I have yet to encounter an Ivy Leaguer who is majoring in sex, and yet it goes without saying that our high-minded intellectual pursuits typically fall to wayside when a pursuit of another kind fills our $50,000-per-semester brains. According to the Kinsey Institute, 54% of men have sex on the brain everyday or several times a day, along with 19% of women. And among undergrads, 98% of men masturbate, as do 44% of women. The numbers don’t lie (though some of the women in this study obviously do).

But fear not, lusty co-eds, all your desires for stimulating sexual studies can be satisfied just the way you always wanted them—in a lecture. Today, four of the Ivy League’s most infamous sex columnists will gather at Cornell to “Bare All” in a panel so named. But despite the event’s title, I expect that like many descriptions of sexual happenings at Ivy campuses, it cannot be taken at face value—and that the panelists will indeed be wearing clothes.

In this, as in any lecture within an Ivy’s hallowed halls, you’ll want to know you’re being taught by the experts. Cornell’s columnists apparently lack last names, though seeing as they will be seen at this panel their identities will be revealed soon enough. We can still scrutinize their credentials, though. While these panelists might not have Ph.D.s, here’s Cornell columnist Jeff K.’s resume:

I have been blessed with the opportunity to sleep with girls. Many, many girls. I’m not going to give you my laundry list or show you my bedpost (which is notched like a saw), but it’s probably more than you think for a skinny Jewish kid from Long Island.”

Congratulations to you, Jeff. Also representing Cornell, past columnist and lover “of sluttin’” Jenna B. will be coming to you with her famously differently sized breasts (“No, seriously — my left neener is a C cup and my right is an A cup,” she reports). And to all you hopefuls out there, Jenna says:

“Suddenly I opened my eyes one day and realized it: I’m in a serious relationship. … with peen.”

Next on this list of people who didn’t win a Truman Scholarship this year is Claire Gordon of Yale. She appears to enjoy discussing penises if not the penises themselves: “The cult of the penis is a construct, a lie, a dangerous and destructive myth.” Perhaps Gordon should have gone to Barnard, where the edifice of the Cult of Our Lady Parts is now open for business (so to speak).

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Lena Chen, the Marianne of IvyGate’s early days, is back — or, really, she never went away. While she may have cut short the youthful antics that made Sex and the Ivy such a fun read, she’s been trucking away on a thesis — apparently about virginity — for which she’ll take requests. If you send Lena your favorite word, she’ll do her very best to squeeze it into the culmination of her academic career: so far, she’s found places for “hodge-podge,” “willy-nilly,” “lollygag,” and “hullaballoo,” though, shockingly, “sexual napalm” has been elided.

Also, we admire Lena’s ability to build on her past infamy and become an interesting — dare we say delightful? — internet presence. How many internet memes are willing to build on their fame in order to show the world their actual achievements, rather than reveling in bad behavior or disappearing altogether? Bravo, Lena! (But if you make any poor decisions, we’re coming for you.)

You can label Lena Chen according to sex toy references all day long, but now she’s going for something new: Donna Reed. The Ivy League’s semi-retired sex blogger and current domestic goddess wannabe recently wrote about her new foray into the culinary arts in a “postcard from abroad” for the Harvard Crimson. Forgoing her typical narcissism for an apron-clad version, she writes:

I started cooking last year after I moved off-campus to live with my boyfriend, who has an actual kitchen and uses it to make exactly three varieties of salad. When I decided that it was time for us to incorporate heat into our kitchen regimen, my mother saw it as a long-awaited opportunity to instruct me in Chinese cooking.

In retribution for the New York Times calling her a “small Asian woman who ate every crumb of everything,” Lena goes on to elaborate about acquiring the Chinese ingredients for her feast in a town of “exactly three Asian people.” (She’s evidently the go-to Geisha Girl even without the sex blog.) Turns out Germany isn’t the best place to find bamboo shoots.

This all comes in  the midst of Elle’s venture for self-improvement, which includes the regular shameless flaunting and calling everyone else fat.

