The Not-So-Far-Fetched Fictitious Alumni and Attendees of the Ivy League, Part II of II

Previously: The Not-So-Far-Fetched Fictitious Alumni and Attendees of the Ivy League, Part I of II

HARVARD

Harvard University’s Thurston Howell III (Gilligan’s Island), besides having the whitest name in history, is, of course, an allegory representing his brethren from Cambridge.  Trapped on an island, he’s just like every other Harvard alumnus: alone.  Harvardian isolation comes from many sources—an abnormal inflation of self, a woeful lack of social skills, or having gone so batshit crazy in Lamebridge that you lock yourself in a cabin in the woods and mail people bombs. However, Howell sticks out in his solitude by literally being isolated on an island—albeit with some commoners. (Of course, he retains the famed Harvard “work ethic” by refusing to perform physical labor.) Preferring Bearitas to Veritas, he further shows a social disconnect by sleeping with his Teddy more than his wife.

PRINCETON

Students at Princeton University have a particular and peculiar translation for their motto, Dei sub numine viget: God went to Princeton. Uhh, what?  Either Princeton’s Classics department is failing, or the school has one heck of an ego problem.  Anyways, here’s a guy (God) who claims to be all for justice, but likes to kill little boys (Exodus 11:5), is super possessive of a tree (Genesis 2:17, not unlike that other Princetonian from Harold & Kumar), and just generally doesn’t want us to have a good time.

Speaking of people with multiple personas, another Princephonian is Bruce Wayne.  A Classics major, Wayne (hopefully) knows that Princeton’s motto actually means Under God’s power she flourishes. Otherwise? Leave it to a Princeton guy to lack any superpowers, but still have the audacity to fight crime in tight clothes—and leave it to a Classics major to revive pederasty. Gotham’s defending knight?  Or weird pedophile? Probably a little of both; either way, the new film is gonna be way better than The Avengers, in addition to actually staring an Ivy League superhero. (Like, c’mon, Tony Stark went to MIT…sooo not Ivy League.)  Read the rest of this entry »

Penn’s Closed AEPi Chapter Will Rise Off-Campus as APES

After choosing to disband following a particularly nasty scavenger hunt (oxymoron?), a tipster tells us Penn’s AEPi chapter will rise again, as APES. For those of you not in the know, APES is the common national off-campus version of closed AEPi chapters, seen here at Emory and George Washington. They’re not typically recognized by a university or the national fraternity organization. Basically, they’re the Sarah Palin of Greek life.

So why would this brotherhood dismantle itself and vacate their fraternity house by choice? Because it’s badass. As our tipster tells us:

Their fling tanks said “Rise of the Apes,” clearly acknowledging, and proud of, the fact that they were soon joining the “esteemed” ranks of off campus fraternities.

Off-campus “pseudo-Greek” iterations of former fraternities are common at Penn — Theos (The Old Sammy), OZ (Old ZBT), the Owl Society (Psi U’s logo) — and usually command a certain degree of “cool,” something our tipster tells us the former AEPi brothers hope to capitalize on. As a Daily Pennsylvanian columnist wrote the last time an off-campus society was established, Those unofficial societies always throw the rowdiest parties anyway.” And who needs a national fraternity brotherhood when you have that?

REPORT: Ivy Leaguers Tell IvyGate What Admissions Numbers Actually Mean

The numbers that are the dick-measuring contest known as Ivy League admissions are finally in, and IvyGate could think of no better way (we didn’t try that hard) to gauge the different school’s reactions by taking to the streets to interview students and determine their (hilarious) reactions to the statistics.

Brown University rolls in (alternatively, “wraps up”) with an admission percentage of 9.6%, a .6% increase from last year! When asked about this rise, I was met with stony eyes and this response: “Brown recently discovered that admitting more students meant more money from tuition. The following year admissions rose higher than for any other Ivy League institution. Where do you think we got the money for our new pool?”

Columbia coasted into a .5% increase from 6.9% last year, on which a student commented,

I’ve never looked at Columbia’s admissions the way others look at it. Others look to decrease the number to appear better. Columbia has always let in more than they can, because we’re not looking to falsify our admissions statistics, though they will automatically be low, as it is an Ivy League school.

Yeah…you can only expect so much from a school in baby blue.  Read the rest of this entry »

Stay Classy, Penn

Today, plagiarist and scandal artist Jake Shuster ’13 lost to Penn sophomore Dan Bernick for UA President—by fourteen votes! Wowza! “Unprecedented”! It was kind of (?) an upset, so obviously the UA’s outgoing e-board immediately descended into catty name-calling. At right: a tipster’s screenshot of the UA’s now-former Speaker repeating a “friend’s” SUPER-hilarious Santorum quip, courtesy of Gchat.

In other news, outgoing UA President Tyler Ernst aborted his bizarre mission to rewrite the alcohol policy he was caught violating. Which of course has nothing to do with his friend losing to someone he accused of lying.

Penn’s UA Board Wants to Rewrite the Booze Policy They Were Caught Violating, So It’s All Good

According to Penn’s outgoing UA President, Tyler Ernst ’12, no new business should be discussed during a President’s last UA meeting. Except when that President’s name is Tyler Ernst.

