [YDN]
Only days into the semester, and already we’re up to our necks in criminality: Prison stints, meth labs, poop delinquents? Too much!
Here are the day’s headlines:
- Columbia: Harrison David, lead singer of boy-band/drug-ring “The Columbia Five,” has begun a three-and-a-half month prison sentence at Rikers Island. Good luck, buddy. [Spec]
- Cornell: POOP SCOOP! Authorities launch investigation to identity fugitive chair shitter. [Daily Sun]
- Cornell: Bill Nye? The best! [Daily Sun]
- Harvard: Rabies in a foreign country? THE WORST! [The Crimson]
- Penn: (Redesign #1) Out with DailyPennsylvanian.com, in with TheDP.com. A sleek new design befitting a school with an abundance of fascinating stories to tell. [The DP]
- Yale: (Redesign #2) The Daily News has a shiny, new outer shell. But what’s the underwear situation like these days? [YDN]
Another summer come and gone, and here we are again, probably still drunk, reading the same Ivy dailies that we were last May. Here’s to another year of higher education, hopefully filled with as much debauchery and nonsense as the last.
- Cornell: University institutes freshman ban on Greek functions, effective immediately. Greeks like “WTF!” [Daily Sun]
- Cornell: New sex columnists reflect on themes of Justin Timberlake film. [Daily Sun]
- Columbia: Blogger shocked to discover that Brooklyn is uncomfortable, far from everything, full of alcoholics. [Spectrum]
- Dartmouth: Columnist delivers rousing account of the classes she registered for this semester. [The Dartmouth]
- Penn: FLASH — Earthquake that caused minimal damage everywhere else also caused minimal damage in Philly. And thus, Penn remains the most unapologetically interesting Ivy. [The DP]
- Princeton: If the university bans freshman-year rush, but nobody notices, did it really even happen? [The Prince]
Phew. We’ve been on lockdown these past couple of days, prepping for finals and what not. As such, we were burning the midnight oil. You know: A lil’ Angry Birds. Some Sporcle. We watched like six episodes of Twin Peaks last night. Nice, low-key evening.
What do you mean, “Did we read the news?” Of course not. That shit puts us to sleep. What are you rambling about?
Wait, what? Who’s dead? Oh. Well, shit! Are people freaking out? Let’s check the Ivy dailies, I guess!
- Columbia: The Spec has a rundown of all the celebrations in New York, from Ground Zero to Times Square to Morningside Heights.
- Brown/Princeton: Nothing in the Herald or Princetonian, presumably because everyone at those schools hates America. [/Young Republicans]
- Harvard: One of the Crimson’s own dressed up for the occasion: “Dan J. Giles ’13 and Joshua R. McTaggart ’13, a Crimson Arts editor, stood in a Quincy common room in bright costumes as the Alice in Wonderland characters White Rabbit and Mad Hatter, respectively. They said they were on their way to the themed Adams House formal.” Sure, OK. On their way to a “formal.” Weirdos.
- Dartmouth: Students marched through the
quad Green with megaphones and banners, responding to the new’s of bin Laden’s death with an exuberant display of instantaneous catharsis. Wait, no … sorry. That rally was actually about sexual abuse. My bad.
- Penn: “The celebration continued following the conclusion of the speech, though it died down quickly, as students immediately went back to studying.” Wharton automatons shed one single, artificial tear before returning to more important matters, like that chapter on collateralized debt obligations.
- Yale: Sentence that tickles our fancy: “…Almost thirty people gathered in the Calhoun buttery to hear the unexpected news.”
- Cornell: Undergrads celebrated in the streets, as undergrads are wont to do. And the Ithaca Police, likewise, did what they do best: Issue noise violations.