Barely legal hottie Emma Watson (aka Hermione Granger, aka Harry Potter’s First Boner, in the movies about the kid whose penis is now available for public viewing on Broadway) toured Harvard yesterday and is now wandering the street of New Haven, according to students who spotted her this morning:

Saw her walking around with one of the head tour guides, and now she’s in the admissions office having an interview. Once I muster the courage (read: creepyness), I’ll take pictures from the bushes or save her from being run over by a bus or something.

In the absence of Miss Watson, Harvard has been entertaining a handful of other celebrities. An operative informs us:

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are currently at Harvard as well. Rumor has it that one of Demi’s daughters is looking to apply. And also JoJo was here like two weekends ago I’m just learning. As opposed to Emma and Demi’s daughter, she came just to party (allegedly) and was sighted at a couple final clubs.

Eh, who cares about Rumer or Bristol or whoeverthehell Ashton is awkwardly fathering these days. Let’s obsess about Hermione Granger a little more. Since Emma’s Grand College Tour appears to be heading south, we predict a Columbia appearance tomorrow (plus partying in NYC for the weekend?) and Princeton next week. Squeal!

Budding paparazzi, get your shutters ready. Next time, we want pictures.

People do stupid things on facebook all the time. Some people post pictures of themselves urinating, others tell Public Safety in advance when best to bust their parties, and still others join groups like “THE Princeton ‘11 Party Crew,” a self-proclaimed “elite few… who will hit the Street the moment orientation is over… [and] Party like a Champion.”

Then there are the people who write on “THE Princeton ’11 Party Crew’s” wall (backup):

I’m writing to inform you all that some of us in Southern California are so excited to party at Princeton that we already had a party. We had Bacardi, Bailey’s Irish Cream and several Coronas while bonfiring on the beach. It was great until it got broken up by the po’ and we almost got cited but the guy was pretty chill. We went and got good food afterward. Oh yah and we found out one of us makes good fakes too ; – )

This wouldn’t be too remarkable – just run-of-the-mill pre-frosh douchebaggery – except that said poster happens to be one Antonio Villaraigosa Jr., the son of the mayor of Los Angeles.

We know, Antonio. It’s crazy tough drinking “several Coronas” on the beach because the fucking po-lice always get in your goddamn grill but it’s cool because sometimes they’re pretty chill, especially WHEN YOUR FATHER IS THE MAYOR. Also, it’s pretty chill when your dad lets you into the DMV late at night to make your own fakes.

Welcome to Princeton, kid. A word of advice: do a little more partying, and a little less facebook messaging. Also: in college, no one drinks Bailey’s Irish Cream.

–JACOB SAVAGE