“Turn or burn,” you sodomizing, Obama-worshipping, drug-addled Yale students!

So warns Jesse Morrell, the 25-year old mini-preacher who has descended on the fair streets of New Haven, spitting fire and brimstone, and railing against good old-fashioned Ivy League debauchery. For the past few days, Yale—famed for its freshman-girl objectification skillz, abortion art projects, naked parties, and special fondness for gay sex—has played a sassy host to the madman, decked out in a sandwich board and asking passersby to friend him on Facebook.

Asked if he has a day job, Morrell responds:

Jesus sends me money through PayPal.

Regarding his sexuality:

I love a man whose blood isn’t HIV-positive: Jesus!

Regarding Yale’s classy young ladies:

Why would you open a brothel in New Haven when the sorority girls are giving it away for free?!

Can you believe this guy’s a virgin?? Also, FYI, he claims to have forgone masturbation since his rebirth into Christianity. That explains a lot. Video, pics and homoeroticism after the jump.

Editor’s Note: This post was originally published under the wrong name. The snarky prose is actually that of Alex Klein, a new contributor, not Adam Clark Estes, a handsome fellow.

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Before the sound of the TV news ‘copters faded after the shooting at Harvard today, another student got almost stabbed outside of the Crimson building. The victim of the shooting was not a Harvard student, it turns out, but the knifepoint mugging victim definitely was. Already a day full of violence and irony, the story broke not on the Crimson’s website but on the Quincy Open list:

yeah I was there I missed it by about 3 minutes on my walk back up plympton. i asked a cop. it was a mugging at knife point. they think they got the guy (yes he is arrested leaning against the wall on the street sitting on the ground) but I believe they don’t have his knife so they’re searching up and down the streets for it. there were cops all over the place. I counted between 7 and 10 cops on foot alone, not counting the 2 police vans, and 4 or 5 police cruisers.

Now, we can really abuse the word “irony.” Ok, kids who are scared of walking around in the dark even through the well-lit, well-trafficked Harvard Square. You’re validated. Alright, Harvard. Maybe the MBTA Police Academy is not the best place to recruit men to protect the future leaders of the world.

If Harvard kids keep getting taken down at this rate, we’ll have to educate our next president at Dartmouth, where the crime is more hilarious than horrifying. Because everyone knows New Haven is in a state of perpetual gang warfare.

After the jump, read the full Quincy Open thread and the Kirkland House letter sent out by the house masters just a few minutes after the shooting earlier.

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An “Ivy Montrealer” recently informed us of a juicy bit of hypocrisy: Canadian and McGill graduate Padraic Scanlan, whom we covered last November for penning a damning critique of Yale and other privileged American universities in the McGill Daily, is now going for his PhD in history at Princeton. To refresh everyone’s memory, here are a few excerpts from Scanlan’s column:

New Haven reminded me vividly of Detroit – class and race are lashed together in a widening spiral of systemic oppression in both cities. Both cities are scarred with bombed-out buildings and condemned lots. In both cities, black and Hispanic Americans are crushed by the combined weight of a decimated economy, mounting personal debt, and pervasive, systemic racism. The only difference between Detroit and New Haven is that in New Haven, Yale sits, gleaming and gated.

Likening New Haven to Detroit is legit, and surely Yale is “gleaming” compared to the city that abuts it, but saying New Haven is filled with “pervasive, systemic racism” seems, well, a bit hyperbolic. Scanlan continues:

You have to visit to really appreciate how obscene the divide is between the rich and the poor in New Haven, Connecticut. Yale is vastly wealthy – I can see now (having never actually visited an Ivy League school before) why McGill’s administration slavers after the prestige and wealth of that select clique of New England universities. It is enormous, full of granite and sandstone, gleaming new electronics, and huge College Gothic piles.

One final quote by Scanlan and some commentary after the jump.

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New information on David Light, champion of the second amendment, has been released and places much of what has been written and said in context. Sure, there was the misunderstanding with the shots into the ceiling and not-so-subtle death threats, but Newsday reports that the kid’s really an environmentalist at heart:

The affidavit cites e-mails to friends in which Light allegedly describes throwing pounds of chemicals into New Haven Harbor and the ocean to create explosions.

Eureka! The Harbor area is poised to spontaneously combust at any moment anyways, and Light’s just helping it along, similar to controlled burns for forest fires. But as the charges leveled against the suspended Eli go from amateur gun collector/ceiling artist to bomb developer/raging pyromaniac, we find the kid not so much malicious as just unable to get past that Freudian fascination 13-year-old boys have with explosions:

In an e-mail to a friend in February, Light wrote that he had just received a shipment of a highly explosive chemical.
“I’m very very excited!,” he wrote, according to the affidavit. “So… how soon do you want to do something dangerous??? cause it would be very easy to convince me to go out tonight.”
In another e-mail in February to a Yale student, Light began by writing “Yea, haven’t shot anyone lately,” the affidavit states.

But it’s not just the man trying to dim the Light: Momma is, too. Newsday quotes an e-mail Light sent to a friend: “my mom saw them and was like ‘are those tank shells for the new gun that we’re getting for you?! Can we reverse the order?!’ It was pretty funny… they are very large bullets…”. Haha, silly mom! Tank shells? That’s crazy talk woman! At least until little Davey gets a tank to shoot them from. Meanwhile, the defense is trying to play it off as shenanigans :

“Unfortunately because of the timing and the environment, this is going to be projected on a larger stage than it really merits,” Dow said. “We’re talking about a college student who allegedly made significant errors of judgment.”

Boys will be boys, Your Honor, boys will be boys. Go read the article. It’s worth it.

–MICHAEL MORISY 

A reader alerts us to a shocking piece in last week’s Yale Daily News, headlined “Elm City Attracts Yuppies”:

To the average Yale student, New Haven may be just another small college town. But to some Connecticut residents, New Haven’s downtown has established itself as a “hip spot” that increasingly draws the state’s young people with fine dining and unique boutiques.

This revitalized downtown has caught the attention of young professionals who want to live in a city with an affordable but high quality of life, according to some city officials. But as more professionals have moved into the city, many original residents have been priced out of living in New Haven. 

Wha? We haven’t been to New Haven in nine months, but we were under the impression it was still basically the city from “Gears of War.” This is, after all, the city that kicked off Back to School week with a West Nile Virus pandemic, and whose most venereable institutions (no typo) include Toad’s. New Haven’s crapitude is one of our geographic tenets, like Hanover’s polar isolation, or how people in West Philadelphia have mustaches. Why — if the Elm City is somehow on the upswing, we’ll have to reevaluate everything.

Better click on over to the New Haven Register for some more familiar headlines. Let’s see: manslaughter, no … 50-year murder sentence, getting warmer … OK, yep, Boy, 7, May Have Distributed Crack Cocaine to Classmates, that should do it.