Providence Police Try To Yank Brown’s Point-Blank Wanker

Brown students are all about sexual freedom, but sometimes it goes too far. Like when it’s happening outside their windows.

A “jerking Tom” has been capering around, wanking in yards among houses around Brown’s campus — prompting outrage, concern, and a few laughs. More than a few laughs. A lot of laughs. Heartwarmingly, there has also been sympathy. One junior who spoke to the Brown Daily Herald said she at first felt sorry that “he has no outlet for this sort of desire” — though it wasn’t too late before that sentiment turned to anger.

Indeed most people seem to be taking it a bit hard, which is a reasonable reaction. We at IvyGate are loathe to take things too seriously, but this is right at the line between harmless and actually serious. And the fact that he has gotten “within a foot and a half” of peoples’ windows is pretty unsettling.

Reason for relief: The ProPo are on the case, and searching for leads. At the same time, however, they face a fearsome foe of a fapper. Lt. John Ryan told the Daily Herald that the man “has been arrested about 22 times, which could be the reason he is now so good at evading capture.” If there’s anything scarier than a naked man running around masturbating, it’s a naked man running around masturbating well.