But wait! Apparently, that orgasm isn’t the only thing she’s faked. Before the end, Chen admits to her guests that she found the recipe from a BBC cookbook, not dearest mommy. A-plus for effort on her final mother-daughter Lifetime-special moment:

I suppose my two-course Chinese feast turned out not to be much of a feast, or particularly Chinese, for that matter. But I think my mother would have nonetheless been proud.

Thanks for warming the cold, empty space where our hearts should be. Now bring us some steak, woman!

Q: U Penn has a vet school? A: Not for long.

The School of Veterinary Medicine was founded when “West Philadelphia was still the countryside.” You know, before Will Smith got there and ruined everything. The Pennsylvania government just cut $10 million of the vet school’s funding from the state due to that whole recession thing.  Amounting to about 8.5 percent of the total budget, it’s the second cut in six months. All these cuts come despite the fact the Government Accountability Office has noted a decline in the number of vets trained in caring for “food animals,” and the rise in animal-to-human disease transmission. Now they’ll never find the cure for Lena Chen’s “swine flu.”

This is such bad news that the staff of The Daily Pennsylvanian wrote an editorial demanding the state save the vet school. The staff blames Pennsylvania Governor and UPenn Trustee Ed “The Thing” Rendell for the cuts, accusing him of the mortal sins of favoring state schools and hating cows. An erstwhile Hillary Clinton supporter, this is the first time the latter argument has been made about Rendell.

While the Pennsylvanian staff is writing editorials, the vet students are writing letters to the state capital. It is likely the University’s “government affairs office” will make more headway.

It’s been a long time since we last checked in on IvyGate’s best frenemy. Let’s see what she’s up to.

SERIOUSLY?! I can’t believe I actually have the swine flu.

That’s odd, I didn’t know swine flu was also tertiary syphilis. Any other afflictions?

I have stigmata, and it itches.

This doesn’t have anything to do with the whole S&M thing, does it? Don’t answer that. So, I heard you took a trip to D.C. recently. What did you think of my hometown?

The metro is clean, open late on the weekends, and extensive. Like particularly pleasant twats.

Yes, I believe that is how Frommer’s described the Metro back in the guide’s wild years. Well, we’re almost out of time here. Care to share any of your views on dating that will not be shocking to anyone anymore?

I simply don’t believe that the logic behind banning first-date sex is … well, logical.

Word. See you in six months.

Watch out, Lena Chen: there’s another sex blogger on the Internetz AND he’s not currently in committed, monogamous relationship!

The gay blogger, who goes by “Boy Toy” is placed by some sources as a junior at Harvard. The Chicago locale is just a front to throw you off the scent. Actually, not that hard when 42% of Harvard students have had 0 sexual partners in the past year. (That number drops to 33.7% nationally.)  Although who knows, it could be an aging, diapered Floridian with an overactive imagination.

Boy Toy is keeping mum on the specifics of his identity, although he insinuates he’s a Harvard affiliate. If we hear another creepy nudge-nudge statement, we might petition for an honorary associates degree from the Extension School:

Although I’m not going to pretend like these stories are not somewhat ‘tickled and fluffed’ into a more coherent narrative, every guy has a very real-life equivalent… Perhaps you recognize some of them?

This 2(x)ist wearing commitment-phobe loves to have international sexcapades in in highly narrative detail. One Army hookup’s lips “taste like syrup.” Aunt Jemima, we hardly knew ye.

After the jump, Harvard Boy Toy takes you to second base… and… that’s about it.

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Six months ago, Sex and the Ivy‘s Lena Chen and significant other Patrick Hamm (H’GS, Y’04) were embroiled in a scintillating S&M scandal. Now they’re just another monogamous yuppie couple photoshopping pictures of their dog into Christmas cards.

Kind of sweet, isn’t it? Soon they’ll be living in a big beige house in the suburbs with a parcel of precociously intelligent children who attend Waldorf schools and spend weekends figure skating in the ice rinks of Hell. Seriously, whodathunk Lena Chen would settle down before graduation? Note that the above slutty Santa ensemble is not the same one Lena wore last year.

from: Maureen
to: Lena Chen
subject: Re: Happy Holidays!

