Professors in the Ivy League apparently are somewhat aware of the problems facing academia. You usually don't see them doing anything about it other than whining at conferences and writing editorial columns in the New York Times. Tenure is a great thing, sort of like being emperor of Rome while it burns down. No one's gonna stop your fiddling (or publishing).

Francis McLellan, a Brown Ph.D. and Princeton's former head Russian language instructor, evidently had a different experience as a senior lecturer than the professors did. Lecturers are to Princeton what migrant laborers are to, well, Princeton. And it seems as if four years of teaching elementary language made giving up women, possessions, and meat an attractive option for McLellan. In January he was tonsured Iosaf, a hieromonk in the Russian Orthodox Church. Now he's archimandrite of the Russian Ecclesiastical Mission in Jerusalem, a city just slightly less dangerous than Cambridge. Sexy monk results after the jump.
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Sometime around 3 p.m. on Monday, May 25th, the Ivy League was about to take over the men's lacrosse world. Cornell had pulled off a shocking upset of top seed Virginia two days earlier in the national semifinals, and they were leading no. 2 Syracuse in the national championship game. The Orange had closed the gap from three goals to one in the final four minutes of the game, but with less than thirty seconds to go, the Big Red had the ball.

Meanwhile, with Cornell a few seconds away from their first national championship in lacrosse since 1977, Princeton's men's lacrosse team was looking to start a dynasty next year. Although the Tigers lost to Cornell in the quarterfinals this year, Hall of Fame coach Bill Tierney had everything set up to dominate the Ivy League and possibly the national stage. Princeton boasted the top freshman defenseman and goalie in the country in Chad Weidmaier and Tyler Fiorito, respectively. Tierney was sure to add to the 14 Ivy titles and maybe even the six NCAA titles he won in his 22 years with the Tigers. Things were looking bright for the Ancient Eight.

And then, the Fail Pandas appeared.

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In a Daily Beast blog post, students, parents, and admissions officers share their advice for prospective students and parents regarding college visits. (Tour guides are not typical students? ZOMG!) But included among the "no duh" suggestions and Cornell student bitching is a juicy piece of Ivy League gossip. This less than subtle quote from an anonymous alum is listed as an example as why prospective students should "ditch their folks" on the tour:

“[There was] the tour of a certain Ivy League campus wherein a certain B-rate comedian turned almost-senator (and alumnus of said institution) huffed, sighed, squatted, and wisecracked his way through said tour—to his son’s chagrin, and everyone else’s disgust.” — a 2007 Yale alumnus

It's clear from the amount of information provided that this nameless Eli can neither provide a proper blind item nor accept the fact that Norm Coleman lost the Minnesota Senate election. However, this tidbit does produce some questions. Al Franken is a Harvard alum. His son Joe--seen here being embarrassed by his father back in 1999--attended Princeton and, just like anonymous Eli, graduated in '07. [Gasp!] DID HAVARD REJECT JOE FRANKEN CUZ HIS DAD IS LAME!? How could they do such a thing? The 1990s were his decade!

In a bizarre alternate universe, one where giant alien robots masquerade as roadsters and fighter jets, and where non-banker Ivy League twerps inexplicably manage to land hot girlfriends, Penn and Princeton are not rivals separated by state lines and forty-five miles, but constituent parts of the same university:

Twenty seconds into the newest trailer for Transformers 2, viewers are treated to a sweeping aerial shot of Princeton's campus. Immediately after that, there's ground level footage of Penn's Quad. There the mother of Shia LaBeouf's character spins around in a circle and says, "Look at this place - I feel smarter already. Can you smell it?"

"Yeah," her husband replies, "smells like forty thousand dollars a year."

Actually, it's more like fifty thousand. And does anyone know why Michael Bay decided to film on two separate campuses? We were baffled last year, and we still are.

This just popped up on the Daily Princetonian's blog, The Prox. This comment says it all:

I would boink half of them but still....ugh. Chest painting for Gym Class Heroes? Apples in Stereo were awesome.

I've heard this strange usage of the word "tool" bandied about and I've been waiting for an Ivy daily to publish a column explaining what it means. Finally, Cindy Hong, in "Taking a Peek in the Tool Shed," has cleared things up for me. According to Cindy, a tool is a person who engages in:

being fake, networking, pursuing finance, trying too hard, trying too hard not to look like you’re trying too hard

Cindy is quick to assure us she is not a tool, despite her various and acknowledged toolish affiliations: The Daily Princetonian, Wilson School, USG (Editor's Note: Cindy says these affiliations are toolish, not me. Though, I believe her.) Cindy writes:

“But I’m so cool and interesting,” I protested to my non-USG, non-Wilson School friends. “I listen to Neutral Milk Hotel and read David Foster Wallace.” These statements only confirmed their suspicions.