The DP reported on Monday that Ernst plans to suspend the usual voting procedure this Sunday to vote on changes to Penn’s alcohol policy. His reasoning? There’s a new board coming in, and “it is only natural to vote on a resolution while the current body is still intact.” Which is kind of weird, if you consider the current body’s terrible history of disobeying its own rules.

Last November, the UA got busted violating Penn’s alcohol policy—the very policy it was (and is) attempting to amend—after a guest columnist in The DP (who, granted, had recently lost an election and may have had not the noblest of intentions) detailed a UA hazing ritual for freshman members involving alcohol and, supposedly, blindfolds (see right). What’s more, the columnist specifically named and quoted Ernst, UA Vice President Faye Cheng ’12 and UA Treasurer Jake Shuster ’13 (yes—that one!) as participants in the event.

So the very people charged with updating Penn’s alcohol policy were also charged with breaking it. And now they’re going to change that policy by breaking a different one. Read the rest of this entry »

In Email, Penn’s Student Council President Accuses Candidate of Lying, Sabotaging Friend’s Campaign

Here’s a rule of thumb: if you’re the head of Penn’s Undergraduate Assembly, and a media outlet inquires about your colleague and friend plagiarizing your campaign materials, do not respond by implying that your friend’s opponent is arranging a smear campaign, and certainly do not accuse your friend’s opponent of lying. Simple, easy, obvious. And yet here we are.

Last week, we received a tip that Jake Shuster ’13 had copied whole passages from the campaign materials of the UA’s sitting President and VP (and his good friends)Tyler Ernst ’12 and Faye Cheng ‘12, both of whom we queried for comment in the course of writing the story. As we reported then, Ernst refused to provide a copy of his campaign platform, citing his and Cheng’s wish not to introduce any bias into the election (for which voting begins tomorrow).

In the same email, however, Ernst—who occupies the highest seat of Penn’s student government—accuses front-runner* candidate Dan Bernick ’14 of lying to Ernst and Cheng about some kind of shadowy plan to expose Shuster’s plagiarism. Yes, on the record! In a soliloquy otherwise concerned with preserving the integrity of the electoral process! All based upon zero evidence, of course.

*(Update: according to this poll.)

Read the whole email exchange, plus responses from Ernst and Bernick, after the jump: Read the rest of this entry »

Shuster: “My platform is constantly evolving”

Our man of the moment writes back:

Hi JK,

As I meet with groups my platform is constantly evolving. It was evolving before you contacting me, and will continue to do so during the election period.

If you have any other questions, feel free to reach out again.

Best,

Jake

No. No.

And what does “constantly evolving” even mean? This is not gay marriage! It’s student government!

Anyway, we wrote back to ask him (again) whether he copied his platform from the UA’s outgoing President and VP. We’ll update if/when we hear back.

Did Penn’s Student Body President and VP Allow A Fellow Board Member—and Close Friend—to Plagiarize Their Campaign?

The last time we wrote about Penn’s Jake Shuster ’14 ’14 ’13, the student politician and self-described “money booster” was writing doofy, self-aggrandizing emails and losing elections by double-digit margins. Now the Penn Undergraduate Assembly’s current Treasurer, Shuster is gunning for the presidential seat. And it appears he’s getting a little help from above.

Earlier today, a tipster pointed us to several textual similarities—in some cases, outright thefts—between Shuster’s campaign website and the website, Facebook page, and newspaper columns of UA’s outgoing President and VP, Tyler Ernst ’13 ’12 and Faye Cheng ’13 ’12.

Shuster, in other words, appears to be campaigning for student president with material plagiarized from the outgoing president’s campaign. He seems to know it, too: soon after IvyGate contacted him for comment, Shuster scrambled to revise and delete passages from his website. Then he wrote us back to say everything on it was his own.

That was stupid—and pretty suspicious. Let’s investigate!

Read the rest of this entry »

The Evolution of a Campaign Platform

Read more here. Read the rest of this entry »

Ranking the Haze: These are the Haziest Members of the Ivy League

Last week we ranked the laziest of the Ivy League: those schools at which hazing is non-existent (or, possibly, so underground as to avoid detection). Yes, you may have been wondering, but who are the haziest Ivy Leaguers? So here they are, beginning with the laziest of the haziest: Princeton.

One thing to remember about these rankings—and, to a degree, about all of the Ivy League—is that hazing (both the phenomena and the perpetual scandal) is more or less the outcome of combining two very different populations: the world’s future overlords and the anxious, striving individuals who will form tomorrow’s press corps.

It makes a ton of sense, anyway, why the Ivy League is almost always awash in one hazing scandal or another. What else would you expect? The Ivy League attracts students who willfully submit themselves to the judgment of schools which constantly market, and profit from, their exclusive reputation. They bring together people who, for whatever reason, need to constantly distinguish themselves in as many ways as possible, no matter how illogical or arbitrary or pointless those ways are. Add to that a well-funded press corps with a taste for scandal, and voilà! Hazing controversy!

To get rid of hazing in the Ivy League, you’d have to stop admitting the very people who applied to any of its schools. You’d have to start admitting people who don’t care about reputation, or status, or prestige; about feeling (and, yes, being) better than others. But then the Ivy League wouldn’t be the Ivy League, would it?

Anyway! Here are the haziest members of the Ivy League: Read the rest of this entry »