How many slutty Santa outfit do you own??

from: Lena Chen
to: Maureen
subject: Re: Re: Happy Holidays!

Three!!!

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From the New York Times Sunday Magazine article about Ivy League abstienence societies:

Chen’s perspective on society, and Fredell’s, was borne out in the aftermath, as people wrote in to Ivygate, calling Lena Chen a “slut,” a “whore,” a “total whore,” a “whore whore slut.” And then someone by the screen name of Sex v. Marriage wrote in to say that “most guys out there would rather end up with a girl like Janie.”

My favorite? “Whore whore slut.“ We love you guys. Even if you are real bastards sometimes.

More BREAKING NEWS on the New York Times‘ far too generous approach to True Love Revolution to come.

IvyGate’s feelings toward Lena “I lowered my mouth over his cock and slid my lips over his shaft easily” Chen have been well-documented. Which is to say, she’s our best enemy, or maybe our worst frenemy, it’s hard to keep track. But there is one feeling we have toward Lena that is unequivocal: we don’t want to see her naked. But yesterday, we did. We also saw her getting railed by a guy with gnarly pubes and pasty thighs.

A “tipster” calling himself FUCKLENA posted thrice at 7:43PM on December 21:

SEX AND THE IVY’S LENA CHEN SEX GALLERY!!!!!!!
[url redacted]

The 12-photo gallery featured four of Ms. Chen in the buff, one of which was taken from the angle of a blond-pubed man penetrating the “Bleeding Heart Nympho” vaginally. Another featured a pouting Chen pulling at the edge of her panties to reveal a tattoo we at first identified as a “flying penguin unfurling its penguin wings” (thanks, Hal), but upon further inspection recognized as a Claddagh ring, a traditional Irish wedding ring now popularized as a “promise ring” for the young and chaste.

We may be childish rumor-mongers here at IvyGate, but pornographers we are not. I instantly instant messaged Lena to get the scoop, and she reported that the blond pubes in question belong to “Sam,” a 35-year-old Penn grad student who is clearly more than a little messed up if he spends his free time trying to ruin a young co-ed’s reputation. Lena tells us she has been trying to ditch Sam for the last nine months (despite a November blog entry about him entitled “The Man I Could’ve Loved“) and is not at all surprised by the emergence of these pics. “This is actually a good thing,” she explains, “because now I can get a restraining order or something. … On the bright side, I think this qualifies as an excuse for me to get an extension on my term paper.”

After the jump, Lena’s surprisingly calm chat on the Ivy League lovers’ spat, and two carefully chosen and non-pornographic pics from the gallery.

UPDATE: IvyGate will return to a normal posting schedule on Jan 14. Enjoy the holidays/exams.

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Yesterday, Harvard’s Lena “I lowered my mouth over his cock and slid my lips over his shaft easily” Chen (our Favorite Person Ever) debated the merits of pre-marital sex with Janie Fredell, the co-president of True Love Revolution (which, believe it or not, is not a 60′s band you’ve never heard of, but a campus abstinence group). We sent correspondent Alterrell Mills to get the scoop.

The highly-anticipated “debate” between Lena “I lowered my mouth over his cock and slid my lips over his shaft easily” Chen and the co-President of the True Love Revolution, Janie Fredell, was truly not worth the wait. Before the event, I met with an overeager Janie who emphasized that it was “a discussion, not a debate about sex and dating.” And here I was, thinking we had a regular Lincoln and Douglass on our hands! Discussion, indeed.

Janie arrived early, while Lena came right on time. Both ladies held true to form in terms of appearance; Lena wore a mini-skirt that left little to the imagination, while Janie was more modestly dressed in jeans.

The ladies started off by defining their sexuality. Janie stated that she was abstinent, and that the kind of guy she was interested in was “chivalrous, strong yet gentle” and ultimately worth the wait. Janie wants a man who respects her ambitions, and values more than just sex in their relationship. She also added that she could get sexual gratification from “a battery-operated plastic object.” Lena replied, “I derive great joy from battery-operated objects.”

Ewww.

After the jump: let’s talk about sex, baby.

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