Yes, Neutral Milk Hotel is incredibly toolish (I'm not being sarcastic). After the jump, Cindy tells us why being a tool is actually a good thing. Read the rest of this entry »

Attention Elis: You may have already won the Swine Flu Clearinghouse! According to the Yale University Health Services, at least four patients are currently being treated for influenza A and awaiting test results from the Connecticut Department of Health, AKA Swine Flu Central.

While other schools seem to be sticking to the Cover Your Cough handbook, Yale looks like they might actually be taking this shit seriously. Because kids are dying. In Mexico. Accordingly, the Yale administration has put a stop on all funding to go to Mexico based on a campus-wide email that made it into our tip box. (Don't worry, students are going to go anyways. Chiapas is crazy this time of year.)

In an unexpectedly extreme move, Dartmouth is actually pulling kids out of Mexico. It looks like the 11 study abroaders at the Dartmouth Language School Abroad program in Cholula might not learn the subjunctive case after all. Hopefully they got in on the hot sauce manufactured there. You know, the one with the wooden top. IvyGate favorite, that is.

After the jump, a school-by-school report of the biggest health scare in the United States that doesn't really seem all that scary. But it's always fun seeing surgical masks in the street.

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All across America, Vermont's and Iowa's decisions to allow same-sex marriage were greeted with applause or indifference or mild grumbling. Vociferous protest there was not. Well, except for this hilarious video from the National Organization for Marriage, a group fronted Princeton professor of jurisprudence (Princeton has a law school?) Robert George:

This $1.5 million video (what production value!) has been mocked across the spectrum since its recent debut. Stephen Colbert got his shots in; Frank Rich referenced it in his last column; there have been YouTube videos since ordered down because the National Organization for Marriage claimed copyright infringement.

Graduation season is mostly fun because it includes reunion season and the chance to gawk at what you've become. This year Princeton '04 will celebrate becoming criminals. Or so their reunion costumes seem to suggest. Since the class is advertising the black and orange striped inmate jersey (and tennis dress for the LAYDEES!), we're pretty sure this is not a hoax.

The poor-taste poke at Ivy Leaguers' role in the current swarm of coniving does sort of sound like something Princeton kids would do, though. (Although one grad blog did call the class's "We plead the 5th" theme perverse.) With the recent online bigotry, consistent corruption scandals, and vintage elitism, the costumes actually seem kind of eerily self aware. It would be awesome as such if there weren't so many starving children in Tennessee--though the Frist kids are probably fine.

Speaking of Harrison Frist, we're dying to see if he might shed some light on the Kimberly Taggart, an '04 panelist representing Goldman Sachs at the reunion, since Frist used to work there. Even deeper, we're curious if she's the same Kim Taggart that models for Victoria's Secret. (We're skipping the giggly blow-job joke for legal reasons.)

If this indeed all true, we want pictures. In my Walker Evans fantasy, there will be a white-collar convict party, a dustbowl filled with cocaine, and a George Clooney look-alike singing bluegrass songs about strip clubs.

More pictures after the jump.

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Yesterday, the Daily Princetonian ran a story on the proportionally high use of Craigslist among LGBT students on campus to solicit sex. Published on the first day of Pride Week, the article included a discussion of how being gay and getting laid at Princeton is difficult, especially compared to Harvard and Yale. How is it so difficult to be gay at an Ivy League school that one must hustle to the darkest corners of t'Internet, you ask?

The privacy provided by online sites like Craigslist is one of their primary appeals, Peter said, noting that it can be “dangerous” for male students to make out with other guys on the Street.

“I’ve been kicked out of both Cottage and TI (by student ‘officers’ or at least people claiming to be officers) for dancing/making out with another male,” he explained. “The problem is, the Street (excepting Ivy and Terrace) provides a poor environment for meeting other guys. So you have to turn to other outlets.”

So Princeton students use Craigslist for their afternoon delights. That seemed cool. Until kids started commenting on the story. If comments on the Spec Giant Inflatable Penis-gate story were thoughtful, the banter from readers on the Prince's website is, well, passionate. Here's a mild example from "P10":

Gays will not rest until they've converted us all. Campus isn't welcoming of you guys??? Are you kidding me??? Half of my tuition goes to your moronic "support groups" that are listed every two days on Point. What else do you want me to do to make you feel "comfortable"? French kiss my roommates?

Leave us the crap alone. Do what you want in bed, but it's OKAY for us to be against overt gaydom.

More after the jump. Also the results of my personal Craigslist Manhunt.

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