BREAKING: Brown Kidnappers Issue List of Demands

by Nick Summers | October 23, 2006 at 11:45 pm

BREAKING: Brown Kidnappers Issue List of Demands
BREAKING NEWS ALERT: At 11:25 p.m. IvyGate received a communique from a person or persons claiming to be Josiah Stinkney Carberry, the reknowned Brown professor of psychoceramics, and evidently the mastermind behind the kidnapping of the Penn Quaker. As proof of life, Prof. Carberry submits the above photo (click to enlarge) of the Quaker with a recent edition of the Brown Daily Herald, followed by a list of demands. The dispatch, in full:

Drum Major [Brian] Phillips ['07],

To indicate that you are willing to negotiate for the life of your beloved
Quaker, the Penn Band must play the Brown fight song during the fourth
quarter of the Penn vs. Brown football game this Saturday. And Cheeseman
must wear brown socks. We will have a representative present to observe.

Should you choose to ignore this request, the Quaker will suffer.

Brown Division of Hostage Negotiations

We don't know what the Penn marching band policy is re: negotiating with terrorists. But Phillips, my God, man, look what they're capable of. We urge you to comply, or better yet, retaliate:

UPDATE: This is too funny not to include. From a Deadspin commenter: "It puts the lotion on its foam..."

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