Providence Police Try To Yank Brown’s Point-Blank Wanker

Brown students are all about sexual freedom, but sometimes it goes too far. Like when it’s happening outside their windows.

A “jerking Tom” has been capering around, wanking in yards among houses around Brown’s campus — prompting outrage, concern, and a few laughs. More than a few laughs. A lot of laughs. Heartwarmingly, there has also been sympathy. One junior who spoke to the Brown Daily Herald said she at first felt sorry that “he has no outlet for this sort of desire” — though it wasn’t too late before that sentiment turned to anger.

Indeed most people seem to be taking it a bit hard, which is a reasonable reaction. We at IvyGate are loathe to take things too seriously, but this is right at the line between harmless and actually serious. And the fact that he has gotten “within a foot and a half” of peoples’ windows is pretty unsettling.

Reason for relief: The ProPo are on the case, and searching for leads. At the same time, however, they face a fearsome foe of a fapper. Lt. John Ryan told the Daily Herald that the man “has been arrested about 22 times, which could be the reason he is now so good at evading capture.” If there’s anything scarier than a naked man running around masturbating, it’s a naked man running around masturbating well.

SEX WEEK AT YALE – YDN Charts Yale’s Sexual Landscape; Extreme Horniness Afoot

Kicking off Sex Week with a bang, the Yale Daily News just released the results of their campus-wide sex survey, and the results are titillating. Yalies have a lot of sex, in a lot of ways, with a lot of people.

According to the poll, 31.2 percent of students have performed or received oral sex within the last week, and 28.5 percent of students have had intercourse within the last week.

Also, just over 5% say they’ve engaged in a ménage à trois. This from a school with a Fetish Fashion show??? After polling 1,770 undergraduates, the copy-hounds at the News have worked up a feature on the results, featuring some sexy, sexy quotes. They range from the hilariously innocuous:

As explained by Sarah Matthes ’13, a large portion of this pattern can potentially be attributed to what is commonly referred to as “DFMO,” short for dance-floor makeout.

To the painfully smug:

“From a single guy’s point of view, I find few things more fun than going out at night and seeing what I can come home with,” Wyper said. “It’s fun. It’s exciting. I’m not looking to fill my empty heart. Wednesday through Saturday you have a pretty decent shot at hooking up with somebody.”

And finally, the frustratedly romantic:

“I think that very few people are actually legitimately happy with the way things are. I sincerely think that,” Ann Chou ’10 said. “I don’t think very many people are satisfied.”

We’ll leave you all to judge for yourself (that is, if you’re not busy with biweekly oral sex) after the jump, with the comprehensive results of the sex survey, featuring detailed statistics on Yalie masturbation, intercourse, three-ways, manual stimulation, relationships, make out seshes, and sluttiness. Consider this foreplay: IvyGate’s Sex Week coverage (from Dr. Suzy to Sasha Grey) will erotically continue in the coming days. Feast your eyes:

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